i’m a loser baby, so why don’tcha kill me…

when you are a weak person in many ways, what do you do?

what do you do when you are easily distracted, when you have problems and there are things that get to you? when you can’t handle your anger and you are so consumed sometimes that you can’t really solve your problems and are distracted from what you have to do?

in my experience, denying the problem and trying to live with it in a calm fashion as though it does not exist doesn’t really help. reducing a mountain down to a small dot is not really possible. it is not possible to play hopscotch over Mount Everest.

It is possible, however, to move back home and admit that you are not a mountain climber and that it is more appropriate to play hopscotch on your driveway. It’s easier to navigate a bit of a slope, or a flat surface if you have grown up and moved away from your childhood home in this ridiculous metaphor.

It’s important to know that you don’t really have a duty to anyone but yourself. In a way, you almost don’t really have a duty to your family – no, not even your children. Your duty to your children is to remain sane for them so if they drive you crazy figure out what to do within your limitations so that you can be there for them in the way that is appropriate for your situation. I had a discussion with a good mom once and that was the conclusion that was arrived at. I’m not a mom – so that sounded good to me. It seemed like an appropriate way to apply boundaries.

If you’re a weak-boundaried person, perhaps you are NOT weak. Maybe it’s like a muscle. Maybe you shouldn’t be tasked to carry such a heavy load. Maybe it’s not really your problem. Maybe you should only ask yourself to deal with what you can deal with at the time you can deal with it.

I myself think that I have been dealing, emotionally, with too much. I have been taking on responsibilities, emotionally, that are not mine. I have been adopting roles that I should not have to play. I have not been enjoying liberties that I should get to indulge in. I often suffer in secret silence. I do not talk about being sick very much, and take time to myself to heal. I do not discuss rejection, because I am too proud. I suffer the proximity of those who have hurt me, and I have done this all my life. I should be allowed to apply distance and not have to show up when I think that doing so would shame me.

I’d like to hear an honest speech of defeat, and if I were a politician, I would give one. I don’t know what I would call my political party – and that is a subject for a far denser blog anyhow that I’m going to have to grow a different Sort of Courage to write; which will take time – but the tone of my speech would contain:

1. I worked REALLY hard to get here and I sunk ALL my hopes into this race.
2. I have very little agreement with my opponent and am feeling pretty jealous and bitter right now. Giving this speech is hard and it’s hard not to cry. I’ll do all I can to help, of course, and I will be as nice as pie and try to be gracious – but damn! I’d like to kick the proverbial rock and sure pout a little bit!
3. If at all possible and if I have the strength, I’m going to keep trying to achieve my goals.
4. It sure is embarrassing to lose when you try so hard.
5. All the mean things that people said about me hurt my feelings, because I like validation as much as the next guy. It’s really HARD to turn the other cheek.
6. “huh, huh. I said cheek…hehehehehe” {no, I wouldn’t say that. this is probably why I wouldn’t entertain a career in politics though. i am a child}
7. There’s lots of other stuff I’d probably say about my honest feelings. I’d try to put myself in the best light possible of course, but I might be honest about needing to get what I want.

Point is, for a while, I’d go away to lick my wounds, and not hang around the white house, or the mansion, or the place of office, or whatever – and torture myself while all the Fun was going down. Because I don’t think I’d be able to plan my next attack very effectively.

That’s just really not how I roll. I’m quite the sore loser.

Kick a rock.

ack!

I am going to try to get more in touch with “The Austin Thing.”

That is what I call it. Randall talks about things that are going on all the time, as though I would just know them.

I do not, because I am a hermit. I am Out of The Loop. I do not think he realizes how much I rely on him for connectivity. I’m sure he would be fine with it though. He’s good like that. He likes to be helpful. I suppose this is why he is a good engineer. At his best, I think he is a scary engineer. This is why I need to be home-centric now. He’s probably the reason I got things done in SongFu, a couple of those close times. He’s EERILY talented.

