I have a new internet friend from Dundee who is a blogger. She just became exposed to “memes” and I had the honor of being tagged in the one she posted on her blog today, along with my songwriting partner, Joe and someone I don’t know with a pretty blog I won’t link to because that’s creepy.
Here are the questions. If you feel an interest in answering then please do so in my comments section. originally we were meant to tag three people – but anyone who reads is free to participate here. I support blogging – and new bloggers and their blogging. My friend’s blog is really lovely and fun. She takes great photos.
I will try to answer as forthcomingly as possible, tho’ I am very secretive.
Three names I go by: Den, Denni, Ranger (are some of my names)
Three places I’ve lived: Austin, Oklahoma (I was very little), Galveston
Three places I’ve worked: Habana House cigar shop, all over the place as a piano accompanist, at a drugstore (pharmacy, chemist, whatever…)
Three things I love to watch: old videos of concert pianists, movies people think I should see, scenery out a passenger window while in a car.
Three places I have been and love: this question is too big! places that make me feel safe and wonderful. we’ll say that.
Three people that email me regularly: i get a lot of email and its hard to filter through.
Three things I love to eat: tacos, mac’n'cheese, pie
Three people I think will respond: i am just asking generally, for comments in my comments section; could be anyone.
Three things I am looking forward to: 1)feeling better. 2)my dreams and wishes coming true. 3)being happy.
Now for the best bit, I get to tag three people, so:
I’m psyched out. I think that’s why I feel like I’m in a kind of production block and I think that’s why I’m not completing projects. Maybe the piano tuning would help. i have a lovely list of things that i’ve finished and i’m going to check one off tonight before I go to bed (hence, all the blogs).
I can’t really go into it fully. It’s a whole book’s worth of stuff that is really hard to explain. It’s a hard thing. I don’t know if “fault” is the right way to say it. I don’t know if I’m cut out of musician cloth.
I went through this twice before. Once was when my band broke up and there was really no one to talk about it. I sat with all my lyrics spread out in front of me and my ex band members who would still hang around with me talked about what a writer I was.
It was a sad time, because it was one of those transition times. My husband says it’s when you suddenly leap up to the next level. He talked about it hurting when you make a transition. He put it better than that, of course. He went exactly where he was supposed to in the conversation – wavelength-wise. As usual, he made me understand and put pieces in that I was missing. I was afraid before and now I’m not. I understand that I have no control. I get it … life. What will be will be. But I am not afraid. How can I be when I am who I am? I have been uncertain many times this year. I have been tentative and it has cost me career-stuff. Now I am not going to be. I will hold on. Tightly. I have no control but I have always had confidence in my right to take up the spaces I am supposed to be in.
I need things I can rely on. This time it is my brain that is deserting me and I feel very lost and alone. Everything is uncertain and up in the air. I Cannot Rely on Anything to work cerebrally so I wait for everything to fall apart as it has before. It is certainly playing out that way.
Loyalty is a big deal to me right now. Loyalty, love, patience, stability.
Probably also breathing and sleeping would be a good idea.
Here is a list I started a while ago, but it’s relevant today, so I changed some stuff and out it goes.
1. Duality is on for two more days over at Geeky Pleasures. I’ve triple-quadruple sexdaduple blogged about it, so there we go. There’s links all up and down this particular blog thang’s main page. I think there’s even one for Geeky Pleasures.
2. If you are a artifictioner, there’s some other lists there.
3. I’m going through a transition phase. I’ve written two sets of song lyrics about it. One was really good. But I think the second one REALLY shines. Too bad my computer is a mess, and I have only put out the song about the insane asylum which fit neatly into a song contest Prompt (more on that later)
3-and-a-half. This is not That Blog about That.
4. I think I just reached a break-through in organization.
5. I’m disappointed though. I wanted to upload an old track that I didn’t realize was finished, even though it’s not finished. Except that it is finished. Or not. Lots of “Ack” on this one.
6. I learned over the past couple of days that just because I am a Xondorian; this does not mean that I am not a person. I’m complicated and require effort. I guess I’m “weird,” which has been discussed before. I’m okay with this. But it’s tough to sustain the attention span for that.
