i’m a loser baby, so why don’tcha kill me…

when you are a weak person in many ways, what do you do?

what do you do when you are easily distracted, when you have problems and there are things that get to you? when you can’t handle your anger and you are so consumed sometimes that you can’t really solve your problems and are distracted from what you have to do?

in my experience, denying the problem and trying to live with it in a calm fashion as though it does not exist doesn’t really help. reducing a mountain down to a small dot is not really possible. it is not possible to play hopscotch over Mount Everest.

It is possible, however, to move back home and admit that you are not a mountain climber and that it is more appropriate to play hopscotch on your driveway. It’s easier to navigate a bit of a slope, or a flat surface if you have grown up and moved away from your childhood home in this ridiculous metaphor.

It’s important to know that you don’t really have a duty to anyone but yourself. In a way, you almost don’t really have a duty to your family – no, not even your children. Your duty to your children is to remain sane for them so if they drive you crazy figure out what to do within your limitations so that you can be there for them in the way that is appropriate for your situation. I had a discussion with a good mom once and that was the conclusion that was arrived at. I’m not a mom – so that sounded good to me. It seemed like an appropriate way to apply boundaries.

If you’re a weak-boundaried person, perhaps you are NOT weak. Maybe it’s like a muscle. Maybe you shouldn’t be tasked to carry such a heavy load. Maybe it’s not really your problem. Maybe you should only ask yourself to deal with what you can deal with at the time you can deal with it.

I myself think that I have been dealing, emotionally, with too much. I have been taking on responsibilities, emotionally, that are not mine. I have been adopting roles that I should not have to play. I have not been enjoying liberties that I should get to indulge in. I often suffer in secret silence. I do not talk about being sick very much, and take time to myself to heal. I do not discuss rejection, because I am too proud. I suffer the proximity of those who have hurt me, and I have done this all my life. I should be allowed to apply distance and not have to show up when I think that doing so would shame me.

I’d like to hear an honest speech of defeat, and if I were a politician, I would give one. I don’t know what I would call my political party – and that is a subject for a far denser blog anyhow that I’m going to have to grow a different Sort of Courage to write; which will take time – but the tone of my speech would contain:

1. I worked REALLY hard to get here and I sunk ALL my hopes into this race.
2. I have very little agreement with my opponent and am feeling pretty jealous and bitter right now. Giving this speech is hard and it’s hard not to cry. I’ll do all I can to help, of course, and I will be as nice as pie and try to be gracious – but damn! I’d like to kick the proverbial rock and sure pout a little bit!
3. If at all possible and if I have the strength, I’m going to keep trying to achieve my goals.
4. It sure is embarrassing to lose when you try so hard.
5. All the mean things that people said about me hurt my feelings, because I like validation as much as the next guy. It’s really HARD to turn the other cheek.
6. “huh, huh. I said cheek…hehehehehe” {no, I wouldn’t say that. this is probably why I wouldn’t entertain a career in politics though. i am a child}
7. There’s lots of other stuff I’d probably say about my honest feelings. I’d try to put myself in the best light possible of course, but I might be honest about needing to get what I want.

Point is, for a while, I’d go away to lick my wounds, and not hang around the white house, or the mansion, or the place of office, or whatever – and torture myself while all the Fun was going down. Because I don’t think I’d be able to plan my next attack very effectively.

That’s just really not how I roll. I’m quite the sore loser.

Kick a rock.

let den eat cake but not for dinner

1. The Internet sure can get to you if you don’t step out and go play a pretty grand piano – or get some fresh air.
2. I think I’ve got my eyes on a gig I want.
3. I don’t usually want to go to places, but it IS like me to fall in love with pianos.
5. It’s not too far-fetched to think I could teach myself to play more interesting parts. I think the key is doing more with less. Duality Cupcake went really well last time I played it.
6. Got a couple really late things I’m working on tomorrow; and will be thru the weekend.
7. I’ve scraped the dirt off my schedule and hopefully my routine/lack thereof so I should be getting stuff done now.

I highly recommend this activity; just ditching your dead-end pursuits. There’s some battles that ain’t worth the fight. The one for your sanity though, is always worth both fight and/or retreat.

