want vs. need

1. I WANT …
- to stay up late and work
- to practice for several hours all of a sudden
- to put all my v-blogging I’ve done into one cohesive video that answers EVERYONE’S QUESTIONS.

2. I NEED …
- to go to sleep, because I’ve been “under the weather
- to take it slow, during more normal hours, because I haven’t been practicing normally (for Denise)
- to not hit my “vast audience” over the head with massive amounts of back blogging

2. I WANT …
- to MASS APOLOGIZE to certain friends and loved ones and family members with grandiose and overwhelming gestures for my rampant insantiy
- to do things that would frighten the internet were I to even TYPE them!
- to take over the galaxy with sudden energetic awesomeness.
- to book a trillion gigs this very month

3. I NEED …
- to chill the $%*$ out. and communicate. communication is good. yay communication.
- to relax and trust that everything is going to be okay and that I know what I’m doing.
- to drink less coffee in the near future
- to call just a few places and not get all freaky.

4. I should probably make a few reasonable lists.
5. Why yes, I am a list addict. How did You Know?

I feel … CAPITAL!

1. Working. Working in Public is Good. I think I am Growing.
2. Using Capital letters for Important words makes them less Scary
3. I will beat this thing.
4. I have done all the responsible things that I am supposed to do, if not religiously, well then – at least half-assedly. That is Something.
5. It is impossible to be depressed whilst listening to elevator music in a diner-type enviornment eating FANTASTIC French toast.
6. I will return …

… again.

7. *sigh*
8. If I didn’t have lists, I don’t know what I’d do.
9. If I didn’t have y’all, I don’t know what I’d do. If you even hope I might be talking about you, even a little, you are correct
10. These things roll around. I just don’t enjoy them in the meantime.

I’m having a BAD night. My head is spinning. I’m out of control.

I’m in a nightmare place and I feel like I have demons in my skull. I usually don’t blog at these times. I usually go it alone. Or, rather, I talk to one of the 4-5 people I have. Sometimes my husband. He’s one. Then I have about 3-4 people I go down a list. They’re there for good reasons. I picked them out for specific reasons. They have their roles. I talk to these people about how/why it’s all falling apart for me. They listen. Or tell me what to do, sometimes. It’s not an ACTIVE telling me what to do. Or maybe, sometimes it is.

I don’t know. These things fluctuate.

Today there is so much about this that is physical. It’s all been physical, so much leading up to this point. My body has not been cooperating with me. I don’t want to slow it down. I know I need to though. I wanted to stay up and make videos. I’m not going to. I’m going to force myself to go to sleep. Maybe. It’s still up in the air.

I need to figure out a way to take more CONSISTENT care of myself while still reaping the benefits of the good things that are happening to me right now. There are such positives to what is happening to me right now.

I wish I could figure out a way to explain that I SO want what is happening to me right now – want to keep it, want to embrace it, want to find a way to WORK with it and figure out how to fit it into my schedule and routine … but that I need to tweak things so that it works with my body a little better. I wish I could just turn the whole thing a little to the right or left so that it all gelled a little bit better. That way, it all would be like it was tailor made for me. Maybe like an exercise routine or something that I picked out. Or a diet that wasn’t a diet. Like something that is hard, yes, but very welcome and worth the difficulties and growing pains.

I guess life is not a buffet of our choosing.

It’s a shame, because I’ve been pretty accomadating thus far toward this process. I feel that it should accomodate me!

funfunlistageYAYHAPPYHAPPYfuntimeWIN(ding!)!

1. I’m having some GORGEOUS escape fantasies right now! Tahiti-nepal-sexnrazors-napalm-bleeding-circlesinsilence-crazycrazyMondaybreathing-plugintheforkRIGHTNOW-earwaxcake-HURRYUP AND FLY across the border-changemyname FOREVERandEVER! YEAH, baby!
2. Do you ever feel as though …… you are BEING WATCHED?????!!!! {cue creepy organ music!!! dunh, dunh DUNNNNNNNHHHHHH!}
3. They’ve got a bed. Ward 11. All picked out. It’s pretty. But I won’t go. I don’t like the casserole.
4. I hate everybody, and I WON’T FRICKKING GO, you HEAR ME!!?????
5. AAGGGGHGHHHHHHHH!H!H!!H!H!H!H!!H!H!H!
6. I will play Vampires Live all night until I die.
7. I think my skin is getting darker, it must be summertime.
8. I haven’t tried corn in a while, but I think I still don’t like it.
9. I checked, and I don’t think I wanna be famous anymore. I DO wanna be kinda well off though, so I guess I’ll try to keep working. Maybe I should take up banking. I guess I need to take up math now. That kinda blows, doesn’t it.
10. You know what? NUR EIN! It’s a real pity, isn’t it.
11. I REALLY need to finish those reviews. I’ll keep trying, I really will. Those people deserve more from me. Especially Niveous, who pretty much said the coolest thing about me I’ve heard in a long time. It’s nice to be seen.
12. 36 is too late for a career change, isn’t it?

