1. I feel really grossed out today. Really confused and inarticulate. Like I just haven’t gotten it and like I cannot really win. I know it’ll pass, and that the answer to these feelings is really to not think too deeply on things. I know this. But I really just let stuff GET to me.
2. The new songfight title is ‘Occupy My Heart.’ I don’t know how it’s really going to go. But I know that DJ Ranger Den will be doing it this time and I have already written something. I think it might could stand a bridge so I don’t know. Will I get back to my old way of not showing my stuff around before fights? Who knows these things?
3. I have had a headache every day and feel a little queasy. This happens around this time and I haven’t really been tracking my moods as I know I should. I’ve been trying to be a little more diligent about self-care.
4. Zonks. This is the most boring blog in the history of man-or-woman-kind.
5. I could sure use a picture of a sheepdog to spice things up a little bit. I don’t know why I said that. I used to have sheepdogs as pets when I was younger.
6. There’s an Ed Hardy lighter with a fish on it on the table out here. I’m drinking hibiscus mint tea and I have to sneeze. These thoughts are only related if this means something to YOU.
7. There is no seven.
8. Eight is the number of getting stuff done so I am going to go work on organizing my music files. Oh goodie. goodie. gumdroppage.
9. My wind chimes are pretty. This makes me Gladdish. Yep.
10.
That is me knocking back honey straight from the bear so I could record vocals for the fight-before-last. Everyone should use honey in this way. It was not this fight, which some people think we sound weird in and some people really like.
11. My tummy also hurts. Wow. I guess I really DO know how to whine and be miserable, huh??? That doesn’t make fish have feet just because some people say they do though, now does it? 
12. I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore cuz ouch-whine, so whateverlybrothers …
Archive for October, 2011
1. still getting messed with. still not cool. grrrr.
2. people continue to act in a tacky fashion and don’t get it. grrrr.
3. some people do get me though. And I am grateful
4. I feel happy and special sometimes.
5. I should always feel like I’m worth the effort, I think. I need to keep that in my head. I was once called “incomparable.” Sometimes these things don’t stick of course, but they should stick in your own mind always.
1. No more drama.
2. Today the computer gets cleaned.
3. Today I’m finishing the B section of the Rach.
4. I do get to eat that taco. That’s a given though.
5. I do need more coffee. And some air.
6. This house needs picking up
7. I am leaving town this weekend
8. I don’t have a lot of flowery or funny things to say.
HERE! Another blog RIGHT AWAY from the likes of ME! You are terribly excited. You have been waiting with shark-bait-breath. Yep. The excitement is SWELLING in you NOW!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA.
1. so. it continues to be a good weekend. i’m actually getting a lot of planning done. hard head work.
2. The Killers is a good band, actually, I think.
3. I am starting to get into music again. I have been listening to *my* music, and it is rejuvenating me. Lots.
4. The cylon and I will soon reach an understanding and come to a resting point in negotiations. Many files will be put in a hard drive, and that hard drive will be put off to the side.
5. I am SO excited because I’m going to leap up onto another plateau. I know that sounds really weird, because usually it’s a steady climb up a slope of a ladder. For me it is a series of plateaus. And when I get to the end of one of them I have grown really really tired of it.
6. This plateau has lasted about six or so more months than it should have, but I really need to forgive myself for this. When you don’t have all the information you need – plus you are sick – you have to cut yourself a little slack.
7. When I “level up,” to use a phrase that you kids have been teaching me … I think this time I am going to have to learn to play more. Not take things so seriously. Not have things so set in stone. Not have rules that hold so hard and fast. To be a little more flexible. To be a little more fearless. To *own* my risks a lot more so that when they totally backfire I can say “ha-ha” and not boo-hoo. Because before I protected myself from all risk. And now it is tempting to say “see, this is why I did that! I TOLD you so! All Cretans ARE liars!” 
8. I make a lot of Grand Proclamations about what I am going to do, and then I end up eating a lot of Blueberry Waffles and procrastinating about my plans.
Well, tough tilapia, people! I am a creative soul who is easily bored. I will probably continue to play football at the hyperbowl – angry as all get out when the other team wins and takes the shiny pretty trophy away from me. Because it seems that I can never really WIN *Anything!*
9. Oh dear sweet Raddicchio. They’re playing ‘Patience’ by GNR on the loudspeaker at the hotel bar. I think I’d probably die if I had to perform the whistle-part to that in public. I’d never make it through. I can tell you that the rest of the clientele where we are probably do not feel all that turned on by my Axl Rose impersonation. Even though I think it is TERRIBLY thrilling. And Spot On. I am SOOOO serious about that. I have it DOWN.
10. Today, if you are reading this and you liked it, you should tell your 3 closest friends about it. They are currently TOTALLY being deprived of Me.
(yeah, I’m a nut. But if you were here I’d give you a hug. Or do my Axl-impersonation for you. Hey… where are you going? Would you like a jaunty business card??????? HEY!!!)
