I was going to post a poem today. I thought I needed to do this. I’ve been WAY emo, as you know if you are any kind of Alert Reader. These things come and go. You have to take the ketchup with the fries (no you don’t!! :S )
Anywidget… (no, I’m stopping, I’m stopping) … I just practiced piano, and I have decided to blog. Who knows why we blog, us bloggyfolks that blog. But blog we do. So I am going to blog, because boy I need to stop talking in this redundant paragraph and explain why I raced up here after slightly-less-than-an-hour to do it.
Here I am, playing a piano I made. I’m not playing it well, but I’m ka-decent. I stop talking about how goofy the piano I made is and how I tried to make it sound like a Rhodes and a Wurlitzer combination stuck into a jar of peanut butter (It’s called Magic Peanut Butter Fairy Piano) and actually start playing around :43 -ish; so skip if you want to. I made this in May. So this was a good half-a-year-ago.
Since then there have been quite a few things that have made me slack off on the practicing thing. But that’s the level from which I have fallen. And it should be the level from what I was going to RISE from. Because I needed to get BETTER.. not uh … NOTBETTER.
There’s no use crying over spilled peanut butter or whatever. I’m just going to try to keep a record of what I’m doing in a haphazard type of way and hold myself accountable. Because looking at myself, there is NO WAY IN HELL that I am ACTUALLY ready for live performance after hiding away in my cave. I’ve got to pick the sleep out of my eyes and brush the ick off of myself. It’s like when the creature comes out of the coccoon.
This really isn’t a log is it? It’s more like a gross Sci-Fi metaphor that sounds like I’m comparing myself to The Fly.
1. am over-relying on my RightHand.
2. am not abusing the soft pedal to apologize for my mistakes as much as I thought I would.
3. have a MUCH better ear than I used to, and it’s because I’ve been analyzing and making pianos for all this time.
4. make mistakes and immediately become distracted into other things. Rather than judging myself, I allow myself short bursts of timed play time, and have filed away several developmental sections for orchestral things I’m working on. Because of all the “engineer-y” things I’ve been doing, I can hear the voices and what they are supposed to be doing much better.
5. am much more focused in my practice, and am not pussyfooting around.
6. am not putting myself through stupid, punishing practice regimens that are going to kill me.
7. need to play scales and some more exercise-y things… stuff that pertains to what I am interested in writing in and to songs I am working on for repertoire. You know, things like modes. Even just exercises I make up. I made up a scale for something I’m working on for Duality, but I forgot it. (eek!)
8. had a surprising amount of memory retention, and when things fell apart, it taught me about where in my brain I need help.
9. had a LOT of trouble reading, like I’m living in a fog.
Here’s the thing. I have a LOT of trouble with reading now. This is because of a lot of the medical problems that I’ve been going through this year. I don’t talk about this much. It’s part of the reason that I’ve been writing a lot, also why I’ve been over-tweeting. It keeps the attention span. It’s a good way to read. It’s organizational. You’re following links. I know it’s not good enough. It’s not satisfying my intellect. I know full well from experience that playing things like Bach will knit together alternate paths in my mind that will help me to accomplish what I used to. I think I am just afraid of working so hard and facing new destruction. I think that I have little faith. But I shouldn’t because the brain is an organ that CAN heal and CAN and DOES make contingency plans. I know this because I have felt it. You just have to try to do things in a different way. I do not think at ALL in the way that I thought when I was younger, even six years ago… certainly not when I was a teenager. This is because I have had to rebuild my brain.
I think I am afraid, because I am in another phase of rebuilding the brain now. I think this is why I am keeping what I have close around me. There are lessons everywhere. But I cannot afford to lose the piano-tool that I have; and I cannot afford to stop writing my journals and blogs and poetry. And I cannot STOP READING.
Thanks for encouragement. It has been so helpful