more lists. just to get through the night.

1. Audio, if you do it correctly, can get REALLY lonely.
2. Piano, if *I* do it correctly, is SUPPOSED to be solitary.
3. I have not been alone, and I am suddenly afraid of being alone, and my own shadow.
4. I am suddenly addicted to attention, like a small child. This could be why I am hedging on getting the gigs again. I know better than this.
5. Something is once again missing from the puzzle that is my ridiculous brain.

Screw the lists. Practicing was lackluster today, as I knew it was going to be. I knew it was going to make me into an angry red sore to be around. I knew it was going to take my mojo away. I knew it was going to make me un-sexy. I knew it was suddenly going to be stupid. It was going to be “Denise what’s wrong?” and … whatever. Even if it was in my own head. I knew that it would be tempting to run away from slow hands and burning wrists and clumsy fingers. I knew eventually I would HAVE to run away from a twitching in my right hand because if I overworked it we would get another Hungarian January Repeat (specifically the friska! – which I will never play this way! … because few can, I can’t even get through the music so much) and we don’t want that.

By the way, I would kill for Horowitz’s trills. They make me cry.

clarifications

I’m so scattered!

I’m reading the other post. I need tacos! This is why I don’t blog. The other thing I’m going to have to do is retrain myself to write. This was what the 3-pages-I-used-to-write-in-the-morning were for!

That’s another thing I remember about the guy I re-met in the studio. I think he knows about ‘The Artist’s Way.’ We have a lot more in common that I knew.

What I was going to say about him in the studio is that my piano didn’t work for him. I don’t know if I SUPER frustrated my engineer or not … who knows. But I play in a certain way. I had one of those blinding flashes though; of really <i>knowing</i> who I was because the other piano player was in there. He was doing a build-up into another section of a song. I was sitting back on the couch really <i>f-e-e-l–i-n–g</i> what he was doing. And then when it was starting to get really good, he stopped. He’d made a “mistake.” Everyone in the studio agreed. I held my tongue. And then they wanted to go back, not only over the mistake, but over MOST of the stuff he did which I thought was REALLY amazing. It was then I knew that I was really, really WEIRD. As if I hadn’t had a clue before …

I think that I am maybe just an “inappropriate” pianist. I don’t think this is a bad thing. I take pride in this, actually. It just means that maybe forcing myself into being some kind of a session musician may spoil me … may spoil EVERYTHING that makes me … me; and makes me … GOOD.

And I don’t think I want to do that. Maybe it is the same with my vocals. Maybe I don’t need to sound like some rich-throated siren of blues. Maybe it’s okay that I sound like a teenager. Maybe it is okay that I am surprising.

Here  is another clarification that I wanted to make. I don’t go into phases where I don’t listen to other people’s music EVER. I still listen. I am just the queen of hyperbole and I wanted to illustrate how important my enviornment is to me. I’ve got to frame things just right.

I just have to severely restrict what goes into my ears. Because I am a “pocket” musician. I’m different. I’m not “unique just like everyone else.” My being different has gotten me into trouble … And I’ve had a couple people tell me “I haven’t heard anything like you.” I’ve had people pause and say “uhhhhhhhhh” when asked where I’d go in the record store. I have not been able to clarify myself. I’ve been told I sound like a spread of different people – none of whom sound like one another. So listening to too many other things is confusing – and having too much colleague time is intimidating. When I become a fan rather than a person who is producing, I get surly and upset. And my music gets more competitive rather than original.

This is probably why I haven’t done an Inverse cover yet. When other people do Inverse covers, they are being community minded. I can tell they put themselves in it. But other people don’t suffer from identity crisis as I do. I will probably be bringing a lot of hangup into mine. And if/when I do mine (which I have cooking), I’d like it to come from an uncomplicated place as though I hadn’t heard another song in the world ever. As if that song and I had found one another on an island and had a long, long torrid affair. Even like Inverse had never written it. Just maybe given it his features, because he gave it birth (proper lyrics, proper structure); but maybe I change its sonic philosophy and some other things about it and we have a “relationship” or something. I dunno. This is just the way that I feel about things, and why I do so few covers. And why a cover has to be GOOD in order for me to do it. I have to CARE.