I am having a good weekend.
This is because I *needed* to have a good weekend. I am a grody-to-the-max-y’all, greasy creature-in-mourning. I am just as emo as I ever was. It’s totally true!
I don’t have to tell you that though…
I am easy to distract from my work, now.
Once I read a book, called Stephen Pressfield’s ‘The War of Art.’ I know I have blogged about this in various places before. Someone talked about this at the blogathon. My ears pricked right up… oh yay!, I thought. It’s a sign!!! and then promptly forgot all my motivations as some crisis-y like thing came up to distract me once again from my work and I stared letting other people’s crap take over space in my cerebrum.
I am a caring soul, looking for distractions. But I’m reading back posts in my blog and I used to be self-absorbed (in a good way!) and funny. I think this is because I used to read books and practice and play video games and amuse my own damn self. I didn’t require anyone else to amuse me and I certainly thought there was something wrong with YOU if you didn’t require ME to amuse YOU. I had gotten to that beautiful point in my life where you needed to lobby for my attention and if I thought you were worth my time I’d hang and we’d be buds.
But I was nice about it. It didn’t sound like it does as it reads. It was basically something that is in short supply in a lot of people’s lives these days. And it’s a real fleeting thing for me. It’s self-worth. It goes away when I allow people to talk mean to me, or ignore me, or just … anything where you get that ice-cream-sick feeling in your stomach.
It’s easy to let go on self-care. Once I had a bad breakup, in college and I didn’t clean out the trunk of my car. It actually rotted out because I let some sandwich die in there or something. I realize this is gross, and you are probably going to go off and look for the blog of someone else who is not completely vile-ing you out … maybe go read about adding flour to sugar to make pretty deserts and cuddling by a warm fire in fuzzy slippers and trendy Ikea furniture or something. Johnny-Depp-and-the-Lord only knows I would rather read that blog. especially since I haven’t baked in a long time and it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas since my crazy-ass husband just ADMITTED that he listened to a Christmas song this week and liked it and all that.
I looked at him and said
… wait. This isn’t a list is it? Oh crap.
Well, I was going to talk about Christmas songs, and earliness, and betrayal, and all that, but we are on vacation, and it is romantic and all that.
No, I don’t care if we are sweet and you want to validate us with “awwww, that’s so nice.” We’re NOT cute. We’re NINJAS and can BEAT YOU UP. We’re SO MUCH COOLER than everyone we know that it is astounding. We’re like the Gods of Bacon of something.
By the way, the Film Festival that is going on down here is ridiculous. Silly, silly hipsters!
love always and for-blever…
Denise who is moi
ps. there is a songfight up. the Billy and the Psychotics entry is me and it is VERY strange-u-lous
pps. Paula Deen just showed up here. Dude! It’s like a sign or something! #cupcakesfromthelord
1. I want to build a musical treehouse.
2. I’m in the cleanup and gather resources phase. I have the rest of the month to do it
3. It makes sense to start next month because that month is my birthday. And that booky McBookBook thing.
4. I want to get something out for myself this year.
5. It’s going to be tough. I know what happens when you start to grow something. I have to make sacrifices. I have to learn new vocabulary.
6. Everything I do from now on must either feed or complement this. Even stuff I do for other people.
7. It is going to be interesting to see who is on my committee of people who are for me. Of people who stick. I remember once the entire thing got wiped out almost completely and I hope I am not meant to learn this lesson again.
Because being abandoned sucks and is too hard to take on repeat.
You have to re-find your friends. People who love you. The sticky people. The people who live with you in your goopy sandwich and are not going anywhere. You pick these people. You have and show a little bit of your ugly to them. They know your worst and hover just on the edges, repelled. But they stay. They never left.
I am having trouble being a lone gunman I guess because I form relationships and yet I detest them. I don’t like to give the hard parts in them. Lately, I’ve been doing what comes easy. It’s easy to sit here and admit I don’t have any control from behind a High Wall.
If I kept some promises and stopped being afraid and scared maybe I would Not lose everything. And if I stood alone at the end of a road of good work I would at least have myself.
If I push enter and say I’m going to start/finish the work I’ve been avoiding, that’s a big deal. I’ve been sflurking around. I’m actually at rock bottom now, in bed. Ive been here before. I was this before I came back online and stayed except for that small bit of time.
I need another little bit of time.
I can have it, but I have to work. I don’t know what it will look like and I don’t know if working will tame the monster-y rarrrrr thing that sabotages everything I have inside.
because it’s Ouch….there’s a lot of it. Years of it…for many reasons. I’m an avoider.
I have never gone through a record of life and bothered to explain anything. I’ve had episodal behaviors and ranted.
I kept a diary for a while which turned into a livejournal which turned into a disorganized blog.
I have put off My Project for long enough. Five Years.
Yep.
I Definitely have more material now.
