1. My teeth are fuzzy and my brain is flopsy because I fell asleeping in the Granny couch
2. I have a Ferocious headache. It has a persnickety attitude and a foul temper and has sharp, pointy teeth like a deranged walrus. rarrrr.
3. So, two years ago was the Song Fu release of ‘Something Very Horrible (Bluebeard’s Lament)‘ This was probably the birth of Duality237 – a project with Joe “Covenant” Lamb which made a lot of really pretty songs. When I realized that today because I pay attention to silly things like when I put which songs out and when certain Song Characters and Internet Personalities and Identities of mine have birthdays well … I felt old.
4. When I go to bed, I am not checking for gray hairs.
5. How do we spell gray anyway? Is it ‘gray’ or ‘grey?’ Do we get to pick? Is it the one choice that we actually HAVE in the English language?
6. Facebook keeps crashing, so I cannot “like” anything at all… Boo to this. Boo. Here is a tiny list of things that I would “like”
-My friend Manhattan Glutton won this week’s Song Fight. Yes we took a photo in New York drinking Manhattans. We look silly.
-My new hilarious friend from someplace in the middle of England is writing a Soap Operatic Fish Saga. It will continue tomorrow. Right now there has been a dastardly deed done. I would love to share and link the fishsticks out of this somehow. It is not yet Available to the Public, no, but only to the trusted Few. I will Tell the minute it is on the shelves for consumption.
-oh. apparently I am allowed to “like” pianoteq. This confirms and validates my choice that the piano I made for An Extremely Late project I am Woefully behind on needs to just be done with and I don’t need to redo it.
7. Why would the cat scratch the sofa RIGHT in front of me as if I don’t know what’s going on?!? I wasn’t born yesterday!!
8. In conclusion, this is a picture of the Fun Snake Shoes, one of which broke under the sheer tension of its awesomeness. I took it in the old house. I need to get them fixed so I can try to break my neck again. Why yes, I am aware that these are the most frivolous shoes in the galaxy. No, my blogtatistic friendstrels, I do not feel inclined to care if I have a predilection for Silly Footwear!
9. I went out for dinner with my Dad at the Grove tonight (well, last night). That was nice. We had wine and cheese and tiny sandwiches. I am behind on like three food reviews. This is difficult because I don’t necesscelery want this to become a Food Blog. But if that’s what happens oh whale, right?
10. Good Greasy Griefazoids I’m sleepsy. This is probably because it is Bologna O’Clock in the morning. Zounds. Ack. flib. Monge. Flarg.
11. I totally had to add a number eleven to this blog post, and a title before that. My cut and paste left out half the entry, including the picture. But I think it looks nicer with this litte disclamatory on the end, don’t you?
Archive for February, 2012
1. Things came to a head, crested, and did not go boom. They went KreeeFLARvvvvv and then…
..”meh. …”
2. Consequently, I’m going to barbecue.
3. Our barbecue is REALLY awesome in Texas. The BEST in the WHOLE DAMN WORLD 
It’ll make you fat though. My husband and I are going to discuss how we don’t give a #$*% about this over brisket.
4. I like to chat about how I am actually wrong about apocalyptic doom sometimes. I’m gonna be okay and have some music to make
5. there is no reason to be afraid of something beautiful and wonderful and special that is coming over the horizon just because you have been torn apart for the past while. Ruining the next beautiful thing because my previous mistakes ruined me would be dumb indeed.
6. i don’t care about scandal. i don’t care about bitterness. i don’t care about revenge and about ugliness anymore.
maybe i’ll make this blog a nice pale peach color or at least something less blue when i get home. i don’t know.
when love is lonely, it looks for friends.
1. I’m having a hard time with some hard truths. It’s hard not to be sad and my stamina is flagging. In weak moments I am not sure how much more I can take but really I know I can (and likely will) take a lot more and that I am strong and that I will Win. Nobody feels sorry for me and I can survive because I am not afraid of anything.
I know someone who told me once that when they decide something that they are resolute about it and that is just Is… Their feelings cannot be moved.
I heard myself saying things about an old situation last night that I never thought I’d say. I found myself remembering how desperate and humiliated I once was. I can’t afford to be nice about certain situations. And I am a person it is so easy to intimidate. I will back down and cower …
I remember vowing it would never be that way again.
2. truth is buried deep inside of me and I have known this all along. it can’t be learned at the feet of others or be dependent upon their goodwill … it must be breathed through an open soul into the places where love is meant to stay and flourish.
3, peace must be self perpetuating and calm must be accessible at will
4. yeah. all this is easy to say when you had a GOOD music reading day and can write. But when you’re alone and no one’s in your corner and you don’t have the strength to finish the stuff you have to finish …
5. only from within can a difference be made, because resistance and new freaky obstacles will never cease…
6. I had a bagel today. then my “friend” ignored me and I threw up. I think that’s a little over the top. :/
7. I find myself thinking about prayer but then thinking that concept is silly? Can you pray if you used your prayer card as currency to gamble at a high stakes dice game that you lost? And you’ve done this twice?
