Which one might you be
today?
What is it that
a disbelieving –
a present, fleeting, and entitled
world
might want this trinity
to say?
Are you the giggling
craziness
that the steady hands of youth finally
applied themselves to? –
that finally threaded needle …
Do you fail to see
that what you didn’t have the
wisdom to create within an unformed womb
was only threaded, taken from the skein by you …
you who cannot now foresee
your weaving’s doom?
Are you the conformed repository
of rounded wisdom? …
The mother, birthed of child
that wraps her truth up in a girdle
and then tries
to even and preserve
some length upon her children’s
flowing lines
Or does your countenance sag here
at the end of those last days;
even as with shaking talons
you must slice a life from day?
Do you sometimes wish your sisters
would not unravel some new life that
you – resolute – must then decide
to cut away?
Which one might you be
today?
Why is it that we must define
a triad of perspective in this way …
when every fruit within it’s time
knows it will swell to bursting,
wither,
and then die?
strange to think that one day
the checkerboard is one way
it looks the same. the team names are
the only things that change
I call red
Blood is easier to see
red looks more like me
black on white looks like
the enemy
but when the calculated jump
over my spot occurs
it’s twice as embarrassing
I justify this sting
with small, smug thinking
even though its just the same,
when I am king
I look like twice a taller queen
Maybe such silly fantasies
will help me take the board with ease;
for no one’s standing in the wings
to helpfully whisper strategy…
I’m writing something bigger, so I’m not really gonna get
into it. But we blog sometimes to express our anger. So this will
just be a little one. I’m laying down for a bit avoiding
painkillers because I don’t feel good and it takes me longer than a
normal person to heal. I have lots of stuff I’d like to be doing. I
remember when I was video-ing myself a lot. I have not completed a
song for over a week. Altho I wrote taco lyrics. I don’t know if
that counts though. I was looking at some Denise stuff thinking
“gee” .. and also looking at the Duality stuff because of the last
Spintunes. In the first Spintunes, it didn’t go so well for me, but
for some reason I’ve been able to shake it off and ‘Invisible Girl’
has become to some folks a ‘cupcake’ level identifier tune. I went
on to write more polished stuff after eliminations and cooler
reviews. I don’t think I was prepped for it to be such with
Duality. I think we handled ourselves well. I think we placed
ourselves in space as an entity and not a nebulous idea. My goal
was to take our place there as a thing. Not to be messed with. Like
Godz Poodlz. But that’s in the decisions of the participants. If we
disbanded Duality, I’m not sure there would be outcry. But the
trick to these things is not to care and that is what makes a band.
You have to have rules and understanding about that sort of thing.
I remember looking at Russ and Rhod once and thinkinking, whatever
else, they are a thing and they are going to decide what the next
Poodlz move is. And Russ is so good about that kind of thing. Maybe
I should give Joebrain his brain back, even though he never didn’t
have it. And by that I mean stop worrying that I’ve been made of
peanut butter upstairs. I think I worry because so many people are
disloyal and don’t stick and have been mean and abandon-y. Music is
fickle. I wish Duality had been better received by the judges and
everyone or whoever during that contest. I think I’m still sad
about that. But I guess we are not a contest band. Maybe we are a
sounds band. A heart band. A “see where it goes,” “does this FEEL
okay?” band. Maybe we are trying to do something we are not being
allowed to do or are not equipped for by ourselves. I thought of
singing some of our songs for the contest; but the songs wanted Joe
to say what they had to say. I needed to hear something inside the
parts. We didn’t do everything right, but we learned what we did
wrong. And we learned it fast. And I think it’s all going to be
okay. Feedback is good. But you have to be strong on the inside,
and not swallow any disbelief if you want to keep going on
something that you think might work for you. Even if it is just
there to make the rest of you work even more completely; better.
And this is my professional opinion. – Posted using BlogPress
from my iPhone
I’m at the doctor with my stepfather and sister-in-law. It’s been quite a couple months. It doesn’t really feel like the holidays. This whole fall season has been a sprint of confusion into winter. I have a lot of drafts sitting around, but mostly, I haven’t known what to write.
It’s been over a year since I’ve been part of an online community of people who are nerdier than me, for the most part. What I am is alien. I’m strange to them and strange to the people surrounding me. I’ve burrowing now more than ever into this loneliness of mine because I’ve had a few intense and surprising things happen to me. I wrote about them during NaNoWriMo, and I don’t feel I will ever get that thing reordered.