Ack.

Fun photo of the DAY!!!!!

OOO! Creepy serial killer photo

On Being Careful

1. There is a reason for lists. Lists separate things into biteable chunks and make things easier to digest. You can agree with 1, and then 3-7, but not 2, and 8-10 … only feeling 60% negatively about it. You don’t go away with a bad tinge in your mouth. This seemed like basic math to me.
2. Denise math doesn’t work the same as other math.
3. I’ve been a diarist and an over-sharer for a long time. I thought a long time before typing that word.
4. Writing words like “over-sharer” are risky; just like phrases like “This live recording sounds like ass and I don’t want to release it,” or “This shirt is not flattering” or “This song has a sub-par vocal track so I am surprised it is doing so well in the voting.”

Which are statements of fact.

Typing these sentences is also a risk because standing up for yourself is difficult. And I have been painted with a certain brush my whole life. Don’t know what it is about me … I think that I might have something sticking to me – and I think it fixes it so that I shouldn’t criticize myself. No… not even just criticize – critique, even. Because when I do- I feel nailed for it. This is why having a blog has been so risky for me. When I blog, it feels like a diary that I am tempted to write down every thought in.

I can’t help but feels a little embittered though, when I see a sea of other women, and men who are “down on themselves;” and I seem to be one who often gets called out for a lack of self-confidence up to the point of being very seriously mentally troubled (with labels that would and have been career-stoppers, for me). There definitely is no shame in getting help, but sometimes, there are unfortunate consequences for needing it. And I notice that it is actually true that there ARE people who self-flagellate FAR more often and MUCH more violently than I do. There are turns of phrase I don’t say to myself. The only area I REALLY need to work on this is during practice time, when I can actually be really harsh. This is bad habit more than anything, left over from music school – where I feel I was trained to call myself “stupid” for missing notes. Not helpful (now THAT was a risk, to share that, and I imagine pads of papers and pencils being drawn out and my whole blog being ignored now for THAT statement).

I could give examples of people around us who we all admire a lot who say things about themselves that if I said them, I’d probably be in serious psycho-trouble online AND at home. These people don’t get painted though. Maybe it is because they have bigger careers or are higher up on the pole and obviously have hella self-confidence; wouldn’t need the advice or the boost up; wouldn’t need to be told not to be so hard on themselves; wouldn’t need to be reminded that this thing we do really isn’t that hard core.  I won’t point it out to these really talented people that they too probably should shut their yaps and be more positive or maybe they will get called out like me someday, certainly not in public. We’re all going through it so sometimes if it occurs to me I just say something. Sometimes I don’t. But this doesn’t mean I’m better or worse because I do or don’t say something in a particular way. I appreciate any attention. Even if I have to clean up afterward.

But I will say this once, and only once. This thing we do is and can be hard core. If you’re not on the ball about things, the days pass you by – this is just how it is. If you get less sleep – you have more time to do things. If you get more rest, you are a more quality person during the hours you are awake. You have to do body-math. I will say that I am a professional and have been all my life regardless of whether or not I am currently being paid.

But I should be further along on my road than I am, because the particular things that *I* do and that *I* am good at and that only *I* can do … I’m very good at. Given time and focus, with little distractions, there’s no telling what could really happen. I don’t see anyone that makes me feel bad or jealous. I think I’m on a par or more equipped than everyone I meet in some way, and when I meet someone who is better than me I take what I like from them and add to what I know.  I speak in generalities sometimes, so it’s hard to understand me, but there it is.

Saying I should be a lot further along is not a statement about how I should push myself, it’s a risky statement of fact. I’m not flagellating myself, I’m looking back on a series of setbacks, unfortunate occurences, and sometimes … mistakes that have led me to the point where I’ve been “held back more than a few grades.” In my case, it has proved disastrous more than once to get into explanations. So *I don’t go there.* It’s private. I’ve said too much about it already. Much of this blog and this “sharing” is as close as I come to doing something against myself, if you want to know the truth, because I have extended vulnerability in an attempt to say yes … I know I am okay.

Why this, you wonder? Well, I do overshare. I’ve been talking about my feelings with loose tongue. On here. In chat. I have started trusting. And I have forgotten that for some reason, I don’t necessarily have that luxury. I don’t have a lot of time. I have a job. If I ever DO want to make this a living where I DO something with it, I can’t go around diffusing these sorts of bombs.

