contests and cutting

There’s a new contest. You’ll hear more about this because I’m really excited.

There’s been some talk lately, in my life. I was thinking about stopping contests. Like maybe they weren’t good for me. I went through this a while ago, with piano practicing.

I practice a lot. A LOT of superfluous piano. I do a LOT of “superfluous” things that don’t really “do me any good.” I do a lot of “time wasting” things. And I kind of cast about, adrift.

This has been about a year of that.

And yet, I’ve had more growth and more happiness in the last year or so that I ever would have believed possible.

I’ve also been more ALONE than I would have believed possible – even in community.

And by alone, I don’t mean lonely. I mean alone as in, get it together, girl. I mean alone as in pushed to the front of the stage out of costume. Naked, sometimes. Totally in the wrong kind of show. I’m not that sort of performer.

And I do need to get it together. Make some hard realizations.

sweet dreams that leave all worries behind

I’ve got a lot on mind, and I’m very nervous.

I haven’t been a spiritual person. Not in a while. Not since the last time I was quite ill, actually. So it surprised me that tonight, when I am frozen stock still once again in fear and dread and uncertainty … that I actually prayed.

It was particularly ironic on this day.

I have mixed emotions about all that right now. I may explain in more detail at some point. For now I will put my weary head on my pillow, and hope for good dreams, and for what my grandmother used to say, which was “happy face in the morning.”

Yes. I’ll definately take that order of love now please

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I make the lists anyway

This week has been ping pong.

My paddle .. is not.

cliff edge

I’m hanging. I’ve had this feeling before. I remember this feeling. This is an overcaffienated, freaky feeling of being outside myself. A frenzied, I-don’t-know-myself feeling. An over-stimulated feeling. And I’m kind of scared, actually. I know what it comes in the front of. I’ve just never been HERE before, in these circumstances. I’ve never had this much responsibility. I’ve never been out in public.

I’m not out “in public.” I’ve actually been more “at home.” But there are more people around me, because I’ve been online a lot. But my world is growing smaller and smaller because I’ve been online so much that my creativity is shrinking because I am missing something that it relies so much on.

This is a warning that I’ve been given, it’s a wake-up call. I know what will happen to me if I ignore it….

{8.17.2012}

Doing nothing is REALLY preferable to doing something. And sometimes it’s better than doing anything. And I REALLY need to remember that. I think that I’m starting to freak out again. This happens when it gets cold, I know. I start to fritter around. Get a little crazy.

Nobody likes a crazy person, do they?