I’m going to write about song contests though, and the “internet” thing (as I’ve also been calling it); soon, soon! Because I think that I’ve been doing the right thing with myself all along.

I don’t really know what “New Model Musician” means. Not totally. Not entirely. I could look it up in the dictionary or on the web. There’s already a label with the name, and DFTBA (the label whose forums are hosting the transplants from Too Much Awesome, the web community which my Song Fu co-competitors Mike Lombardo
(he’s got a CD out, folks… Kevin wants you to know … this …)

BY THE WAY. SAMMY MAKES THESE VIDEOS.

and Jeff MacDougall (by the way, nice slogan! ..) founded on ning (ack!) – they absorbed the TMA community after ning went kinda “corporate.” There’s different facets to that story, but it’s nice that the people continue.

I really am glad of the Spintown blog, because right now, that’s the contest that is piquing my interest. For a while I was doing Nur Ein (I made it into 4 (which really means 5 because of Round Zero (which I blew on so don’t listen without listening to the rest of me!) rounds before I got sick … That doesn’t mean that I won’t do Songfight ever, which is where they were forum-ing about nur ein.

I have lots of ideas, of course.

For now I will finish my list. You know … at the other place. And then do some other stuff. Yeah.

I’m having a BAD night. My head is spinning. I’m out of control.

I’m in a nightmare place and I feel like I have demons in my skull. I usually don’t blog at these times. I usually go it alone. Or, rather, I talk to one of the 4-5 people I have. Sometimes my husband. He’s one. Then I have about 3-4 people I go down a list. They’re there for good reasons. I picked them out for specific reasons. They have their roles. I talk to these people about how/why it’s all falling apart for me. They listen. Or tell me what to do, sometimes. It’s not an ACTIVE telling me what to do. Or maybe, sometimes it is.

I don’t know. These things fluctuate.

Today there is so much about this that is physical. It’s all been physical, so much leading up to this point. My body has not been cooperating with me. I don’t want to slow it down. I know I need to though. I wanted to stay up and make videos. I’m not going to. I’m going to force myself to go to sleep. Maybe. It’s still up in the air.

I need to figure out a way to take more CONSISTENT care of myself while still reaping the benefits of the good things that are happening to me right now. There are such positives to what is happening to me right now.

I wish I could figure out a way to explain that I SO want what is happening to me right now – want to keep it, want to embrace it, want to find a way to WORK with it and figure out how to fit it into my schedule and routine … but that I need to tweak things so that it works with my body a little better. I wish I could just turn the whole thing a little to the right or left so that it all gelled a little bit better. That way, it all would be like it was tailor made for me. Maybe like an exercise routine or something that I picked out. Or a diet that wasn’t a diet. Like something that is hard, yes, but very welcome and worth the difficulties and growing pains.

I guess life is not a buffet of our choosing.

It’s a shame, because I’ve been pretty accomadating thus far toward this process. I feel that it should accomodate me!

Sanity. Because somebody has to do it.

1. I am considering a return to sanity. I was thinking about just letting it all go, and drooling on myself. But I’m not going to.
2. I’m going to spend the next hour doing something I want to do.
3. Then I’m going to do some list making.
4. I will then FINISH a project. This will be finished tonight.
5. I will then FINISH writing a song.
6. I will probably figure out what to do about that song at that point. I will implement that plan tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I’m going to deal with Nur Ein and what will maybe be loose ends of my project. I hope, no. I hope it will be done when I’m done. A decisive finish that is good and clean and acceptable. I can hear it in my head. I hope it is awesome. God, I hope it is awesome.

After that, I have some rehearsals to prepare for. I can’t afford to suck on these Monday rehearsals. I also have to forward a song that I co-wrote this week to the guy I co-wrote it with. I have to get those tracks down for that so that we can have a decent demo for it. I have to learn 6 songs for one rehearsal and I don’t know how many for the other one. But I know they have at least 13 on the set-list. I also need to nail down my set list for Tuesday, and figure out if I’m going to cast.