Because that is not who I am.

Now later I will fix the link to my nur ein contest song. I don’t think it will win the round, certainly – there are problems. It’s much better than round one though and I think that if I get to round two I can probably get even better with more prep time (which was what I lacked this week.)

DJRD

ps. Comments can be sent to me directly on twitter or wherever else you normally go about finding me directly as an individual.

Late Night Listage

1. My husband said “you should just use your Song Fu photo for Nur Ein.” I just went with it. I don’t know… whatever monkey. I’m thinking it’s a good idea. I’m also thinking it’s silly to worry too much about that crap. I went through a LOT of photos of me looking for that and ended up going for the one that I used before. I’ll probably delete some of the superfluous photos that I don’t need to save space.
2. Things turn on a dime, and I’m pretty sick of it.
3. I need to just get through the next couple of weeks. Cleanly and cool-y.
4. I’m ready to start spending more time on stuff, in general. I mean on the music. There’s been a lot of rush-job.
5. I am feeling kind of hollowed out inside, lately. A little sad. I think I miss Song Fu. When it was going on, I think I was more excited about stuff. I have to find something that does that for me in the same way- because it’s not going to be there for me and I can’t rely on it to ever be restarted. I’m hoping that I get into Nur Ein like that, but at this point I’m just reactionarily, writing songs …
6. At some point, some day … I’m going to figure out a way to get my point across. But not this day I think. Not this month, probably not this year or even this decade. Maybe not this life. Maybe I am just tootoo weird. Maybe I just can’t find my way out of my head. Maybe I’m not good at sharing.

Maybe I’m defective and not fixable.
6. Ack.

I’m Denise …

Hi, I’m Denise, and it’s time for another one.

I’m not making light of people with addictions to substances, first of all. This is my disclaimer.

I don’t talk about my problems. This may come as a shock and a surprise, because I can be quite the little whiner. I’m not going to get into root problems today either. I do want to say something though.

I am a perfectionist. I’m a practice addict. I will go-and-go-and-go-and-go until I drop.

Until I’m dead.

I don’t know what it’s like not to work.

I will work until I’m dead. It’s not about the money, because I rarely, if ever, make anything substantial. It’s about a calling. It’s about being professional, getting things done, contributing to society. If we need money at a particular time, I go out and hustle for it so I can continue working. I don’t know if that makes any sense. I work, all the time. All of it is done so that I can KEEP working. I don’t really know any hobbies or pasttimes. It all feeds into the art, for me.

So it’s easy to OVERwork.

There are some tragedies behind this that make me not as good at the work as I want to be. Right now there are some things that are all globbed together that are making certain facts come into play. I won’t talk about the reasons, but here are the facts.

1. Since February, I’ve started to kinda suck.
2. When I say suck, I mean according to my normal skill level.
3. I don’t think like I used to. I’m not as quick. The people who are very close to me know this, and they know that I am talking about musically. They see that I am not as sharp or fast as I used to be. I’m talking about my husband, and people I allow into my circle to be close to me.
4. I’m not reading books anymore. I mean, like … EVER. It’s been almost a year. I don’t have my music organized, and I live in a thick black fog.
5. I don’t play stupid games on my iPhone. I stare into space.
6. I’ve started blogging, Tweeting, checking email (this one’s REALLY bad), and
7. I have become addicted to songwriting contests for their serial due-date value and to making videos.
8. I am not performing live in a consistent fashion. I’m not calling out or pursuing shows at all.
9. I get sick a lot.
10. I’m back in the agoraphobic phase.
11. I’m not eating right.
12. I’m sleeping less that 4-5 hours a night, on average.
13. I’m making ill informed decisions about all kinds of things. They may be the correct decisions, but I’m making them in a haphazard, ill-researched fashion. Not like me.
14. I’ve stopped hanging out with my Austin people. Any of them.
15. I live in a cave.
16. We don’t really even go to brunch anymore.
17. I don’t practice much downstairs (this is veryvery bad)
18. I am addicted to pianoteq
19. I chat WAAAAAYYYY too much. It doesn’t matter than I’m doing other stuff. I’m in my cave. It doesn’t matter.
20. I never go to the humidor anymore. OR RUTA MAYA. This is terrible.
21. Perhaps the biggest doozy of all:

I’m not making organized lists, my desktop is disorganized, and MY LYRICS FOLDERS are not neatly splayed out in organized folders where everything is right there at my fingertips.

One thing I am doing is recording. Lots and lots of recording. Badly. Recording and keeping up with lots and lots of people who seem to be able to do this fast-paced online living in their sleep even when they are falling apart.