7. I have been thinking much about outlook this week. How I should feel and how I should be. I don’t like the word “should.” I like the word “me.” I know there is a word “is;” that it “is what it is.” Nobody really knows what’s going on. I think too much about these things. But what if I decided to be okay? I think when I expect the best, it shouldn’t really that laughable. I know that I said reality doesn’t respect desire … but reality is a thing to be pushed through and moved off to the side and shoved and said excuse me to – like passengers on a train, or water, or wheat. It’s malleable. It’s not a wall you can’t climb or a box you can’t get out of. If your reality is a bucket and your people are lobsters pulling you down… well I’m not sure what the exit strategy is for that. I did it once and it was messed up! What I DO remember about that though is that you can’t FORCE other lobsters to come with you if you are determined to “level up.” you can extend your hand, or remain linked with your team, or just whatever it is you do. But you can’t FORCE people on board with you. It’s just not possible.
Water CAN actually move uphill, but it takes effort and is expensive. Ultimately, you have to decide if a Thing is Worth the Trouble; or if it’s Trouble at all or a Pleasure. Is the water going to look very pretty moving uphill, like at a beautiful fountain at a restaurant? something really nice?
You have to decide if you love it.
I want to evolve.
8. All my projects are about the same thing right now. I’m at that comfortable place where I’d do these things if I wasn’t getting paid, which is good because I’m not. I am a lucky little thing to have these luxuries. I know that there’s a trade off too, and that I am extremely UNlucky with the lottery ticket I got for so many other things. It could so easily be that I could have no resources and MUCH trouble. And the trouble I would have with no resources would be mighty. Sometimes, I do give myself credit and think that perhaps alone I COULD find my way out of a paper bag, as I did once long ago. Sorta.
It’s also BAD because I’m not getting paid though – because I SHOULD be, because I’m good at what I do. I would rather not do aspects of what I do TO get paid that make me too sick to my stomach to have leftovers for what I love. I have to look at everything with a critical eye. Is the money worth it, are the people worth it, will I level up (this is actually important and a real concern – and it’s not realistic not to look at things this way because access to inner rooms is Useful and Important)? Is it a pain in the ass?
Do I love it?
9. Sometimes if you love something it must take a back seat to these other practical things. Your duty calls. Of course, at some point there is health to consider. Are you killing your own soul? If you have given up practicing the piano because you are too busy managing your social networking because there’s too much crap on your desktop; does this make your soul hurt? Can you do some juggling? (the answer is yes, I learned at an Extremely Useful blogging convention which made me stop thinking of the Internet as an Evil Time-sucking waste… but as a reality we can mold ourselves and put limits and boundaries to; because it is a Real World). I invested about two days of my time into really UTILIZING the lists of twitter, and into creating Facebook filters. Now I’ve cut my time in half and can zero in what I’m spending time on and why.
After all, life is tick-ticking away… and each minute I do something unpleasant is another win for some “The Man” in the sky or in The Pantry of Time or the weirdos sitting on the Lobster Jury back at the Pooliard School of Crustacean Music. #thatwasbad #ihashtaggedablog
10. I am still not good at this yet. The clearing of my mind will make this better. I will get smarter and more organized about where things should go. Already, clutter is falling off. I’m deleting things like mad and it feels really good. There are still uncertainties, but I have a Trustable Gut.
11. I wonder if any of the lobsters ever loved their way out of the bucket. Because any time I do anything with Heart, that’s when I get somewhere. It may not be where I was aiming, but it’s to another level of some kind.
12. There has been synchronicity all around. People have been reminding me that there are patterns and signs and that my feelings are valid and true and real. And that it’s okay. And that I’ll be okay. I am not a problem.
I went out on a sudden and unexpected date with my husband because we needed to talk. Upon my return, I started thinking of Valentine’s Day, and remembered a post half written. I finished it and dolled it up tonight. It was a promise to a friend.
I have a lot of those I need to come through on in the next couple months.