That doesn’t work, does it…
All hopes at professionalism upon my blog have slipped slowly down into the nether regions of Balrog Town, gremlins…
1. It’s Valentines Day. It’s tempting to be angry.
2. I am married to a wonderful man and he makes me very happy and very disgusted and very angry and we have been together for over 13 years. That’s a long time.
3. Thirteen is a really unlucky number. This is what my songwriting partner of Billy and the Psychotics and I have agreed upon. We have not written a song in three rounds. This makes me (and I think him) really sort of blue – but we don’t have time for that: me because I’m behind on so much stuff including exciting things for other people. I don’t have any business mooning over music which has been making me happy and thrilling my soul because it’s easy to write and rocks in five minutes or less. We will be back to it when the list scrolls back to the top. At the end of this day and especially the end of this week things are going to get a lot easier for me.
4. All of my silliness this year has messed up my other music making because I have actually sat in front of other open projects and thought through the thousands of other upsetting things that could go wrong interpersonally JUST LIKE what has previously happened to me and so have shut down my software and lain down to do nothing or watch stupid YouTube videos of seventeen people playing one accordion or whatever. Because I am sure that disaster of epic proportion is lurking around every corner. You have to be a pretty big screw-up to flitz out of as many situations as I have. I’m having to add other limbs to count the mistakes that Have Been Made 
yeah, it increases my songwriting opps. So what?! Yes, I’ve written MANY tunes and made them into Cryptic Relationship Numbers too. Whatevermonkey……
5. Although 13 is an unlucky number, I know that Mike and I can make it through because we have done it before. That doesn’t mean that people who don’t and can’t aren’t as good as us or that if we don’t for some reason that we aren’t as good as them. I hope we will always be as close as we are now. Mike is the best man that I know, that’s for sure.
6. I cried a lot in the Spintunes listening party last night. I know other people understood the emotionality of some of that – and I appreciate that.
7. I’m especially glad for a couple of my friends right now and Am trying to pull myself out of this rut quickly so I can work.
8. Tonight we are having a very romantic dinner with my stepfather and my brother and sister in law and we are going to watch funny Internet videos and be glad to be in one another’s company and that we are happy and have a good family that survives and loves each other.
I should also call my father, simply because he is my dad; and it’s Valentine’s Day…
8. I’ve taken a lot of hits over the past year and yes, it’s true; almost died of a broken hearty-depression thing. I know that sounds really Lady-of-Cooking-Onions… But I DID lose over thirty pounds and languish in secret while having to pretend everything was Peachy-Keen-Jellybean and this suited the whole situation to a Capitol T, actually; allowing it to flourish and run amok. I still am a polite creature and wormholes will unravel if I get into things. Sometimes the best way to show love is to walk the earth appearing as though you are a silly, easy-to-Snow Ninny-of-a-Chit. It may kill to think of folks sauntering around laughing at your “ignorance” and fist bumping in the air at the nefarious things that can be accomplished behind a back as STUPID as yours (yours-being-mine); but you let it happen knowing the whole time who and what you’re dealing with … and you do this out of love. For if the deflation of a poofy ego is going to beef up my self worth for the space of an afternoon but not really do much good in the long run…who cares? What good is that? Doesn’t good prevail in the end anyway? Isn’t karma, queen … when you get down to tass bracks?
This is probably why I married who I did. Because Mike and I have been dealing with “who ME?!?!?!?!……..{cute simpering eyelash bat}” people for as long as we’ve known one another and can Spot the Fake from Lands Away.
So our stories ARE complicated but really they are about dying friendships and having to give up the luxury of our naïveté. It’s sad to be so wrong about myself and the effect I have on people and how my music in particular effects people and the Way Things Work. And I know Mike has felt this way about his own efforts with people before. It’s sad to want to give up. But both he and I are not give-up-py people.
I talked to Mike about this last night and I got a bit snuffaluffuguffy. I think I will always be sensitive and I will always be a dumb little Xondorian who is prone to getting her hair dyed pink and who finds out about reality at the last second. Far too late. WAY after everyone else does.
If this makes me stupid, so be it. I know that I still have a tendency to love and to care too much and to buy into things and to Over-Hope and that I’ll probably cry again. Lots. I’ll cry about this for a long time.
I over invest and I over share and I over hope. I’m not independent and I’m not all that strong and I need lots of help.
But I survive after being burned each and every time.
I INVENTED that $#%^
And really, I am a glass half exploded person. I have love, and I have support. People are catching on, and bothering, and getting it. I just don’t choose to see it because it is risky and I don’t want to lose it if I believe it. I think if I relax into genuine admiration and something that is nice that it will vanish! And then … hurt. I see a comparable career I like and I start to make strides toward it and I second guess every step I make in the right direction. There has to be some OTHER reason for the success. Because I’m damaged. It can’t just be because I’ve worked hard and am a professional. And I can’t live like this anymore. Too much drama….I’m getting too old for this fomtroolery……
Perhaps I shall travel again; and meet some of my new fans some day. Then after I have met these four to eight mysterious people, I shall go home and make mac-n-cheese. Haha. Just kidding, of course!