I am neither cool, smooth, or zippy. So I’m jealous all the time. It sucks. And jealousy is ugly.

I’m not this way and that is okay. I’ve learned some valuable things. Hey, I’m blogging about this now, aren’t I?

Dear Internet (but not really)

1. I have a gig. Today this isn’t a good thing. Missing it isn’t an option.
2. I’m starving. But eating isn’t really an option either for the same reason that missing the gig isn’t an option. Or rather, eating will cause the missing of the gig. Which is unfortunate. I’ll do what I can.
3. Writing and checking in with writing all day has calmed me down. I know that I’m disconnecting, because I’m not even all that worried about the ning thing. Not even enough to post a link to the letter. Not really even enough to post links to anything.
4. I have no feelings for anything about anyone today. I am feeling really cold and unaffected and clinical.
5. Why did I title the post this? Oh yeah.

I have a lot of work to do right now. I counted up the projects. There are 32 active projects. That’s just stupid. They are not all marked “urgent.” Many of them are just mine … just things I am doing. So many of them are different things for people, one person doesn’t really know about the other, different aspects of my life, blah-blah-blah.

I think there are really just 12 things that HAVE to get done. Maybe 7 that need doing by this weekend’s end. Oh wait … no eight. That’s not too horrible. That’s 8 music things. Not eight life things. I still have to function and be a Productive Wife and Member of a Family and Human Being in a Community of Folks Who Give a Rat’s Ass.

(by the way, Mike does not put these ideas in my head. he is very nice. i am a goober.)

[aside. my iPhone just totally FREAKED OUT on me. it's sync-ing with my brain!]

But I will have to get stuff done, is what I’m saying. And if I feel like I’ve got the loose ends I have to say something. So I’m writing a letter to “myself” which is up here now so that I can say, “enough already” … if you’re distracted Mz. D, it’s Enigma Variations time. You’re grounded from the internet. There is too much stimuli. Because what if there’s a hostile takeover or something. An asparagus shortage. An alien landing and they don’t care about us but they have only come here to steal our mayonnaise. Gah! That would be a tragedy!

(why would the aliens need mayo? couldn’t they make it themselves?)

This is less a blog right now than a chronicle of my slow-slip into insanity! I really wanted this to be A Professional Thing. I am A Professional.

Hah. Not So Much. But my songs are hardly professional either, are they. And all the while I do this, I’m working in the back of my skull.

I suppose I should take the good with the bad and just let it happen as it does and do what I need to do to care for myself. Whatever is distracting.

Whatever.

1. I am unusually reluctant to leave the house today.
2. I went to the doctor today, and the appointment was UN-nice. DISTINCTLY un-nice. But I needed to hear what she had to say.
3. I have overdue responsibilities, and am in a process of mildly ruining my life.
4. I still am not really eating all that much
5. I will have late fees at the rental place and that’s just how it is.
6. Everything I touch turns sour and curdles and has to be thrown in the garbage (at least, that’s what it feels like today).
7. I REALLY don’t want to perform tonight.
8. I have to learn another cover song this weekend, which I am not relishing.
9. I’m lucky people love me.
10. I am also damn lucky that anyone at all is paying any attention to me.

I was under the assumption that I was doing well and that things were going great. Sitting at rest for any length of time is a baaaaad idea though.

Sometimes I feel as though I am a collection of symptoms, and not really a person.

the musical

I don’t know what my problem is.  Australia is burning.  This is much worse than what is going on in my life.  I feel so bad for my husband.  It’s his home.

The musicial was, as I figured, devestatingly distracting for me.  I don’t know if I’m going to get the Song Fu stuff done or not.  It’s due at 11:59 PM ET tomorrow.  There’s no telling what will happen, if I’ll finish.  I’ve got vocals to cut.  Who knows.  I’ll also have to mix down.  We’re at Ruta, smoking.  I’m blogging.  I’ve got lyrics and a rough tune.  An idea for accompaniment.  

I almost quit a few times, quit a lot of things.  The musical was devestating for me in a lot of ways.  I really thought is was going to be almost impossible for me to write a happy song.  Everything of mine was hanging out everywhere.  I really don’t know how I’m going to accomplish this “being out in public among the people I used to know” thing.  I trust my new friends now, but all the old people that I used to know don’t get that I have to make complete breaks and complete changes.

The musical was good too.  I met good people.  I may or may not have new friends.  We’ll see what happens.  I’m going to try to keep in touch with people.  Maybe I will go to my band-director friend’s party that he’s throwing in appreciation.  I’m going to try to get over things that bother me. 

The fires have been like the flaming Katrina of Australia right now.