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It’s a common thing you hear from bitter folks who either don’t want to spend money on Feb 13th, overworked waitspersons getting lousy tips because of the high incidence of restaurant drama, or other single people who look at you as if you are the one who instigated their last eight breakups with your fourth finger poison ring.
“Valentines Day is a day made up by a greeting card company to sell schmoopy stuff to the lovelorn” … or whatever. “The Hallmark Greeting Card company made it up …”
Stuff like that.
My husband and I don’t celebrate it. We had one picnic, one time, packed a little hamper and a bottle of Verve Clicquot and cheeses and stuff you’d get when you were in Napa when you go to that little grocer with the Rabbit on the sign before you drive out. We were very Upper Middle Class Countryside. We looked like we were doing a holiday the RIGHT way. I had done the correct prep as a wife; like something out of Real Simple magazine. I ROCKED. I was Beyond Reproach. Be very jealous, the string quartet reminded everyone.
Back in the real world, I had done what is known as “marrying well.” I married for love, but he liked computers (and me). The WHOLE WORLD likes computers though, and people who know stuff about computers get paid. Meanwhile, in Austin, you can’t throw a rock without hitting a songwriter, and even though I have heaps of theoretically marketable skills – I market myself about like this:
“hey, see this booger? it’s gonna play a show tonight. it doesn’t really feel like singing, but you’d be real surprised at the work it’s done lately. plus.. it’s a singing BOOGER. That’s got to count for something, right? I mean.. no one wants to LOOK at a booger… ” {trails off apologetically}
So it’s a good thing that I have a husband (you know, for the Marketable Skills – plus, his accent, although dwindling, amuses me), but other musicians in Austin are not so lucky and must do things like sling coffee, or secretarial skills, or their boobs, or computer skills (sling ‘em if you’ve got em!) around.
I used to sling cigars, but that got to be complex for many reasons. Also husband enjoys cigars and having his wife sell them to him in his place of leisure is sorta lame. It rocked though. As much as jobs that aren’t me writing or playing music do and can.
Because the people were interesting, and I have no interest in staying at home, waiting for the next Hallmark Holliday to roll around so I can get my kiss from K.
Anyway, back to hallmark.
My marriage is good, and fun, and has lots of Perks that are not just about being able to not toss and turn wondering where the next two squares of ramen are coming from. But there are things that are not so much fun. We have to deal with:
1. I get sick a lot
2. being very private people and the joys and sometimes scrutinies this brings/has brought to our relationships
3. the inequity of having a marriage where one person feels completely and totally financially superfluous- because it’s true
4. hearing THAT PHRASE
“ooooooo … must be nice…”
The phrase “must be nice” could actually be collectively applied to everyone who lives here – from shore to shore. Actually, I’m not even really sure if that’s true. If you are currently reading this and you have a knife at your throat and are being raped… first of all, what the hell? Why are you reading my blog at a time like this? I never knew I had such a dedicated reader! I REALLY DO need to stop all this bitching! Is there anything I can do to help YOU!?
So it’s all relative, really, to the people in the other countries I forgot to mention because I was distracted by my hypothetical almost-maybe-rape-victim-reader who I don’t know how to help because I am too busy complaining about my problems. (that was horrible. but you get my point here… apologies for my bluntness.
I’m having First World Problems.)
Now. Comparing.
We have a RIGHT to complain about our problems. I’m sorry, but we do. Anytime we feel bad or scared or cold or depressed – I’m sorry folks, but that’s real.
We used to attend a church and we went and did some missonary work. For three months our lives became completely simplified (so we thought, that is another story). We had only what we carried with us in backpacks. We started to leave STUFF behind and give things away. There was very little bathing and eating dwindled down to a thing you did to get energy. Good yummy tastes were really poignant. A blessing.
This was before 9/11, so no one was looking at Americans with open hostility. I felt, loved. Cherished. My sister-in-law and a close guy friend of mine went to Egypt while my husband and another guy went to Jordan and while we were there in a weird part of town .. I felt something. I felt this curiosity. From one person.