8. one more bed-thought? Cake. Not a good idea for dinner with my Tea-With-Creatures. Tummy hurts!! (Kombucha. A fungus among’us ): and I’m supposed to be the princess of dessert and all that! Guess I should know better.
9. Both the songs I played Monday were dessert songs! And I coulda played one more. Later I showed Heather one of BLT & my songs we cowrote for the Psychotics thing and she caught my cake reference
Maybe I’m not done with food metaphors yet. Not if I want restaurant gigs, at least

Bored but Amused … :)

1. I am trying to learn the piano part to Cloud-Cuckoo-Land that I did at songfight a while back and Couch Kitty thinks that the birds are real. SILLY!
2. The kitties do not have blogs. Neither does Flappy. I have ALL kinds of alarms going off right now. It’s going to drive me bonkers. One of them is a duck. I can’t get rid of this duck which tells me to take my pills in the morning. Sadly, this goes with the song I am trying to learn and really truly DOES make me feel as though I am sortakinda living in a mental institution.
3. I am really proud of the song I just did for the sidefight over at songfight-already-linked. Sometimes they do sidefights over there. Mine’s good though and it’s called Shoot Through It. [later edit: fixed link, and may also edit vocal and levels, and call in some consultation on this one ]
I might do a video for it but I think that is a real laugh and a half because here is the list of things I am DYING to have videos for:

-Vest Factory
-Bluebeard’s Lament (I’ve written this thing out)
-Beatrice Knifetongue (I’ve got this sucker all storyboarded in my head)
-Stranded
-To The End of the World (I’ve got this all plotted out too… unfortunately it’s about someplace I don’t know anything about so whaddayagonnado?!?)
-Invisible Girl (don’t QUITE have this thought out, but I have a couple really romantic shots in my mind all thought of. This would be pretty freaking cool)

That’s a lot of videos. Two Duality ones. Gosh.

Dude. I’m tired. Dang Musica- Stage-Performers-of-a-Medieval-Persuasion that come through here every few weeks to trash Hotel Luna. Grrrr.
{rest of paragraphage redacted. sheesh. because nobody wants to KNOW, do they really?}

4. Why oh why does coffee get so cold so quickly when it is stupid hot outside. Yes. I know that I am inside and so is my coffee. This is a rhetorical question. Fleh.

5. My timer went off telling me it’s time to get off the computer and practice. See you fine folks later.
6. Stay tuned for later this week when Den learns to TAG HER POSTS!!!!! {sharply indrawn BREATH}

Monday List

1. This cat will not stop trying to get into the trash can. I am getting really annoyed.
2. I’m on a popcorn kick again.
3. I wanted to try to write an angry blog today about general anger, rather than turning anger inwards; because that’s not healthy.
4. I am doing a remix of my Circle of Titles song.
5. I did not get a songfight song done for the prompt ‘Ashes’ today. I am just fine with this. I need a bit of a break.
6. Cat has been distracted by a box within a box. It’s like having small children, although I am sure that anyone with small children would completely thump me for saying that and has a total right to do so.
7. Things I don’t know jack about:
-having small children
-pregnancy and labor
-divorce (actually, that’s a lie… but I haven’t gotten divorced)
-complex mathematics
-the serious ins and outs of copyright law
-how to play cricket
-how to fix cars
-crocheting and sewing
-carpentry, basic or otherwise
-swordplay
-torture with needles
-the Ming dynasty
-the economy and banking
-piracy (like “on the high seas”)
-gun lore
-gin rummy or Most Other Card Games
-the list goes on
8. I might like curries. I’m willing to give them another try.
9. Popcorn REALLY does get totally stuck in your teeth.
10. I’m really not digging the Cherry Coke Zero. Oh Whale.

