I’m tired, I have a persistent headache, and I’ve seen absolutely nothing on the Internet today that has made me feel happy or personally supported after being at my aunt’s memorial (i only looked at Top Stories. Powers that be may not have thought you worthy. Also, I’m generalizing. And sadly, apologizing ). I loved my aunt dearly, so I’m honestly tempted to just do what I did while we were all saying a rosary in my cousin’s living room (no, I will not apologize for being brought up Catholic today; or explain my current religious leanings, or lack thereof). I’m tempted to turn off the interwebz like I did my phone. Then I’m tempted to not turn it back on.
I have kind of closed in on myself out of necessity, and for good reason. I am sick, and I am sad, and I need more from people – several people – quite honestly.
Today I feel exposed and raw; like quitting. Like moving very far away and starting all over.
But I won’t do it. I will figure out what to do next.
I’ve gotten some webhosting, you see. This may not seem like a big deal to some people; but to me it represents a decision. A decision to get serious. A decision that I feel I am of too good a quality to continue being ignored. That it shames me and my upbringing when I don’t heavily promote myself. That I shortchange myself when I am not with people who see me as I am. And a person is never really done practicing…but I am done with this prep work and done reworking and retreading my mistakes and letting them unravel any good that came out of the mistakes I made.
A couple huge, key mistakes got made. So be it. Get over them and work. All birds fly away. I have done this before and this is how I learned to record myself and listen to myself.
It’s not even a good idea to put things in negative terms. Life will dish out disappointment. Instances where I do not win, get enough, get my way. I have to live for the love of the game. I’m so pleased to be learning hard lessons this time while Olympics are on. I can be cerebral watching attractive people in close fitting garments do physically demanding things.
This year I’m going to do that and NOT consume bags of Pepperidge Farm products.
So I am excited about the future. I don’t know where we are going but I have some new stuff I’m doing, both writing and music-wise, that is pretty neat. I’m scared, because I don’t have any idea what I’m doing; but I’m sure if I turn off the Internet, from time to time – for reasonable, non-anger inspired reasons (although getting mad is SOOOO valid!)…
well, I think I can do it!
also, in closing, sometimes something you saw that really hurt your feelings during a vulnerable time can give you a great, creative idea. Something you can build on and run with