I did not discuss this with anyone. There was a language barrier. But I felt as though there was this KNOWING that our lives were very complicated. That we had a bunch of CRAP to sort through. That where life was simpler, life could be lived more simply. And I don’t know much, but I know that things are CERTAINLY not that way in America.
I am not going to go into that thing where I start in on us and get on my soapbox about our pills and our therapists. I think every society should have access to medical care and doctors and professionals.
WARNING: This is rated PG-13 to R for language, but is a FANTASTIC video… and has a GREAT message.
Back to the concept though. Of these “First World Problems”
No. Life is not always nice. My week has not been fine. My LIFE has not been fine. It’s been circumstantially blessed though. And this I know. I have lost quite a bit in the last year or two, and a whole lot in the last four years – but many people go through these hits, it’s part of life. Humans the world over grieve. My cousin works in the medical field and she was talking about some of the devastating things that she sees. Yes. This did inspire me to be better.
But dying women think of chocolate and coffee. And dying men talk about loves lost and found. And all you can do is connect with people and be on the same side.
A good friend of mine that I respect and for all practical purposes, it’s look like I’ve blown him off for other things – wrote a song. He’s written several amazing songs. But this is one of my top two favorites. It’s actually CALLED ‘First World Problems.’
I owe him a Watermelon Video. I haven’t forgotten. That’s not a first world problem, but it’s a first world solution.
That, and some lists, and a better attitude and a good honest assessment of my real human problems – with some time to grieve them as I do my work and shy from wallowing; is a start.
Thanks Travis.
“don’t mean to sound ungrateful Everyone will need to forgive me But do we ever stop merely surviving And actually start living…
(the cartoon is from Gary Larsen’s ‘Far Side’ comic series; and was copied from a blog. It is most likely NOT in the public domain, so I encourage you to go to your bookstore or amazon or someplace like that and buy as many books by this artist as you possibly can because he is a genius.)
1. First off, people who buy MULTIPLE albums from my bandcamp and also manage to make super nicehappy LISTy things whilst they do it get many appreciative smiles and make my mood very nice. So YAY!
I’ll just say, getting attention like that from my music site for me in that way at this time has meant so much. I’ve been down and have felt like the only person in the world.. Like a pesky annoying little flea. I’ve got hard times now and still ahead and this is a perk. It makes me feel like I can accomplish my goals!
2. You know though … my albums are free ….. btw… if you wanted….
(I think they made me make the cake album that for the donatey button)
(Hey, I said whilst, and I’m an American! ….)
3. I am still doing well in songfight. I just got really nailed in one of the reviews by a critique. It was RIGHT on point. He talked about my song development.. direction. He also mentioned Courtney Love and Tori Amos in the same sentence. I just nodded and smiled.
Some people feel I am fine as I am, and some feel I am still needing to construct a vocal style. I guess this is what I’m doing. Whoever is reading and listening is my proto-fan base.. and they will hear me grow up. In Rock Star years I am really like a teenager, even though I am getting to be an old woman..
I feel as though if I just conquer the feeling of shy dependency and fear.. I can walk through the world in my oblivious distraction again. I have a right to be here. Walking around like I own the place.. not asking permission.
4. Soon you wont even know I’m old! Its almost HAIR DAY!!!
5. I often wonder why certain songs get the “uunnnh. eeeh..” In this case, the lack of development could have done it. Or me the artist falling out of favor because of a style change. I’ve been noticing my style change since Spintunes. I honestly don’t know what a Den song is anymore. But I also never really thought of myself in nicknames either. Not till Denni, which is not a music name it’s a writing name. It’s a wife name. A friend name. My duality-reality.. and I don’t mean like my band. I mean like why I wrote ‘Why.’ The reasons we named the band Duality. It’s because we are dual-natured. It’s not two halves making a whole.. it’s two wholes presenting an invitation into a wormhole to usher the listener to a journey of light, of love. We find our completeness in our lightness.. and our darkness. I guess you need help and a little conflict and back-and-forth to do that.
6. I think I am finding allies in strange places. There is definitely congruence in the air.
7. I think social networking might be distracting me again though…
It’s eating time!!