To No-One in Particular…

The world is a rough place, and if we hold in our venting for months and months and lie in front of doors allowing people to wipe their boots on us saying “yes sir” and “why certainly, ma’am” – eventually we are going to mildly feel like Drinking Bleach and people are going to wonder who that quiet person who exploded in the back row was. Don’t let this happen to you. Boundaries are Good Things. And I think that we are living in a time where it’s just considered Not Cool to throw hissy fits or get uppity when your boundaries are crossed. You are told to be honest, but you are expected to do it in a “cool” way. A “smart” way. A “clever and sexy” way. Just saying “no, and get the hell out of my face – you have run amok in the shadows for long enough, you sad sack of an excuse for a person,” is not really considered the cool thing to do. It makes you seem a little psycho. A little reactionary.

Damn. Who IS that person. Why do they have their PANTIES in *SUCH* a TWIST!!! {mmmm. mmm. MMMM!}
DAMN! She.. ANGRY!!!! {funny little slight mocking sideways – get-the-hell-away-from-the-psycho look}

Well. say you just like to live your life, and the last thing you remember about your childhood was your feeble protests of “but… but… HE/SHE started it!!!” while the bully got away with stuff and the whole class laughed at you while you got punished for getting caught standing up for your own dumb ass.

Really, it’s a tough-ass world, and nothing has changed. It’s just a bigger playground and we are pretending that we are not just adults who like to kick dirt on one another’s shoes… that it doesn’t feel damn good to conquer and win. Or at least look Important, Clever, and Smart. Put Together and Cool. Like Water off a Ducks Back. Nothing really effects us. Nope. No vulnerability here!

So..
1. If you can’t say something constructive don’t say anything at all.
2. If you’re going to say something destructive, do it with artistry and make some effort with it; thereby making it constructive.
3. Give yourself points if you have a thick skin and then take your thick skin and surround yourself with kind but honest people.
4. It’s not self-indulgent to hang out with people who actually give a rat’s ass.
5. If you can’t be bothered to say anything at all, ever, don’t pretend to take the bother to say anything just because you happen to want something sometimes. It’s tacky.
6. If you’re going to be negative and judge-y; don’t be self-righteous about other people. No. Not ever. No. Not even then. Just stop making comments about ANY other people, and THEN you can tell other people what they SHOULD and SHOULD NOT do or say.

Stop being gross and disgusting – and bleeding with your ick into other people’s personal space if you’re doing it. Just stop. Now.

This is to no one in particular. Oh. Unless you feel guilty. Then, even if I don’t know you – it’s to you, of course.

No, omg, I’m totally kidding!

I totally wrote this to be funny. I’m having an AWESOME day!!!
ha, ha, ha!!!

Feel free to slide slowly away along the way acting like you don’t know me and like you NEVER get so angry you want to murder people, and are QUITE resentful that you have to act like you are at the fanciest cocktail party in Christendom as your blood rises to a boil.

A Stinking Pit of Stupid

Today’s List-y Pep Talk to Me and Whoever Else Needs to Hear It.

1. You do not owe anyone anything. That thing in your body is YOUR spleen. You do not have to sell it to anyone and you CERTAINLY do not have to give it away for free. You are not even required to check in and explain.
2. sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you look up and see that there is a tiny skylight and you can crawl out of the stinking pit of STUPID that you landed yourself in.
3. if you are in a stinking pit of STUPID, then it is your own damn fault.
4. if you happen to be in the pit, that does not mean that YOU, yourself, are stupid. You’ve just lowered your common denominator. Smart yourself right up on outta there! You’re better than this!
5. We all make choices. If you are lucky, you have chosen stupidity. Thusly, it is not a permanent station… So chose smart. Right now.

Here is your exit. A big blinking sign, honeypie.

E – X – I – T

6. don’t think about the bugs on the walls down the pit of stupid. bugs are sent down to bug you. they can’t hurt you. buzz them off.
7. B O U N D A R I E S.
8. You do not owe anyone anything. No. Stop rationalizing. Seriously. The breath that you just took. You own that. It’s yours. Take another. Also yours. Yeah. Do it again. Feels nice. Keep right on going.

Don’t look back.

People who don’t give you the time of day do not deserve your time. And people who lie, slander, gossip, or otherwise gloss right over your existence in some icky way –

Not Your Problem.

Adios, MoFo.