The thing that bothers me the most now is wasted time. I invested time into people and relationships that appear to have been futile and meant nothing; and I think that I have done this before. I hate the wasted time inside myself too; because I am ready to work and accomplish goals. I feel as if I don’t I will be left behind and the next shiny and glittery thing will sweep all I have built away.
Such is the nature of entertainment, I suppose.
But I think for me it has always been more about message, code, substance. I don’t care for quick joke… lick-n-stick fast fix as I say.
This will continue to keep me unpopular. This will make me undesirable in many ways.
But I’m used to it
The trick is to be grateful for surprises. And blessings.
I talked with a few people about this poem. And I wasn’t going to post it. I became unsure.
This is a poem I’ve been working on for a while. I’m not going to explain it overly much.
The thing about my work, my poetry, my songs even, is that I am a puzzle.. a little bit puzzling. One of my girlfriends thought that it was about another experience that I had gone through that *she* knew about with me, long ago. I looked at it and laughed.. Because it really could have been. This made me happy, because I supposed this meant that the poem could be universal.
So I don’t feel that I rail at anything, I don’t feel bitchy, I don’t feel bad. I feel like a woman trying to claim her space when my space is not often honored. When she is not often sure of her support systems or alliances. And when she must ultimately own and rely on her decisions and herself.
This is yes, about issues of mine, and also yes, about general things too. It’s just like my songs. I’m fine with this.
****************
SHE FINDS A WAY
It seems I’ve made
A dastardly mistake
The colors swirl around me
In this supple fourth estate
You would think
that I would see them
But I isolate
I freeze into
A smear of ink, a spot of pink
a woman
with no place to think
I had a place
For a short while
a secret span of smiles
My brethren never understood
my metaphorical miles
You would think
that they would see them
for they stained the tiles
of kitchen floors, of chairs
of stairs, and I find
…I just don’t care no more
Hear that- I do not care!
I need…
My bones are hungry
mouths to feed
Go ahead!
Interpret me
Ask why you are
surprised at what you find
beneath my sheets..
And go ahead
If it occurs
to spring at once to anger
Grasp quickly at your pointed staff of hasty little apostrophes
I should think
you would know better
than to fling these afterthoughts at me
I have been no-one for so long,
you see
I have let you fly high above
peaceful, unconcernedly
uncareful haughty turns
Of phrase incur a burn in me
but small words have their power
-None
My power lies in things I’ve done
In places ive made space
in flowers that have opened
In love that finds a way
1. In bed, writing a blog. Husband showering.. #tmi
2. Yes, I’ve been a little sick. But it’s time to get over it and move on.
3. I wrote some lyrics this morning. They were hard to write, but not TOO hard.
4. Today I need to make sure that my plugins made it onboard the new computer.
5. I have decided against Pianoteq Pro for now until I have figured out a way to make it pay for itself live and in recordings.
6. It’s the end of the year and I’ve made good progress. It was mostly about picking up skills for me. I’ve learned SO VERY MUCH!
incredible feeling just how close in incredible some of these relationships have become and how much I would have to rebuild without them.
I really actually do try to keep my live private. I really DON’T talk about husband, family, emotions, even online and realtime friends
1. I went to the hospital. The reasons for this are part of a long complicated story, but at the beginning of the story is another medical procedure that affected my system. We’ll think of it as “the procedure.” That’s my part of the story that I’ll keep for now.
2. I was already at the hospital because another family member was there. So we were supporting him. While I was there they think I had one of these.
3. This is due to a combination of temporary factors that are being changed as we speak. Some of them can be changed.
4. I have a lot of drafts of a lot of blogs and a lot of blogs that I am writing a lot of drafts in. That doesn’t make sense. Basically that means that I’ve been isolating and that I haven’t been feelin’ it lately. I have been over-tweeting, but you can overtweet and still be isolating. I think I’ve been engaging in sadness and subversive behavior. I’m not really the old Den.
I was going to post a poem today. I thought I needed to do this. I’ve been WAY emo, as you know if you are any kind of Alert Reader. These things come and go. You have to take the ketchup with the fries (no you don’t!! :S )
Anywidget… (no, I’m stopping, I’m stopping) … I just practiced piano, and I have decided to blog. Who knows why we blog, us bloggyfolks that blog. But blog we do. So I am going to blog, because boy I need to stop talking in this redundant paragraph and explain why I raced up here after slightly-less-than-an-hour to do it.
