It’s been a weird couple of days. Yesterday was the happiest day ever. And then today was the angst-iest day ever. All during this I have felt jealous, unprepared, paranoid, and over-bearing. And so, so unsure.
It’s really been going on for a while.
I just really don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not going to be up for long. I’ll make a list, because it’s late.
1. My neck has been hurting all the time again.
2. I’m not getting enough sleep.
3. I’m online too often, and not in a good way.
4. I’ve become clingy and codependent.
5. I am worried about what people think even though I have never met them before.
6. There are all these coincidences in my life that are not really coincidences.
I’m also really freaked out, because I’m coming more into myself. This isn’t a problem at home. We’ve known this was in process for a long time. But as usual, it’s kind of a problem out there. When I come out and say it like that, it gets the predictible responses – about how I should just be exactly who I am. But what if the person that I am is a person that makes people uncomfortable? And what if I make people uncomfortable in a way that they can’t really even define? What if my lyrics become more and more transparent? Less and less neatly metaphorical? What if I use you, for instance (whoever “you” are), as an example – or just mention you because it’s not even really a metaphor anymore ..?
It’s far easier to be uncomfortable because you’re being actively pushed – because you know really well that you disagree with something/someone. It’s the light disapproval that I hate. It smacks of the old things that we have left behind – all for good reasons. I hate the expectation that I would act in a certain way because I am of a certain station. And I feel it all the time, even though I make my own path and you’d think I’d have left those things behind. I actively chose and picked my life. Down to the molecule. We do as we like, as we see is fitting. We are careful of these things.
I don’t know. One thing I do know, once again, is how TIRED I’m getting every single night!