same thing. but better.

1. I discovered today, yet again, that I am not normal.
2. I discovered this because I wanted to hold up a hand and say, hypothetically to another person that is not really Talking to Me because they are a part of my Fake Life that is the Internet
3. ASIDE: I’m sorry to be like that. It’s just weird, sometimes, this box I live in. If you are not interacting with someone though, it’s so easy to just pretend that they have green, scaly skin and fourteen eyeballs. There’s no telling what their real opinions are. It’s easy to see that this is the case because sometimes the things that people think I believe and do are ludicrous.
4. BACK ON TASK: On Not Being Normal. This discovery was made because of my music. There’s a coverfight up that is a sidefight for Songfight!
5. There’s a lot of fighting in that sentence! It seems like an easy thing, to take exception to all that… but I’m actually pretty pleased with it. It’s keeping me sane and happy right now.
6. The new fight is up. I’m only in Psychotics this week and did not do a DJ tune. Last week I think I got robbed. I’m only saying that because I wrote a really good song and I didn’t even make the 20s though. The amount of people who pay genuine attention to me has plummeted however, so this is not really a surprise to me. If I want some fan-ness back I’m going to have to hustle a little bit myself, I think.
7. I’m probably going to make google pages and maybe the rest for this new band, because it’s looking to be about that time. This is our 12th song out. We are now working on 2 others. When they are completed that will be the most music I have ever completed in a band before. I guess I am doing something right Yay me!
8. I am trying to embrace my “sound.” I think for the past year or so, I have tried too hard to be “normal.” I’m not a Normal musician. I am a person who makes strange noises in her tunes and writes in a Chanty way like in the Cupcake song and also stuff like Anna’s Gerbil. Why should I start doing what’s expected of me now? Why should I do the same things over and over. Let alone what everyone else is doing? I don’t want a normal life. That’s not me.
9. I think that’s why I run screaming from anything that pours a bucket of cold water over my sense of adventure or being in the thick of things. And this year has been hard on that. I’ve felt so … erased. It’s hard, being sick. But I’m feeling so much better and am ready for mischief again.

why shouldn’t i get up to no good? it’s in my nature to be that way. so I’m going to stick to what I know. it’s what I’m good at. going back to basics. back to the beginning.

10. once again, this involves stuff that looks boring (practicing, organizing, putting things in organized rows, blahblahblah); but is actually quite revolutionary because it allows me to have absolutely no concern about doing anything but moving in an Only Forward Way on my Own Trajectory. Plus, I will FINALLY get things DONE! This is the sort of fire that Rebellious, Loyal-to-the-Self-Thinking will light under the CORE of a person; rather than continuing a dim hope for a thin beam of shallow illumination from unreliable temporary-passers-by.
11. this all sounds good in theory. or like just a bunch of words strung together with punctuation marks. i’d rather get to somewhere with more purpose, honestly.

ramble-ramble.

in conclusion, I have fantastic hair:

sitting around

1. not feeling bloggy, still
2. I have gotten my to-do lists in order. I am SO VERY COMPLEEEEETLY CHEEZEPLEEZED by this.
3. I have a lot of recording that I need to be doing; and my improvement curve has reached a worm shaped plateau. I don’t know what that means exactly, but it points to something non-improve-y
4. This deserves its own line:

I REALLY STRONGLY DISLIKE when people snap at, or are snippy with me. I’m almost forty now. I haven’t been a teenager for a long time. If there’s anything I have learned from some of my boundary-less interactions with people over the last year or so; it’s that I won’t be snipped at anymore.

I’ll fight back. And then I’ll make space.

5. The weather has been strange here. I can’t quite figure it out. It’s Mynock-like. Or at least, space-slugardly.
6. I can’t decide if I am particular about chins or not. I am about my own, but I don’t know if I am judge-y about other people’s. I think I’m going to say “no.”
7. I’m too sleepy for this blog right now. I want to put a picture in because this blog is boring. I don’t know if that’s true, but I’m kind of bored. Flarg.

I like mayonnaise, and I refuse to apologize when I want extra. So yeah, it’s been THAT kind of day. I need to comb my hair like an adult, probably; and make some other adult decisions.

Thanksgiving approaches.

goodbyes

I had a real nice birthday yesterday. Kinda..bittersweet.
I’ve had a rough year, but I’ve come a long way. I feel like a totally different person. If you go back 2 years, I’m not even recognizable. My whole body has changed, even. For the better? I don’t know. Some may not think so. I’m okay with myself. I’m harder now. I’ve lost some of myself.

