Obviously, I haven’t wanted to write.
I’ve had tag shame, and I’ve had clutter shame. I wrote about this more intimately in my lj (I won’t link it, it’s in one of the blogrolls!). I haven’t been able to work.
I have been having practice trouble here. I like to strut around pretending that I’m okay and that the places in my life are all compartmentalized and that I’ve really got it together with the structure that is me. But I don’t. It’s like a messy little city block with the wrong materials going up into the wrong buildings. And this is a baaaad metaphor. It’s like I’m doing a cigar review … here. And cussing too much. Which I shouldn’t really do anymore, here. Not much. Not without warning you.
I’d like to tell more people about what I’m doing here. I haven’t told anyone officially what I’m doing here. I haven’t told the people at work – about my cigar blog … haven’t really pressed anyone to read what I’m writing. I don’t self promote. I say I’m not ready.
This is all just “rehearsal.” I’m trying it out.
I’ve been working on the Ab major Polonaise, even though I know damn well that I’m not a concert pianist. I had this weird hallucination that the notes were melting off the page. This meant something – but for our purposes here it means that I’m not getting my work done. And I have many, many things to do.
I’d just like to say that this morning I got out of bed, went downstairs, and made up a complicated piano part to a new song. I haven’t been allowing myself to songwrite because I’ve been bogged down by the limitations of “I have to do the already existing CD.”
I have to finish the recordings of what I already have before I am allowed to make new music.
And I don’t write anything new to people, because my organizational systems are a mess. I might “tag” wrong or disorganized (meaning people will make fun of what I think of as my “inside-the-denise-brain [SEE ‘RANDOM SNIPPETY FOOTNOTES PAGE’]’ tagging.
But it’s hard to work, without getting into a work frenzy. I guess I’m just going to have to learn to balance things – without going overboard. It’ll be interesting.