pink

If you look to the side of my blog (if you are on my blog and not reading this on some other sort of thing), you can see that I have Fetching Pink Hair. This makes me Happy.

I am having some snickky health problems that are making me Un-Happy. Ever since my concerning health problems of 2008, and then again the ones that I had over the last 2-3 years, I have assumed that every time I get a Weird Body Twinge – this time it is The Cancer. I am certain I will only dodge the bullet for so long and that soon my number will be up despite a fortune teller assuring me that I will be an old woman and also I am superstitious.

It has turned out to NOT be a huge problem it is a combination of Stress and Aging. I think that perhaps I am not really aging gracefully but am being dragged into my 40s kicking and screaming like a 6-year-old. This is not very seemly or dignified and I am going to try to do better and not holler and Carry On Cranky in the restaurant of life about not liking the Adult Menu of Destiny and that I would rather have the mac and cheese and Menu Crayons and also I don’t have to do what you say, Mr. Poopy Pants! So There, Underwear!

So when I get all wound up in this way I get all shrill and impossible to live with and I slurk around getting nothing done but worrying and obsession. This is unfortunate, because I just cowrote a cool song about a bounty hunter that is up at songfight by Billy and the Psychotics and you should go listen to the fight and vote for it and other good ones if you feel so inclined-plane. Even now, I am trying to review it today but I have gotten only halfway through them because when I write reviews of anything my documents are encyclopedias of aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa……

I have the relatively new iPhone (pictured) but have not turned on SIRI because I feel that she is creepy. Also, I have a sandwich that would like to be eaten. I know. It told me. Sandwiches are smart.

snakehands

1. it is fine to fall asleep upon your couch, if you are a snake.
2. when a snake purchases a couch, s/he must get delivery. Also they require assssssisssssstanccccce with their wallet.
3. Another song will come out today. Well, probably many will, but I mean another Psychotics song. For now, it’s going to be the only way that I participate in the contests unless the song faeries scream at me. It’s time for other things to happen; time to finish things from before that have been left undone. I feel okay about this, because I tend to feel odd if I’m not actively involved in a Thing making new material. Like I’m killing a practice routine.
3b. I came back in here because one of the things I’m doing is that I’ve changed two of my old contest songs I dislike and made them into one song that I like more. Right now, it plays well live. Soon, I’ll do a decent demo. It may go on part of The Project. Teaser: I’m calling it ‘If I Had One more Time To Panic.’
4. I’ve been stuck in troubling practice cycles before. Practicing is good, but I once gave myself tendinitis. I was never as good. When you hurt a part from working it too hard, those muscles and other moving parts don’t trust as much again.
Sometimes when I practice, I can hear my body thinking “yeah, right…” and I feel myself tense up.
5. I’d be a looser and less tense performer if I were a snake. But this would be irrelevant. Snakes don’t have hands.

Blogging at the Blogathon

1. So. I’m here at blogathonatx (blogathonatx.com). I can assure you, I did not literally Blog My Own Face Off. To provide you with too much information, as is my way – I have this weird Thing on my chin and I had to get my father, a Nice Physician, to meet me at his office and he tried to deal with it. So I was late.
2. Honestly, I don’t think providing this information to you is indicitave of Savvy Blogging. The truth is, I am not really a very savvy blogger. Nor do I have a clear cut mission in live. What I do have is a domain and a Vague Plan. At some point, I will get things together. This will happen some time over the rest of the month.
3. How is this different than the rest of the times I have said these Sorts of Things, you may ask? Well, this time, I have a little green feeling. A little green feeling is a little different from the other colors. It’s a center of the rainbow go. It’s proof of progress but an indicator that there’s a lot to do to make headway in the future. It’s light at the end of the tunnel but you can see the trees waving around outside a little more clearly in the sunlight.
4. Do you know what I am talking about? No, you probably don’t. We are at a party and you have excused yourself to get punch even though your glass is full. This is the type of blogathon that this is turning out to be for me. There’s a lot of stimuli in the room and it’s really tempting to write stream-of-consciousness like a confessional. This is something that I used to do WAAAY back in the Olden Days.
5. Now that I have taken you into the dark, nonsensical tunnel that is my thought-process; you are probably going “huh?” Truthfully, I can’t explain why I am a LOT more disorganized than I have been before. All I can say is that I’m irked that I am further away from the goals I wanted to be closer to; and I have found myself unable to give myself credit for a lot of the milestones I’ve hit. I think I need to do that. Being a Surly Individual is not going to help me find jumper cables for the spaceship – or stop writing extrodinarily bad metaphors … or learn to spell…or looking at people walking by my table with inviting expressions rather than with @suspiciousden in my eyes like they have tried to sell my spleen to circus performers.
6. So, at my dad’s clinic, my father asked me if there had been stink bugs. “Why?” I asked him. Because they hover around your face and put their P R O B I S C U I T S (not how the word is spelled) in it. these are called kissing bugs. There’s more information, like a doctor with a weird name and stuff. I’m going to dinner with him on Tuesday and we’re going to talk about bacteria and vile parasites of the face over a nice meal and then I will know terminology and stuff. I said “can I put you in my blog!?” thinking *people really need to know about this stuff!* and it’s true. I bet if you are reading this, you really want to know about what a lurking stinkbug can do to your face. So let my mistakes be a lesson to YOU.
7. Actually, we just moved. So yet again, I think it’s just hormones. I’m going to the Dude-You-Don’t-Wanna-Hear-About-It-Doctor on Tuesday as well, so I-May-Say-Something-General-And-Seemly about my Well Being, if you like.