I am very grateful for them. I am thinking that in the next couple years that I WILL start playing again. It may be start-stop once again, like always. I may meet another person who overwhelms me and promises help and friendship and to take the burdens away only to become dependent upon them and only to have them leave me with pieces left undone and questions about what I do next left unanswered in my mind. But this happens to me and honestly it is part of my artistic process; I’ve come to understand. A cycle of need, cooperation, indulgence, over-involvement, light-betrayal, and then separation. And the I dramatize things (or am painted as doing such!) and go on alone.
Then, years later, when I am free, the past comes back to knock upon my door. And of course I don’t recognize it. I smell it and it’s been marked by its own oddness so I cannot let it in. That’s how things work. All I can do is try my best to be gracious because I truly do not understand how some people actually believe that time stops in rooms that are left in the past behind shut doors – as if animation suspends in a vintage past like an instagram photo…..
I am thankful for my husband, and not afraid or ashamed of the chances we have taken or the honesty we have experienced or the trust we’ve put in one another. It’s been rewarded. When most others have turned away, it’s been rewarded. And he tells me who knows? things could work out for me and we could still succeed despite our wildest expectations at all we want to do!!!
We are VERY lucky that we drink good coffee.
#damnthisblogisemo …..
so…
I just made a “like” page on facebook for this blog, and I’m going to say “hey, come see this blog” sometimes when I make lists over there.
This happened because I decided that my way of seeing things and my opinion matters, and that it’s important that I be heard. We live in a world that is pretty vindictive and vengeful and cruel. If I don’t try to put my light in where I can, I’m going to feel fester-y and grow bitter and dark.
I am nervous, because part of me thinks “oh, this can’t possibly go well.” This is the part of me that has already grown bitter and dark and does not want to forgive. It is the part of me that has been living in secret and feels ashamed and lets myself be walked on; allowing little daily hypocricies to pile up around me until I want to scream. This is how people go crazy and this is how people become destructive of themselves and others. This is how people repeat patterns and why things go in cycles over and over. Because there really is nothing new under the sun. If a thing is happened once and is not learned from and Grown Up out of … assuredly, it will happen again. And again. And again.
I would like to avoid fates like these. I would like to be a positive influence where I can.
Sadly, I find myself here and now looking back at a couple of people and situations in my life thinking that I have NO influence and that I didn’t make any kind of dent. That I was not seen or heard. That nothing I brought to these relationships enriched or taught anything and that these people will go away from their time with me and continue to unleash their destructivity upon the unsuspecting populace in their continual patterned way. This makes me sad. I was no different than anyone else they encountered. I was no great guru. I brought no spiritual light into anyone’s life.
And this is my calling really, to bring spirituality into people’s lives. This is one of the reasons that I hate being and getting sick. I hate that it makes me lose time and productivity and communication skills … and I hate that it gives people an excuse not to live up to their end of their part of the relationship that they had with me. And that after things fall apart I see the relationships they go on to have experiencing troubles that maybe would have been lessened if a lesson could have been learned, karmically with me.
Perhaps I am giving myself too much credit. But if I do not earn any respect as a person and I am seen as a pain in the ass and a petulant child then what is to be done really?
I guess I perhaps am being both aggrandizing and too hard on myself. I think perhaps I am giving myself too much credit. In some of these cases, I can’t get past the mere fact that I am a woman – there is no way I can get respect of character because in order to be taken seriously I would have to be a man (THAT is a long story I have told little bits of in blog form).
We are not going to talk about religion today … or that Man / Woman thing. Perhaps later. That is a long conversation and I’ve had to sit for years with things just to be able to think of things so that someday I could write about it accurately and with … balance. Because I want to do it right, and not run amok with it. That is not how I do things. I have always been taught to hold my peace and bide my time, which is why I have always found it curious that I have a reputation for flying off the handle and being so emotional. I am effusive, yes…
But I do restrain, and quite a bit. If I share my thoughts with you, I care very deeply. And if I feel threatened, of course, as anyone does when they get threatened – I withdraw. Don’t we all?
The fact that I mentioned that I went to church on Facebook, and that I called it “church” is kind of a big deal. I may have offended several groups of people just mentioning religion, mentioning it in a mainstream way, and placing myself in involvement with it in a vague and non-time-specific fashion; giving no honor or commitment to it either way. I only gave it mention, and thusly answer no questions and confirm nothing to anyone unless they know something of me. It’s one of those things that… well … you’d have to speak directly to me, probably in person, with a frank conversation to get a handle on my thought process. That type of talking… well … some of which I’m willing to do. And some of which, I’m not. Some of which would take a while. It’s hard to sort through this in my head. I’ve edited this entry a lot already.
I should have written a list… *sigh*
Few people can or would make a Long-Talky-Time kind of investment in another human being for a Just For Talking’s Sake. Trust me. It’s true. Usually there is More To It#ahem …
There’s not a god, godess, or disciple in the world that has that kind of time for my kind of BS. And that has been tested and proved in committee, unfortunately.
night, folks. for now.