1. This is a Self Defense List
2. I am being freaky.
3. I am enjoying a Cabaiguan
4. Pandora has ads
5. My room is a mess.
6. Brazilian is a gorgeous language to sing in
7. I intellectually know what to do to get everything I want in life, but there is a mushy and creepy little thing inside me that sometimes makes everything I do stupid. She cares only for neediness and thinks the world is made only of whining and pajamas and chocolate cake and guiltless orgasms and smoking and running late and not returning phone calls and indolence and underwear and Not Showering. She will not sing and squints into the darkness growling. She’s not that sexy but if you let her out of the cave with your mean promises, Industrious Me will shut down and Stupid Her will take over. This is because Discretionary Me is off somewhere with Invisible Me and I cannot find them this year because someone sold my Responsibility Potion to a traveling Monkey Circus. Damn Them. I am trying to catch up to them. I think they are in the city of Adulthood. Mayor Real is there and sometimes he is nice to me and sometimes he isn’t.
I will go play these human games for a while and try not to be such a homesick little creature for Xondor, I spoze. How boring.
8. Today this involves tagging my blog, which is the most boring thing ever invented in all of boringland.
9. I cannot get control of the core center of my life. This is kind of an ongoing up-and-down-up-and-down problem.
10. It’s not long until November.
There is no direction
no preparation
and I am not quite sure how to respond
to nothing -
a sentence hanging,
a letter unsigned,
a poem deliberately unrhymed
mind codes deliberately
laid for play..
So, how to say it?
..convey a clutching for the breathing
with a sudden screaming,
with a slamming on of brakes
I dream I’m drowning
so I go back to poetry -
words that were there at the beginning
They are tiny shells and glass
In plastic buckets now
and I need a floatation device,
not happy-childish art supplies
I make a castle anyway -
perhaps the tide will only make it
glisten with the wet;
not drown it dragged away
Perhaps we will
withstand the sea
(you are the ocean god, you know!)
…with your salty waves, your beach
I hold out my offering
(in fantasy, X marks the spot!);
but in the real world
devoid of these metaphors
the map is seen as sillier than a simile;
more useless than a hackneyed likeness
in a maudlin poem might be
I am not sure how to respond
to your cutting
quickly
to the chase -
to the slipply-slop dissmisal
the judgment of my days of honeyed waste
…or to the lingering tastes,
or the way you turn away
with the haste one might pursue a flat grey train,
bound to a destination where toil is
underpaid.
well folks it is time to cheerfully admit moral defeat again in the form of a rousing list!!! Aren’t you ka-pleezed?! Cuz I’yam. And afterward, I’m gonna tag this tasty little strudel!* Just WATCH!**
1. The Happy-Go-Lucky traveling musicians of the Lunar Hotel Trashing Variety have once again darkened our door and there is really no use denying it.
2. I am afraid that I am the estrogen bomb of Songfight, the scourge of Twitter, the bane of blogging, the F#^€youPal Fairy of Facebook, the Ghoul of Google…. the lame list lingers…..
This week I have mostly been sullenly stabbing at my new, ironically pink-clad iPad(hay-that-rhymes-and-HEY-is-for-hor-SES!!!)
3. Once again I am an oily speckled creature one might better find desperately clinging in an ill-fitting suit to a junior high gymnasium wall; dotted and pasty face turned from the spinning disco ball- ears resolutly clamped shut to the strains of ‘Take My Breath Away…’
okay … I could have just said I’d developed a nasty goiter-looking thing and that I bet no one would dance with me today *either..* but who’s counting and who cares.
4. I’m not even going to get into the Other Epic Symptoms that were recorded by scientists because of their gut-wrenching severity.
Also, it will be a low of 40something tonight. FARENHEIT!! For a Texan this is quite Brisk! I shall not complain one iota!
My fingers are kinda cold tho and I could use some hot cocoa…. {sniffle}
*******************
*tag fail
**as IF. oooppps I SO am the Lying Princess of LIES!!!!
1. throat hurts
2. head hurts
3. eyes stingy
4. My Hand? … I’m just relieved to have two functioning ones..
5. I am a little tired of having this same nightmare over and over again
6. this time my legs ached when I woke up, and my foot burned. This is because in my dream it got bit off by some fish or something. Or just.. Something random happened and I was meant to just start bumping into stuff while drowning in the dark at night this time; having random body parts grazed or bitten off.
7. The ship was so much closer now but I can’t look at it. It’s some kind of beautiful fancy dress party.
I realize I was still wearing one shoe and a vest and a white sundress and that I have lost my necklaces and looking down to check for my watch and bracelets… my entire left hand is bitten away as well.
I think I woke up then. Losing hands is too much for my brain. I could lose anything but a hand, I think. That probably sounds selfish. I ran into a guy without a hand at the taco place the other day. I always want to throw up when I see something like that, which makes me feel guilty because I am projecting myself all over them. They are human, and coping with a trait..a body fact – just like I would.
I only *think* I would die. I only *think* I would stop breathing.
I do wonder if I would waste away a little bit though. It’s a scary thought and I’m going back to sleep.
Sheesh..