This is the worst blog in a while, y’all. Fitting, as I’m having lunch at Blogathon. Flarg.

Two for the price of One Plus a Dollar…

These are the kitties of Randall, “Couch Kitty” and “Window Kitty” .. also known as Alex and Max.
These are the photos we took before they left. It’s been weird. I didn’t want to blog about them, because I don’t know how they are – but I haven’t been blogging a lot and yesterday I went out and read some of my writing to some people and there was mirth and fun and enjoyment and I realize how much I edit and hold back and am careful and it does me no good because bad things continue to happen anyway regardless of what I do. So I may as well just continue on as I am, writing as I like and trying my hardest to be the best that I can be. What can one do about such things? We are moving, and it’s a billiondy million degrees, and and I have been a worrier of Epic Porpoises since I was a podling. Everything will work out fine. I continue to stare suspiciously at the piano and wish things would pack up themselves and magically sort-out-in-all-easy-ways.
1. Pianoteq problem again while trying to save some old data. Well, my pianos have been saved. This is very important because they are like my babies and represent times and places in my development and they remind me of people and places and conversations and stuff I was going through. Sometimes I would just make a piano to FEEL better.

2. I am going to have a graham crackers shaped like tiny rabbits. Because I can.
3. I’m out at my Tuesday night writers group again. I’m proud of this, because this is something that I I’ve been doing that is consistent and that is special and tasty. I don’t know if “tasty” applies here; but we’re going to go with it.
4. Have you ever reached an impasse with a friend? Well, I have reached an impasse with this particular friend so many times that the restaurant that we used to meet at when we were younger with firmer complexions has turned into a hipster space station and moved down the road. I’d go in there, but I am afraid that the smell of TIGI and pretention would choke every shred of energy I have regained from me. Yes, every precious SHRED of energy that I have refound and will clutch to my bosom before my doctor has figured out that I have ripped myself off cholesterol medicine and thrust its evil presence from my wrecked body.
5. I’m a tad drama today. Expect more typing.
6. I think I’m slowly finding my fan base. I’ve been hunting them down. I have, of course, been saying this for years of beers, and the 6-8 people who have OPT-ed-ed-IN are tired of my megalomaniacal claims I am sure. They are people like me. But the regular channels of the Getting of the Attention … it doesn’t WORK that way. I can’t be all MERCHY with these people. I can’t jump up and down with pom-poms and clever hooks and drag them out to gigs and send them to my bandcamp.
7. My husband, who apparently although he has a job cannot be bothered to actually code or anything (#pokeymirthlystuff) has figured out that Vinny the Geriatric Kitteh is between 84 and 90ish years of age in human years. Before we dragged him back inside, he was having a vigorous, non-consensual “dating” life with Domina – who I am assuming is between 50 and 60. I am thinking that perhaps a crotchety (yes, I am aware that I have enjoyed typing that word before) .. old man cat could have been rather useful last night as Get-the-Hell-Off-My-Porching those Raccoons last night. More likely he would have just sat there allowing the powers that flea to take his love and take his land. Animals are jerks.
8. Anyway, about my fanz-with-a-Lolcat-inspired-”z” … they are people of the night. Unless they aren’t; and they feel more jaunty during the afternoon or for breakfast or elevenzees. Sometimes they are practical people who like to make crafty items with funny ears. Sometimes they aren’t weird for the sake of being weird. Actually, they never are. They’re just themselves. They just move around, heads cocked to the sides- funny half smiles at the ready. They don’t have the squinky look on their face that I imagine the majority of people make when they are reading my blog. Or perhaps I am giving myself too much credit and I think it is terribly Roman Tick to imagine myself velvet caped in my dungeon of delights playing my creepy basement organ.
9. that is not what she said.
10. I’ve missed blogging. I promise I will not get all creepy.
11. We are inDEED moving to a new location and it does not have a creepy basement for a creepy organ. There are probably about 3-4 basements in the whole city of Austin because of all the limestone. It’s really too bad because I bet it would be nice and cool and cavey down there.
12. OOOOO! I forgot all about CAVES!
12.5 -> I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve lacked confidence. I’ve need LOTS of reassurance. I USED to be like that, but I trained out of it. I think that this is because I got sick, and being sick is scary and hurty and vulnerable.