I feel like in all of this I’ve completely forgotten that I have a solo thing that *I* wanted to do. Eventually, I’d like to book some shows.

I feel like I’m making a list now. I feel like I need a vacation. Or a nap …..

I don’t even want to talk about the state my house is in!

anger

So yeah … I thought that it was supposed to slowly ebb away.  Get a little better.  I was going to kind of sit on the front porch of the coffee shop – and obsessively … uh … surf the internet, we’ll just say.  But I’m not doing that.  The website in question will not cooperate with the server here, or something.  So I’m listening to country western pour out of someone’s cab.  It’s reminding me of my marine – which is just making me sad.  I’m wondering if I will have any people who are just mine left – or if they are all going to be absconded with.

I know that I’m just being bitter and absolutist, but I’m starting to freak out a little bit here.

I wanted to do some pro-active audio work today.  Finishing the troubleshooting that I need to do to move on with some of my stuff requires a cool head and concentration.  Neither of which I have.  My engineering buddy called me a day or two ago and told me that he’s going to help me soon – like next week or something.  That’s really good of him – but the fact is that I want to be able to do all the things I need to do and just ask him a few intelligent questions.  I don’t want to bug him with asinine BS.  I would rather just have done with all that.

Maybe there will be better reception for my voyeuring in the humidor.

Barton Springs, finally.

This entry has nothing to do with the pool in Austin.

Downhill Fast

This post is rated PG-13 for a bit of cigar room language (just some color, I’m not describing a sexy colonoscopy or anything…)

Thank the damn iPhone fairies

I drank the Kool Aide along with everybody else … but that doesn’t mean I understand how to do a damn thing. I’m basically screwed for a while …

CRASH!

My computer needs (again) a new motherboard. This will be its THIRD successive motherboard. I can’t believe it’s still under warranty. When I go to cafes, people actually feel very bad for me (you know – with the wireless card and the electrical tape and all) …

In other news, don’t you fret (my LARGE audience …) I WILL be recording soon. My engineer actually didn’t call me back, but I was still being completely paranoid. I ran into him at the humidor and we got to talking about all sorts of amazing things. Felt as though I was totally grokked about music school … even got to talking about DM and he knew of her teacher (I am still really upset that she did not live to see ‘Two Hands‘). So it was a really good conversation.

So I was just freaking out with all the drama – oh no, I have to just quit music and become a chimney sweep because no one wants to work with me … (not that it wouldn’t be exciting to be a chimney sweep. Perhaps I should write a chimney sweep song – although it has already been done. Do we really need more than one?) Anyway … It was the week after south-by-south-shimmydowntha’drainpipe … so what did I expect?

Well, my engineer (I know, that sounds really possessive - but it has to feel like he is or it doesn’t work) … he’s a GENIUS … is as picky as I am about absolutely everything … also seems to dislike when dj-s butcher Violent Femmes songs … and has an engineering (and personal) background that is going to make what I have to do very interesting. I’m very excited.

I just have to figure out my money situation. I have the money for the recording. But the problem is – the marimba. I decided to use most of our “standing around money” (i.e. – our music money) for paying debt (I hate paying interest). So now I have to convince everyone in my house to eat ramen (because we’re probably not going to stop smoking fine cigars …) so that I can bulk back up. Or maybe I just can’t have it both ways. I guess we’ll just have to see – because I’d also like the husband to be able to buy some uber-camera. We’ll just have to see if Mr. Bush sends us our money – and if that helps.

I have more funny stuff to write about – but I’ll have to save it. I have to frantically write out LISTS, LISTS, and more LISTS! Much to do from now ’till then! AGGGH!

EVENING: petty jealousies, blockages, reflections, a try at a restaurant review, and a bit of a “vagina monolouge”