A Scary Week, for which I am Unprepared

It’s going to be a scary week for me.

The week stretches out in front of me like this long twisty road I can’t see the end of. I’ve been setting this road up for a long time. I set this road up carefully. I set up support systems and guardrails so that I could walk down this road. I made sure I had seatbelts in the car for the times I have to load the gear and take the car. I take the map in case I have to walk alone, because I’m pretty sure that’s gonna be the case.

Now the metaphor feels like it’s falling apart, even.

I have three gigs this week. I already know they are going to go fine, because I’ve had a stressful week every week and I’ve sucked it up despite overwhelming odds I’ve kept to myself. I got everything done except for staying in Nur Ein. Everything is… sorta… going well. I’m only trembling a little bit inside and not falling apart. My structures and the metaphors might not stand, but this time my foundation has NO cracks. Everything else could sweep away.

Maybe, I’m prepared after all.

I don’t know what else to do but write. Things will continue to change. I’ll have consistency around me or I won’t. I will move through ever changing circles of this and that. But I feel like I will remain the same, and that this is okay. Instinctively I know that getting my enviornment around me and some kind of tasklist that pertains to me under control is the best and safest thing that I can do. I remember when I was a strong individual that was all wrapped up in my own little cloud.

It was really hard to get to me there. But it was clear that I had a soft heart and did care very deeply about those around me. I got a LOT done behind the scenes. It’s a REALLY good place to be. Even if no one sees you and it’s all too easy to be dismissed. It’s always MY choice as to whether or not I’m gonna to get bitter about being overlooked. If I want to stand in the front of things, I’ll pick some other sitch to get into, I s’pose.

I would so much rather be backstage in the frenzy of activity than out in the sun, where it is tiring and awful. Then when I go out, I am in a professional and elaborate costume… beautiful and prepared.

And everyone is very very happy.

This is what my dreams tell me, when I get a real good sleep.

I feel like I should do a blog. It’s a tough-y though, because I’m back at that point where I feel weird blogging about my feelings. I feel like I’m being watched again. Like if I talk about something that is frustrating me, the person in question that has done the frustrating will know that they are the source of my ire. Or whatever.

So moot point, right?

Blogging seems dumb to me, all of a sudden. But you start talking about your stuff. And you don’t wanna be this person that is ABSUING your audience. You want to tell deeply personal stories about yourself. You want to share … talk about your life … blah-blah-blah.

I just don’t really understand it all.

I guess I’m just frustrated. And I’m this alien robot type of person. So I don’t know how to function. So there we go. Here’s a nice list. I’ll give you some of me.

1. I’m frustrated because I can’t get my point across professionally. One of the most frustrating things about being at university and then after university was being an accompanist. I’m a shitty accompanist. I don’t read well, although I’m sensitive and I follow pretty well. I’m a good performer. But it’s not what I do. The only good accompanist parts of me are good because of the ensemble aspect of it. Not because of the follower or the “do this” aspect. I’m not good “hired gun” material. I’m good collaborator material. When you do things with me, it’s because you are looking for something specific. I’m learning this more and more.
2. I’m really tired.
3. REALLY tired.
4. So. We’re back here again. Where I’m starting to isolate and get funky and freaky and sick and make bad decisions. I’m not down on myself. I’m just about to do that thing where I lose friends and alienate people. I hear that from OTHER people about themselves and I say “whatevermonkey, you’re fine!” … but I am so sure that it’s gonna happen to me because I pretty much have the social skills of a racoon (trust me, they’re rude!).
5. It’s time to make lists. Substantial lists of THINGS to DO. And a schedule. Even my buddy Chad knows this. If Joe were around someplace (which would probably help me substantially – because Joe makes me feel nice and calm like… I dunno something nice and calm..) he’d prolly tell me that too once he waded thru the crazy. Of course, when he’s functional again, I hope he doesn’t try to slap deadlines on me (if you’re reading this, don’t get any ideas…..)
6. Really though, this means PRIORITIZATION. I can’t just be reacting to the things that are placed right in front of me. I have to be more martial arts about it.
3. Speaking of martial arts, that’s a whole nuther can o’ worms. But there it is.
4. I DO seriously need to think about the “team” I have around me. Who is in it. Who is it comprised of. What does that mean?
5. A team seems silly when no one is CONSISTENT. I love people, but they can’t remain … steadfast. I extol the praises of someone, then I find out they are not who they SAY they are. And that REALLY, REALLY sucks.

That’s all I’ll say of that.

6. I don’t think I’ll swap one addiction for another.

[update. I forgot to post this when I wrote it. I'll backdate it and post it now!!!]

the YouTubes

I totally forgot I’ve been on the YouTubes lately. I’m even on other people’s blogs (thanks Travis at Spintown!) and not mine

Here’s an original

And a Nanci Griffith Cover

And some blooper takes of the Nanci cover.

So yeah … there we are … and I have NO idea why the videos go out of sync, so SEARCH ME!!