Well, no more! When you realize that you are in the bottom of a dank, dank, stinky hole then you have to look up and see the gleaming taco stand at the top and crawl back out. I have stuff to do. I’m not even going to link it. I’m not even going to BLOG RESPONSIBLY. You’ll all just have to wait because

HERE IS A DEN LIST:
A. I have either TWO or THREE songs to write. I’m hedging about the third because I am not sure if it is needed, wanted, or necessary. It’s become almost a philisophical connundrum at this point.

B. I SHOULD start with the song that I know I have, but for some reason doing the most difficult thing is what I crave, because if I can do it; that means that I have my stuff under control
C. There is not any more. For that is all.

hay-hay.

ps. sorry for mistigacakes. We have to go someplace and I don’t have the time to spell-chalk this up properliciously.

BORRRINGGGG….

1. I’m headachy this morning
2. I have a lot to do that is really BORING!
3. doing the same thing over and over again for like years is the definition of insanity.
4. I will be OHSOGLAD when my computer gets here!
5. I need to PRACTICE!!!!!!!
6. instead I will be cleaning

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I’m having a BAD night. My head is spinning. I’m out of control.

I’m in a nightmare place and I feel like I have demons in my skull. I usually don’t blog at these times. I usually go it alone. Or, rather, I talk to one of the 4-5 people I have. Sometimes my husband. He’s one. Then I have about 3-4 people I go down a list. They’re there for good reasons. I picked them out for specific reasons. They have their roles. I talk to these people about how/why it’s all falling apart for me. They listen. Or tell me what to do, sometimes. It’s not an ACTIVE telling me what to do. Or maybe, sometimes it is.

I don’t know. These things fluctuate.

Today there is so much about this that is physical. It’s all been physical, so much leading up to this point. My body has not been cooperating with me. I don’t want to slow it down. I know I need to though. I wanted to stay up and make videos. I’m not going to. I’m going to force myself to go to sleep. Maybe. It’s still up in the air.

I need to figure out a way to take more CONSISTENT care of myself while still reaping the benefits of the good things that are happening to me right now. There are such positives to what is happening to me right now.

I wish I could figure out a way to explain that I SO want what is happening to me right now – want to keep it, want to embrace it, want to find a way to WORK with it and figure out how to fit it into my schedule and routine … but that I need to tweak things so that it works with my body a little better. I wish I could just turn the whole thing a little to the right or left so that it all gelled a little bit better. That way, it all would be like it was tailor made for me. Maybe like an exercise routine or something that I picked out. Or a diet that wasn’t a diet. Like something that is hard, yes, but very welcome and worth the difficulties and growing pains.

I guess life is not a buffet of our choosing.

It’s a shame, because I’ve been pretty accomadating thus far toward this process. I feel that it should accomodate me!

The Way I Am

Another Fun List. Yay for Me.

1. things are getting better on Thursdays. They’re better on Thursdays, and they’re better locally – musically. I think that I’m finding my niche in Austin.
2. I still feel very nebulous and homeless and plan-less in general and I need to tighten up about my goals.
3. I’m really addicted to caffeine and I don’t know how I let this happen.
4. My sleep is all karked up.
5. I think I’m losing some of my memories.
6. I’m writing a LOT of songs, so that’s good.
7. I’m not really all that depressed anymore.
8. I think that I’m going to have to live with the fact that I’m sort of a sad, wistful person. Who’s a little off to the side …
9. Playing on Tuesday was a real treat, and the piano was really, really there for me. Everything just kicked in. It did what it was told. It became my instrument again. There was no-one else there and I didn’t care anymore.

I’ll leave it at that.