I’m a LOT smarter, even though perhaps I am not as quick.

I’m not as impulsive. I let things go. I don’t feel the need to talk about what is bothering me or hurting me. If there is nothing to be done about a situation or if something isn’t worth it, it’s best to let it go.

I don’t believe in signs or fate or destiny anymore. That’s just crap that people say to get their way. I have learned not to get too attached to anything. I’m in a project right now that sounds fantastic. We’ve discussed this. We’ve discussed the feelings of needing that security blanket of awesomeness. The phrase “don’t get too used to it.” came up.

I am of course extremely attached now, by a chain of fondness and respect, to the project. I feel pro and cherished somehow – not snowed. I remember a band I was in in my 20s; and I’m thinking that maybe I could make something like that now. It’s as if I’m slipping into a warm bath of possibility. When you are super young – or else waylaid by strong personalities; you can’t get your point across to get heard.

It’s nice to feel casual. Nice to be heard. I remember feeling expressive and powerful and sexy again. All of a sudden I have lyrics pouring out of me.

My latest song, my husband thought it was fantastic. And that was a solo. There’s things I’d change. But I’m getting back to that place I’d thought was gone. I never intended to lose myself, to stop believing in me.

I had so many people come check in and show their support and love for me yesterday. I guess I have not been doing so badly. I have kept a toe in and my head afloat, even while sinking underneath the water in a stormy sea.

I’ve grabbed a hand (a few, actually!) and it’s okay to do that because even though I’m not a strong swimmer, I know that I CAN swim too; as well as take help when I’m tired and sad and alone and it comes my way.

It’s okay to get out of the water if you ever make it to shore. I like to watch from the sand. I don’t want to drown. Especially not in a bad metaphor

another timely note to self

1. you say it in a song. then you face the facts. turn around. greet the new day. because it’s the current one. you’re just missing it.
2. not everything is the same thing. but not everything is the safe thing.
3. two wrongs never make a right. three probably don’t either. one right definitely makes one a right though, doesn’t it?
4. being cryptic and mysterious is awesome. because it is cryptic. and mysterious. this is how people get capes. and tete-a-tetes. and hors de overures. which you cannot spell.
5. writing in BS-person-point of view is really difficult; but one must do these things if one wants to be Proficient in Grammar, doesn’t one?
6. It’s time to set limits and keep them. There is a time to push boundaries and a time to sit down at your desk and follow the rules and do your homework. It’s Good Girl time.

And I do think I want something sweet after dinner tonight because I have more work to do! fun work! YAY!

tied up tight enough

I haven’t had a lot to say for a couple days. I’ve had a lot to process internally. It’s a big week next week and I want to do it right.

It’s really interesting when you’ve been kidding yourself. I really have come to understand the term ‘beating a dead horse’ a LOT in the past few months. Really it’s an embarrassing thing to do, and it makes you tired and sweaty and cry-y.

It’s hard to cry; and to want different people to be there for you than have chosen for yourself. When you’ve grown used to crucial parts of your support system that have collapsed, it’s easy to forget the people who do love you and who are there.

These people are gifts and treasures and make life easy and will ultimately help me succeed. This is really why I’m alive.

Often, people behave exactly as expected. I want to expect better – but they disappoint. But sometimes, a person will rise to the occasion and it will be someone surprising, someone special.

These are helpful days. They help you not to create situations for yourself. They help you break patterns. They help you form new alliances and new beginnings. They help you move on.

To concentrate on the important things…

Most important, they help you stop thinking about all the things you have lost. Which is a real blessing.

1. well. I have accomplished none of my lofty goals from entries past.
2. I have not blogged in days.
3. I have learned that it is, indeed possible, to get iPad cramp,
4. I have written some truly pathetic lyrics because some perfectly good lyrics were given the big “phbhbhbt” in reviews. I know better than this. This is what happened in Song Fu 6; and is why we have a schmoopy rain song rather than an epic work of electronic glory.
5. All songs which have been given the ugly duckling have gone on to get their wings and go quack-quack. My duck has not been fooled into believing it is a chicken. It is going back to flight school. It’s graduating!
6. Actually my duck graduated a long time ago, but apparently there’s a bar in the Bermuda Triangle that serves Grey Goose and my duck is there hanging out with questionable birds, drinking dirty martinis and ruffling feathers
7. My metaphors honk
8. My foot itches.
9. My hair is complaining. I will wash it tomorrow.
10. I might start blogging about something important as well. I do have a list of things and people to focus on, other than myself…

sheesh