This blog is SOOOOOO disjointed!!!
I am DJ Ranger Den, and I went and posted songfight reviews. If you vote – vote for all the ones you like.
I have to wait to vote, because someone already did from my house!
Anyway here’s my reviews!
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DISCLAIMER:
I am a goober that should not be writing reviews. I’m not saying anything bad about myself, this is just simple Fact. I feel wracked with guilt and I hate to criticize. I enjoy listening to all the songs and I feel like you are all my people. Even though I am quiet and don’t really “know” anyone. I lurk all the time (a lot of times not signing in!)… and I usually write lyrics and sometimes songs and don’t get them in on time (for most every fight). Since I feel like I’m not really giving back – here goes nothing. I hope that these aren’t too horrid because this community has been just really great!
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*The Chadderandom Abyss
There’s an aspect of this that reminds me of Primus. I think if things had been balanced perfectly in a spatial way, your strange decisions would have come across and made your point more successfully. Your uses of pause and silence could come across better with a step up the production ladder. I of course am all too familiar with increasing effectiveness of your message with better production, so what can I say. I lost your point a bit, but did not dislike, as I enjoy the experimental.
*Johnny Cashpoint
I was drawn in immediately. I wanted your backup vocals to be softer. Your lyrics were catchy and your steel drums were fun. The synthy-horn thing poked out a little bit in the middle, but when the solo comes in it’s happy yay time. It was a little distorty for me at the end. I like anyone who is successful with drums – as I can’t seem to get my #$^ together on that front.
*Darkroom
Neato rap thing! Well produced with all the right robotty noises and synthy things. For some reason it didn’t melt my butter. It was uber catchy though. With really nifty effects. I’m gonna listen to it some more. I probably wanted some handclaps near the end because I am a dork who is completely inappropriate, and should not be writing these reviews.
*The Panna Cotta Army
Awesometoast! Your snare sounds amazing and this is hooky as hell. Your chord progression is awesome. The layering and vocal effects and turnarounds are all great and this is highly coverable. I don’t really have anything bad to say, although I would have had that synth poke out at a slightly lower level at the end. That’s just a matter of personal taste though and didn’t detract in any way.
*Fitzroy
oh my! lyrics… cute, buteek, eek! this is tight and I really like the way the drums sound! Ended abruptly. I really like your vocal. Like a LOT. I would say that you have a sexy voice but that’s horribly forward of me. This is the kind of “punkesque” vocal I dig on though (I SO should not write reviews……)
Very garage-y (durrr), but sounds a lot better than any of my garage-y recordings ever ever did!
*James Owens
The instrumental felt too distorty to me. I can’t decide how I feel about your vocal.. I spent a lot of time wondering what effect I would put on it. I really enjoyed your bridge. Especially the stops and rhythm changes. Oh, and I’m one of those people that thinks a flute in a song is WIN. This was interesting and creative with nice lyrics. It kinda went on.. (wow, I’m a little hypocritical here…) The organ-out at the end was worth the wait thru.
*lalabrookie
your vocal – mmmmmmm…. I wanted another instrument in the mix though. It’s probably because your voice sounds very sophisticated to me and there is just a simple guitar in a drone pattern (which fits the song, and subject; as does the percussion). Maybe a violin or woodwind instrument, even a sample of some kind? Harmonies were nice. I liked the picking and the tone of the guitar. Pleasant surprise when the high vox came in, but it didn’t fulfill my need for more instrumentation. I’d love to arrange this and throw a cello or viola in there. It’s groovy (i sound pretentious).
*Cabbage Stare
(I am predisposed to like your song because you have the most bitchin’ band name. I have not pressed play).
I did turn it down because I thought you were trying to kill me. Funnily enough, as soon as the vocal came in, all my alarms for ‘April Fools Day’ came right on at the stroke of midnight. Your song perhaps came across as more effective than it should, because of this? I don’t know. But you have a voice perfect for this type of mind-%&*$#%… and I can’t talk because of this one instrumental I alienated everyone with in a contest once. Gerbil-paw of approval. I will listen again though, probably in the dark through monitors with a lava lamp. Well played, Cabbage, well played.