Some people only say a couple intelligent things in all their lives. Unfortunately, usually not in context. Oh, whale.

nightnight

1. I put one of my songs on a facebook comment (or two!!) today to make a political point, so I’m writing a Story of a Song blog about it. It’s taking AGES!
2. #BASHH (Big Ass Social Happy Hour) was really a good time. I got my
Twitter bling from JenHeartsArt

I’m quite pleased!
3. It was sorta funny tho because Jen was saying after she gave me my replacement Duality237 necklace that at Blogathon this year she thinks that we should try to get Joe my duo guy to eat a taco on a live stream. Like we’d send him good tortillas and everything, somehow… or some chorizo or something. The whole table got concerned, trying to construct ingredients for this mythical taco he’s meant to have. He’s famous for writing in the taco blog that ImtheQ started for a bit about never having had one! So we talked about how we’d ship something awesome over like that to him …I haven’t the foggiest… but from what I know of him he’ll have to be chaperoned thru his first actual salsa experience. He once posted a photo of a burrito. I told that story tonight.
4. In other news, unfortunately before I went to BASHH, I think I bashed my butt. I was doing something and I’m just gonna not even bother to explain. I fell into the bathtub. HARD. Across my hip. The wrong way. I have a huge swelly bruise,

I’m kinda starting to stiffen up and hurt pretty bad. I’m glad I got thru the evening. I’m pretty sure it was the pills I took. No wonder I’m so dang sleepy!!!

I woke Mike up just so he could see the bruise! Aren’t I mean?!

PS EDIT. Billy and the Psychotics (that would be me cowriting and singing with Billy’s Little Trip) are doing really well in the reviews at songfight. For a weird title song! Also pleased about that!

PPS. Also I forgot to tell you that I … reconnected with an old friend. He started this alumni band thing. That’s been… entertaining. More later…

Cleaning Update

1. My legs hurt. Clearly I am too, too old to clean. I need magic Cleaning Creatures. Somebody call Mr. Clean. Does he know them? That bald guy on the cleaning product bottles?
2. I’m not talking about the Brawny guy, they changed him. The Brawny guy used to be hot! Now he is all pudly looking (if you are the Brawny guy and one of My Adoring Public I am so SORRY! Perhaps you took a bad photograph! Or woke up on the wrong side of your blue ox..? It happens to the best of us…)

Anyway, THAT was a sad day for Den in the paper towel aisle!!!
3. I FOUND MONEY!!!!!!! While cleaning!

I’M USING THAT MONEY…

TO PURCHASE TACOS!!!

SOON.

I also found
a. my baby book
b. poetry (read elsewhere on interwebs in vain attempt not to offend as it is slightly sweary and yet profound and of Artistic Merit)
c. tiny Australian flags
d. wonderful pre-edit lyrics in Hard Copy
e. an elementary school recorder
f. Slipper socks
g. a book of Mad Libs…..

EMPTY!!!
(we’ll be having fun with this later, y’all)

h. embarrassing photos of my old band, Anchorheads
i. tickets to Steamboat where Anchorheads played with people who have actual Music Careers now. Not that I don’t. Or won’t. Or can’t. Any way. I am SURE that these *ahem* GIGGING MUSICIANS are not currently in possession of
j. Aussie Flag Deely-Bobber Antannae with one Flag missing which I bought to surprise husband with for Australia day.
k. Mardi Gras beads which were acquired in a Responsible and Sober fashion. (I am not being Captain Sarcasmo here!!!)
l. Bunny Ears which are fuzzy
m. My SIGG bottle!
n. a weird ass chicken toy which I have already tweeted about
o. several Snooty Soaps
p. Two extremely special CDs
q. A pink guitar pick
r. an entire conga drum
s. a power puff girl sock
t. Pearl S. Buck’s ‘The Good Earth’
u. My Duality237 shirt with circle logo
v. a cow
w. an electric tea kettle
x. angry monster finger puppets which are green and blue, and one little lamb one that is eating grass and is crocheted or something.
y. A complicated boat toy I made from a Kinder Surprise.
z. A box full of WRITING UTENSILS!!!!

(which is ALSO pretty money!!)

