I had a real nice birthday yesterday. Kinda..bittersweet.
I’ve had a rough year, but I’ve come a long way. I feel like a totally different person. If you go back 2 years, I’m not even recognizable. My whole body has changed, even. For the better? I don’t know. Some may not think so. I’m okay with myself. I’m harder now. I’ve lost some of myself.
I’m a LOT smarter, even though perhaps I am not as quick.
I’m not as impulsive. I let things go. I don’t feel the need to talk about what is bothering me or hurting me. If there is nothing to be done about a situation or if something isn’t worth it, it’s best to let it go.
I don’t believe in signs or fate or destiny anymore. That’s just crap that people say to get their way. I have learned not to get too attached to anything. I’m in a project right now that sounds fantastic. We’ve discussed this. We’ve discussed the feelings of needing that security blanket of awesomeness. The phrase “don’t get too used to it.” came up.
I am of course extremely attached now, by a chain of fondness and respect, to the project. I feel pro and cherished somehow – not snowed. I remember a band I was in in my 20s; and I’m thinking that maybe I could make something like that now. It’s as if I’m slipping into a warm bath of possibility. When you are super young – or else waylaid by strong personalities; you can’t get your point across to get heard.
It’s nice to feel casual. Nice to be heard. I remember feeling expressive and powerful and sexy again. All of a sudden I have lyrics pouring out of me.
My latest song, my husband thought it was fantastic. And that was a solo. There’s things I’d change. But I’m getting back to that place I’d thought was gone. I never intended to lose myself, to stop believing in me.
I had so many people come check in and show their support and love for me yesterday. I guess I have not been doing so badly. I have kept a toe in and my head afloat, even while sinking underneath the water in a stormy sea.
I’ve grabbed a hand (a few, actually!) and it’s okay to do that because even though I’m not a strong swimmer, I know that I CAN swim too; as well as take help when I’m tired and sad and alone and it comes my way.
It’s okay to get out of the water if you ever make it to shore. I like to watch from the sand. I don’t want to drown. Especially not in a bad metaphor :)