Here I am, playing a piano I made. I’m not playing it well, but I’m ka-decent. I stop talking about how goofy the piano I made is and how I tried to make it sound like a Rhodes and a Wurlitzer combination stuck into a jar of peanut butter (It’s called Magic Peanut Butter Fairy Piano) and actually start playing around :43 -ish; so skip if you want to. I made this in May. So this was a good half-a-year-ago.
Since then there have been quite a few things that have made me slack off on the practicing thing. But that’s the level from which I have fallen. And it should be the level from what I was going to RISE from. Because I needed to get BETTER.. not uh … NOTBETTER.
There’s no use crying over spilled peanut butter or whatever. I’m just going to try to keep a record of what I’m doing in a haphazard type of way and hold myself accountable. Because looking at myself, there is NO WAY IN HELL that I am ACTUALLY ready for live performance after hiding away in my cave. I’ve got to pick the sleep out of my eyes and brush the ick off of myself. It’s like when the creature comes out of the coccoon.
This really isn’t a log is it? It’s more like a gross Sci-Fi metaphor that sounds like I’m comparing myself to The Fly.
Anyway. Run-down.
I:
1. am over-relying on my RightHand.
2. am not abusing the soft pedal to apologize for my mistakes as much as I thought I would.
3. have a MUCH better ear than I used to, and it’s because I’ve been analyzing and making pianos for all this time.
4. make mistakes and immediately become distracted into other things. Rather than judging myself, I allow myself short bursts of timed play time, and have filed away several developmental sections for orchestral things I’m working on. Because of all the “engineer-y” things I’ve been doing, I can hear the voices and what they are supposed to be doing much better.
5. am much more focused in my practice, and am not pussyfooting around.
6. am not putting myself through stupid, punishing practice regimens that are going to kill me.
7. need to play scales and some more exercise-y things… stuff that pertains to what I am interested in writing in and to songs I am working on for repertoire. You know, things like modes. Even just exercises I make up. I made up a scale for something I’m working on for Duality, but I forgot it. (eek!)
8. had a surprising amount of memory retention, and when things fell apart, it taught me about where in my brain I need help.
9. had a LOT of trouble reading, like I’m living in a fog.
Here’s the thing. I have a LOT of trouble with reading now. This is because of a lot of the medical problems that I’ve been going through this year. I don’t talk about this much. It’s part of the reason that I’ve been writing a lot, also why I’ve been over-tweeting. It keeps the attention span. It’s a good way to read. It’s organizational. You’re following links. I know it’s not good enough. It’s not satisfying my intellect. I know full well from experience that playing things like Bach will knit together alternate paths in my mind that will help me to accomplish what I used to. I think I am just afraid of working so hard and facing new destruction. I think that I have little faith. But I shouldn’t because the brain is an organ that CAN heal and CAN and DOES make contingency plans. I know this because I have felt it. You just have to try to do things in a different way. I do not think at ALL in the way that I thought when I was younger, even six years ago… certainly not when I was a teenager. This is because I have had to rebuild my brain.
I think I am afraid, because I am in another phase of rebuilding the brain now. I think this is why I am keeping what I have close around me. There are lessons everywhere. But I cannot afford to lose the piano-tool that I have; and I cannot afford to stop writing my journals and blogs and poetry. And I cannot STOP READING.
I found this in my writing folder. I’m cleaning some stuff up. I may put it in something, I may not. This is a bit of HiddenDen. The ImpoliteMe. DarkSideo’Xondor.
Sorry if I offend a bit.
I wrote this last year. I think something or other pissed me off. I live in Austin, where we have Many Hippy-esque Requirements and must Look Healthily Perky in A Certain Fashion but also with Non-Hectic Intensity. You know …….
……….real cool man!
**************
It is hard, in this day and age, not to be a gossip. It is difficult, now in this time of the destruction of churches – to write a moral treatise. This is a time of sound bytes and tell-all autobiographies. Of tabloids that are mistaken for news magazines. The news itself has degenerated into tabloids. People say more and more:
“Oh my GOD! Did you get that from ‘The Onion?’
The Onion is lampooning us, but we have ceased to “get it.” We do not see the parody that we make of ourselves. A secret is a juicy beef burger, splayed wantonly across the glistening satin sheets of the flat-screen high-def television set. We are the Fad Vegetarian who has reached goal weight. We can eat that juicy burger now. Go and get it. You’ve got the all natural laxative tea in your pantry. You can start your fast on Monday.
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