Okay, ’nuff stalling

when life gives you spam…

Cheap Hotels

I just found a blog comment that did NOT get through my spam folder. I was looking at my blog stats. I am an attention whore. Blog stats are very interesting. They reveal so much. The point of this blog is merely to say, that when more than eight people visit my blog, I get really excited – whatever the reason. And for the most part, people were actually visiting my blog because I had been pointed to by someone who was impressed by my potential and possible / current awesomeness. So that was kinda ROCK!

Of course, I am easily distracted, so I noticed an insightful and Spamalicious comment left on a whiny post from last July, left by ‘Cheap Hotels.’ Do I erase this comment? hmm?

No!!!!

Why not make spam into lemonade?! Or silliness (such as this post) into an Interrobang?! Because spam is nasty and spam-o-nade should be banned before it’s planned? Well, there’s something to it… but we here at Den Enterprises think a frown turned upside down is fine as long as it is not on a clown. It is also a thought on the songfight boards that spama-ramma-dingdongs leave good song challenges lying around. All that rhymed, so perhaps I should record NOWly, although I do not Technically Want to right now as I am Mentally Exhausted.

(although I have to, because Jon Eric has a side challenge. Hmmm.)

Anyway, Señor Tete-a-tete (a word I remembered I knew just this weekend, and which is very French and Seductive) Hotel-o-tron; has has provided me with a stirring list of Band Names, Future Song and Album Titles, Contest Ideas, I-Am-Stumped-what-the-#$*%^-do-I-Write, What Shall I Name My Planet, Random Concept; many other and sundry Ideas:

1. Study Point Tradition Attitude
2. Shake Only Length Result
3. Somewhat Friend
4. Egg Tree [possible favorite]
5. Industrial Acid Bedroom
6. Largely Himself
7. Aircraft Competition Series
8. Gentleman Strange Manager [this sounds like a nefarious Character!!!]
9. Rather Short Future
10.Something Few Illustrate

And a good mini-paragraph / shortstory-if-you-will; which could mean something bad, OR good, and which I have chosen to twist to my pro-woman purposes … being as this weekend I was wearing an empire wasted sundress which my Helpful Mike-e-a-valian husband neglected to inform me revealeth blue yonder undies. *sigh*

12. “Consider shape, woman! Arrange your middle equally. Release to street …

…Review intention!”

And skipping number That Dreaded Number, in honor of an also suspicious new collaborator of mine since I’ve got all kindsa freaky stuff going on this weekend and am not spending the recording time I’d like on stuff as I sit here and stress-release-blog.

#14. National Issue Elsewhere.

15. I like fives, so we’ll end with:
“Priority Management. Payment Reading Request.

(this is probably because I am trying to think about incorporating this blog into a website somehow, and taking this writing thing up a notch, and incorporating my music into it somehow, and taking THAT up a notch. It’s been a heady weekend. Lotsa spinning gears)

_yep.

ps. as an aside, anyone who knows the ACTUAL name of the thing that I call the Ghostbuster Sign Thingy?  -that circle with the line thingy that Dude made of ectoplasm is kinda half-hanging out of, and you give it to me – shiny D-xets for you! Pronounced (DUCK-IT’s). It’s like money. From Xondor. It buys you chocolate. From Squirk. And such things to not come cheaply. It’s hard to get chocolate flown in from my corner of the universe.

Sisters and Wolves

My friend Joe Lamb wrote a book and I edited it for him. It’s about werewolves, and it is Quite well written and a Very good read. Although disturbing.

As an aside, I actually brought up a scene of this book, since I am so familiar with it now; in the erotic writing seminar I took with Harmony Eichsteadt (I learned to spell her name since yesterday.. and will be correcting it in yesterday’s entry!) soonsoon!! We were talking about taboo writing topics. I will not spoil Joe’s book for you, but one of the reasons I was so taken with it is because of the interesting way in which he deals with the shadow side of the self. Not many people dare. I try to do that with lyrics and poetry and I am working on other things too that I am hopefully developing with some bravery.

Yesterday we talked about having a responsibility to speak, if one is an artist. I feel as though I have a responsibility to love and to speak about it; since I have a capacity in my heart to do so.

Yesterday was a very full, up-and-down day. Still processing.

I still don’t quite know how lots of it will sort out! More from me later.