*Schlimminy Cricket
this sounds like it should be at the end of a movie. or an episode of weeds. lyrics wow. chord progression great. development is great with the bell-like percussion stuff. Very professional. Way into this. It would be good for closing credit stuff because it goes on a tad too long (again, I’m a hypocrite; or need to go to bed.). Something else could have been thrown in and the song wouldn’t have suffered. Or maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about, and it is just fine as is.
**DJ Ranger Den, who is me
(disclaimer, because I know about this song… I know why I did things).
1. the typing is a bit alienating, and I’m surprising you didn’t get cracked for this more than just by Travis. You’ll have to blog.
2. Stop being lazy. If you’re going to record vocals in the closet, put a mic in the closet. You live in a damn recording studio!
3. It needs another instrument. Like a cello or something. Because it gets boring. The gong work gets arbitrary and smashy near the end. It’s got potential but you’ll have to recut the vocal (shame, it’s a good performance – see if you can pull it off again!) and develop it more.
GOOD song though, can you do it a couple more times in a row around here?
4. Bridge? WTH? No one can understand that! You’ll have to use a different effect or recut the rhythm on that vocal.
(thank you for indulging this self-criticism. {ninja bow})
*Die Toten Schlagohosen
this rules. it makes me want to dance. this is a robot song of high caliber and I’m going to be singing that little phrase tomorrow. The bass is devastating. this is the cutest thing ever. A tad simplistic perhaps, maybe it’s the theme song for the hell which santa’s elves go to if they don’t do Toys well enough. That’s what I’m going with. Normally, I’d roll my eyes at anything smacking of panflute (which is Satan’s ukelele).. but this is brilliantly applied, inspiring even.
*Paco del Stinko
this is the one where I REALLY heard the lyrics the most. Where I felt the subject.
“you don’t get the sleeves, but you do get the rest…”
best line of the whole contest. The guitar arpeggio was a bit high for me, The guitar solo, was a bit ROCK for me though… The bridge was really cool and then got WEIRD, but you held on, man. Last chord progression was tasty like jalepeño. urn!
Fun-tastic round.
I did it.
Ack.
Denise who is,
DJ Ranger Den
ps. I’m posting this before I chicken out, and go back and write only compliments.
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1. I’m scared today. today smells bad. like it won’t end well. or start good.
2. I have an uneasy relationship with musicals. I don’t have a “musicals” voice. maybe the whole thing is that I’m really not easy
2. I am thinking of doing songfight. I have a song for it, but I am STILL waffling about it.
3. I’m going to San Antonio again today. My family has been supportive and awesome and wonderful and full of surprises.
4. I’m at another point again where I’m getting REALLY frustrated with online life. Except that it’s REALLY good for keeping in touch with my family and longtime, IRL friends that I’ve known for-forever.
5. I’m not sure where the bottom of the pool is anymore. I think I’m drowning.
6. The music thing is flowing over my head and I’m too short to tread. I need to find a place to stand soon, get my bearings, and figure out a smart plan. Stupidity is what leads to statements like – “this has happened before” and “I should have known better than to” and “but I thought that it was going to be like…”
7. I have been walking around in a daze thinking that everything was okay. Time is passing me by and I have got to act in order to produce reaction. This is a fundamental law. Um… DUH.
8. So Back to the Drawing Board. To finish. I’m going to do some piano working again. And bury myself in piano making until things are done right and proper and until I am satisfied with things. Because I have a feeling that it’s going to be another 2008.
Which was a great year for talent. It’s what got me where I am today. Which is good enough to know I’m better than this thing I am. Which is waiting for nothing to happen to me.
I realize that there were a couple repeated numbers. I do NOT care. ARANKAAHAH!
1. i am very thankful for mine.
2. i am very, VERY thankful to be allowed into the lives of some others that I am quite close to. it’s not easy, and it’s a huge gift and i know this.
3. i am rather sad. it’s so hard to explain. so blessed in so many ways. but we lost an amazing person today and it’s been a rough few months.
4. there have been so many, many lives lost around the world.
