A Factual Picture of the here-sitch-now-itch.

1. lists have become popular and i am constantly comparing myself to other people. I read that such behavior is not what happy people do in a recent article posted by some extremely useful Twitter friends of mine that I haven’t met yet but who are on Austin bumper stickers Famously everywhere and generously and positively #follow-Friday lots of people. This makes me realize that I am comparing myself to happy people. I Cannot Win.
2. Everything I do right now feels trite and boring.
3. I am the acne monster from the Hormonal Lagoon. I cannot be looked upon. I am hideous. I should write a cute song about myself and sing it in a Texas accent to the French people and perhaps I will make it big on French radio. Or does it work the other way around? I don’t think it does unless I sing in French.
4. I’ll get right on that. I’m sure I can just go learn some French in a jiffy. Perhaps one of my alert readers (nod to the immortal Dave Barry) can put this for me into a Cute Song:

“My god, I am covered in acne!
Disgusting hormonal abberation which I have become
You will not look at me
or talk to me
I should not be talking to you anyway
I am a vampire
You are a donut
I am a werewolf
You are a shark
I am a shopping cart
You are a tree
I am the ocean
You are a pair of broken spectacles
I don’t like to fish
You watch movies about angry bears.
I got a telegram the other day
It said you were angry. It was not from you. But I find
I do not care. I do not care. I do not care.”

5. I somehow just KNOW that this translates into something Meaningful and Profound. I will sing it whilst smoking, and wearing a beret and stripes. They will Not chase me out of the country after I have arrived in Paris, but will Get It, and bring me orange soda. I don’t know if that is a thing over there, but I am out of my Jarritos Mexican coke which is Tamarind flavored and I find that I either want something Strawberry flavored or orange or a Mountain Dew or something.

6. I would eat a three musketeers bar if one came and tapped me on the shoulder.

7. I’m so oily right now it’s not EVEN funny!

veryveryalone-stuff.

I am about to clean my house and cut a song. I will be doing both these things at the same time. It is like a cathartic thing. The song needs to be done by tomorrow. I am hoping to have things substantially nice around here by the time we go out of town. We’re going to a major cigar event and I’d like to have my other blog out of obscurity and up and running, as well as the twittering I never really do from my cigar-related place. That’s a part of my life I haven’t been able to relax into, and it feeds a social part of me that I’ve really been ignoring. The going to Ruta Maya/Habana House part and writing a review. I used to multi-task a lot better than this. I used to not be so bogged down in work that I couldn’t really follow through on and finish.

It’s all about lists, I think. And mine has gotten away from me too fast, and too big. I want to do everything, and in order to do that, you need a lot of help. I am not a big enough person to tackle all of that in the right order; to know how to do it. So I need to stick to my original plan, and remember why I do the things I do in the first place. Luckily I am a pack rat, and I remember exactly where I put the last bookmark. It’s like I imagine a sewing or knitting mistake to be. Unravelling something. I don’t really know, but it seems both tedious and rewarding at the same go. It’s conducive to getting me back into being happy alone and oblivious.

Any interest I got from people (small though it was) really shocked the hell out of me. It’s shocked me both online and locally with people who become my friends. I don’t do compliments well, although I crave them as I crave love and attention (even though I fear it and need my solitude). If I could shield myself from all people somehow (AND still get the exposure needed to grow a profitable music career that would sustain me and my family + allow me to practice and create + be desirable as a collaborator); if I could be veryAlone and not get lonely … if I could pick and choose my times and not alienate …

well, that would be selfish, wouldn’t it? Yes. Selfish. But I am a selfish creature. I love the humans but I do not play well with them and I like my cave and I sit in it and I want to be veryvery alone. But it’s LONELY there. So I am always Not Okay. Unless I am at the piano. Then I do not think of anything. Everything dissipates. And my attention is caught again if something is shined at me (usually a discussion of something I love. like a piano. or something related to this thing I love).

I think about this online endeavour and my goals for it. I never do anything without thought for how it fits into what I do musically. I’ve always been goal oriented, I used to be this way about writing, now it’s wrapped up into the both things. But online is awkward for me. I met my husband online, yes, so I’m not incredulous about it.

But it is so much easier to be whoever you want (or not) online. It’s made it easier for me to hide myself away. I can really focus on being the queen-bee of vague. I did it in Song Fu rather well. Song Fu is really a personal story of what I went through physically as a woman, dealing with songwriting challenges and personal feelings about coming out of one mental transition into another. Moving from one group of persons to another. Hopes and dreams and fears and feelings. I put it all on the line. And now it’s time for me to make another “album” of sorts where I start revealing other things. Or maybe mixing the things I reveal with a more streamlined, professional approach into the working process.

We’ll see how that goes. I already know that it sounds very … different in my head and I have already started bringing in characters who are not me to supplement my experiences in the songs. So if you start hearing far-fetched things in my music … now you will know – why.

And at this point, after the rain-stormy horrible-but-wonderful mistakes I made in this me-scented-charade…. why wouldn’t I?

Something new and Interesting

I have started publicizing these blog posts on Twitter. Sigh. This is my last ditch little effort to be cool. We’ll see how it goes. At some point I will finish writing music and maybe make some videos and stuff. I got a camera and some Worthy Ideas of Entertaining Meritoriousness.

Yeeah!

So that this post is not a complete waste of your time, I will put some goodies in here.

There’ll be something first for the Vegetarians, but if you’re not into this – when it starts smelling like Bacon … well you’d better flee! It’s all rather suggestive so if you don’t like it … bolt now