Late Night Listage

1. My husband said “you should just use your Song Fu photo for Nur Ein.” I just went with it. I don’t know… whatever monkey. I’m thinking it’s a good idea. I’m also thinking it’s silly to worry too much about that crap. I went through a LOT of photos of me looking for that and ended up going for the one that I used before. I’ll probably delete some of the superfluous photos that I don’t need to save space.
2. Things turn on a dime, and I’m pretty sick of it.
3. I need to just get through the next couple of weeks. Cleanly and cool-y.
4. I’m ready to start spending more time on stuff, in general. I mean on the music. There’s been a lot of rush-job.
5. I am feeling kind of hollowed out inside, lately. A little sad. I think I miss Song Fu. When it was going on, I think I was more excited about stuff. I have to find something that does that for me in the same way- because it’s not going to be there for me and I can’t rely on it to ever be restarted. I’m hoping that I get into Nur Ein like that, but at this point I’m just reactionarily, writing songs …
6. At some point, some day … I’m going to figure out a way to get my point across. But not this day I think. Not this month, probably not this year or even this decade. Maybe not this life. Maybe I am just tootoo weird. Maybe I just can’t find my way out of my head. Maybe I’m not good at sharing.

Maybe I’m defective and not fixable.
6. Ack.

I’m Denise …

Hi, I’m Denise, and it’s time for another one.

I’m not making light of people with addictions to substances, first of all. This is my disclaimer.

I don’t talk about my problems. This may come as a shock and a surprise, because I can be quite the little whiner. I’m not going to get into root problems today either. I do want to say something though.

I am a perfectionist. I’m a practice addict. I will go-and-go-and-go-and-go until I drop.

Until I’m dead.

I don’t know what it’s like not to work.

I will work until I’m dead. It’s not about the money, because I rarely, if ever, make anything substantial. It’s about a calling. It’s about being professional, getting things done, contributing to society. If we need money at a particular time, I go out and hustle for it so I can continue working. I don’t know if that makes any sense. I work, all the time. All of it is done so that I can KEEP working. I don’t really know any hobbies or pasttimes. It all feeds into the art, for me.

So it’s easy to OVERwork.

There are some tragedies behind this that make me not as good at the work as I want to be. Right now there are some things that are all globbed together that are making certain facts come into play. I won’t talk about the reasons, but here are the facts.

1. Since February, I’ve started to kinda suck.
2. When I say suck, I mean according to my normal skill level.
3. I don’t think like I used to. I’m not as quick. The people who are very close to me know this, and they know that I am talking about musically. They see that I am not as sharp or fast as I used to be. I’m talking about my husband, and people I allow into my circle to be close to me.
4. I’m not reading books anymore. I mean, like … EVER. It’s been almost a year. I don’t have my music organized, and I live in a thick black fog.
5. I don’t play stupid games on my iPhone. I stare into space.
6. I’ve started blogging, Tweeting, checking email (this one’s REALLY bad), and
7. I have become addicted to songwriting contests for their serial due-date value and to making videos.
8. I am not performing live in a consistent fashion. I’m not calling out or pursuing shows at all.
9. I get sick a lot.
10. I’m back in the agoraphobic phase.
11. I’m not eating right.
12. I’m sleeping less that 4-5 hours a night, on average.
13. I’m making ill informed decisions about all kinds of things. They may be the correct decisions, but I’m making them in a haphazard, ill-researched fashion. Not like me.
14. I’ve stopped hanging out with my Austin people. Any of them.
15. I live in a cave.
16. We don’t really even go to brunch anymore.
17. I don’t practice much downstairs (this is veryvery bad)
18. I am addicted to pianoteq
19. I chat WAAAAAYYYY too much. It doesn’t matter than I’m doing other stuff. I’m in my cave. It doesn’t matter.
20. I never go to the humidor anymore. OR RUTA MAYA. This is terrible.
21. Perhaps the biggest doozy of all:

I’m not making organized lists, my desktop is disorganized, and MY LYRICS FOLDERS are not neatly splayed out in organized folders where everything is right there at my fingertips.

One thing I am doing is recording. Lots and lots of recording. Badly. Recording and keeping up with lots and lots of people who seem to be able to do this fast-paced online living in their sleep even when they are falling apart.

I am neither cool, smooth, or zippy. So I’m jealous all the time. It sucks. And jealousy is ugly.

I’m not this way and that is okay. I’ve learned some valuable things. Hey, I’m blogging about this now, aren’t I?

busybusywrongwrong

I need to be better. I’m not eating, and I’m not sleeping. I need to get ON-IT!.

Apparently, it’s really not very motivating to have your entire psyche filleted by a physic vampire – but there you go.

I’m being really extreme here. I’m totally fine.

I just can’t seem to get it together. Song Fu opens up this week again. ACK! My studio is a SHAMBLES. There’s stuff on Brigit’s Flame to do. I’m not going to even bother to make links. All this means that I pretty much just need to get all this stuff together. Like I say I’m going to do but never really quite manage to complete.

Oh well, at least I have written my complete bio.