5. the closer a life is to you, the more its loss seems to mean. if it is far away, and one has a certain way, one could almost snuff out a life.. if one had certain qualities. You think these kind of thoughts when you are going through a loss. Things distill down to the special-ness of your group, your tribe, your home. And you stop thinking about disaster, and tragedy, and war. And it doesn’t matter that it’s selfish. Because it’s not. It wouldn’t matter how. Every life is sacred, so no mourning is trivial or selfish. All should mourn in appropriate degree, in whatever way suits them.
6. i have a set of folks close to me. i care about their lives. i care about their gains; their losses. So deeply.
… we keep on living or we don’t. but we do. maybe. maybe definitely.
who’s to say? i said some things to my person. and they were good things. and i feel good. i feel good about my mom. i feel good about the people around me. i feel hopeful about the future. i usually have a lot of fear. i still feel it there, inside me.. but i know where to turn and what questions to ask and that certain things are going to stick like glue.
I feel that I can sleep easily. Sometimes I don’t, and sometimes I do.
But I do feel watched over, if not by something mysterious – at least I know by people who love me. Who there are lots of. And weirdly, you know this when you lose someone.
1. I need to pay more attention to the things that are going on around me. My eyeballs are always looking at my shoes. Metaphorically and literally. This is good sometimes but also not really. I need to be okay with being interested in my here-and-now.
2. Things have been really odd around here, leading up to and during SXSW. I am not involved in South-by. I think I was MEANT to do something this week…
3. There’s a list of things that I don’t want to talk about. I’ll just REFER to them. They’re stressing me out.
-a situation that is out of my control goes on and on and I don’t know how to manage it well
-i can’t quite get a grasp of how to articulate my own goals, and I think I’m over-thinking things
-i believe i have lost what I once had because of this last few months bout of being sick; and some bad decisions on my part. I should have at least tried to keep practicing. I saw a flower today, but will the garden come back? I guess the only way to know is to try to get it back. Whine or work. What sounds more appealing.
-try again. i think i get forgotten about. i think this has happened more than once and i am getting a little tired of it. i’m being general here.
-i believe i’m in a place where i’ve also lost GROUND. i’m going to have to start over. not really, but sorta-kinda. i’m looking around and I’m not sure what is in my pouch of spells and weapons. Like in a role playing game or whatever – to be geeky or whatever. I’m not sure that I’m going into the next forest with the spells I need to defeat the Giant Wombat of Everlasting Doom. Maybe I used the spell on something stupid back in town at the tavern, on some gnome or something. Something I thought was important. Maybe I asked the wrong questions. Maybe I thought I had finished tasks and accomplished quests. Maybe I thought that cupcakes were the new little black dress. They are SO NOT. I think that people are eating cakes that are on lollipop sticks now. Watch … you’ll see it. It’ll be the new thing. We saw it at Starbucks.
4. I am going to have to accept that I am sometimes a bit negative and surly. This is just who I am. I’m grumpy. Oh well. I am also polite and shiny and loving and wonderful. So there’s a dual thing going there. I have always been a dual-natured creature. It’s why I like to wear bright and inappropriately contrasting colors and mis-matched socks. I am rather childish.
5. I don’t care. Immaturity is sometimes rather called for. PHBBHBHBHBHT!
6. My audience will find me. I will wait patiently for them and try Harder to produce content and Have Adventures.
I haven’t been very good about documenting my adventures lately. This is because I have been swallowed up in my own sad-sick and other people’s stuff. I will try to be better and people could maybe ride my wagon for a while. It’s not a bad thing. It’s a fun little train. I like it. there’s chocolate trees and candy stuff and I try to say important and amusing stuff sometimes-ish.
I will try to solve all my problems in a year, but I do realize that is what I say every year around this time when I get all melancholy. I plan for shows and albums and collaborations and great journeys and inner growth and transformations and tours and stuff that don’t come true.
This time I’ll keep my hopes up. so that if they’re dashed it won’t be my fault or for lack of trusting or trying.
my albums are free ….. btw… if you wanted….
….)