Anyway. More ramble.

more about me and my process than you care to know

1. I think in 140 character or less segments. This is a Problem. I think that I have become attention seeking and desperate. I don’t know if this is because of the music business, chat rooms, or both. I suspect a little bit of both.
2. I have stopped completing songs with me in mind. I think that I USED to complete songs with “me” in mind because I used to keep myself in kind of a forced isolation mode. While this was not exactly healthy, I did control the stimuli around me. I could think and I could write. Things weren’t good last year, and they were better in 2005 production-wise.
3. I think that maybe my husband being home all the time is affecting me somehow. I’m not sure how. I think that maybe it is making me NEED to be around people ALL THE TIME. Even on the internet. When he leaves, I don’t let out a huge sigh of relief and start running to the piano. I run to look to see what someone else has posted. I think this is because I know that I’m not going to get a 6 hour block of time to work. I don’t think that this is anyone’s fault. It is what it is. So I’m trying to do the type of work that one does in these short bursts. The practice-practice can come later I suppose.
4. It’s going to be a little hard for me when he goes back, because I’m going to have to go right back into being the person that I used to be who is more focused. There will be less of me … around … all the time. I’ll be sitting at my instrument for 5-7 hours at a time. I’ll be sitting on my computer, and it will be disconnected because I’ll maniacally be in the folders shifting the lyrics back and forth. Because I have hours of time to just be thinking in clips and poetry. I won’t be going on YouTube and getting ideas. I won’t be immersing myself.
5. I’ll probably stop listening to other people’s music for a while, which I’ve gotten some raised eyebrows for. But I know that I’ve actually just isolated and wiped everything off my iPhone, and put maybe less than 100 tracks on there from time to time (I have less than 100 tracks on there now). I don’t really like music in a traditional way. I don’t feel like I have that luxury. I think about music in form, I think about it in flows and feelings. It has to make me feel a certain way. I will pick out a simply AWFUL song which I hate because the first eight bars of groove makes me feel ABSOLUTELY turned on. Then I will just rewind it over and over and OVER again to that and only that.
6. I’ve become obsessed with covers and gigging, which I didn’t use-d to be (bad grammarandIdon’tcare).
7. I like the way I talk, and write lyrics. I doubt I’m going to be changing this.
8. I had a strange moment in the studio. I went in to help with pianos and … [EDIT] …I was going in for tech reasons, because I have cool pianos. I’ve “rendered” (that’s what I call it – I think you actually say “modelling”) a bunch of pianos with pianoteq; and I thought they were really great. I use them in my work. I also made some synths and some little wurlys. Some little cute organs and some other things. I practiced a solo for one of the songs, because I thought – {edit, “maybe I’ll be called upon to do something on amother song on this record; and”} … it will be {edit “something“} with an instrument like this. But I went in [EDIT-OUT]

The {edit: “person who ended up playing the piano on the track that WAS worked on that day is a different sort of player to me. I wouldn’t have fit into that song, had I been called upon to play it. So it’s good that they had another player. But it does make me realize how much I really don’t get the vibe sometimes, of other people’s music. How differently I interpret things.”}

I am not really a masterful fit anywhere, but with my own music. This happened in the TMA as well. Well, it happened in a specific project in the TMA, and I had to kind of negotiate around that. Typically, I thought it would end in disaster, but it just ended in an interesting relationship that is strange to say the least. I’m full of strange relationships. The other collaboration I did is more confusing, because I fit into it so seamlessly that I’m still thinking about it and it bothers me a LOT. I didn’t play an instrument on this one.

I write in this blog because no one is really paying attention anymore. I can read the signs of when people get too busy and kind of tell. I got a lot of votes this time in the Song Fu, but this is a good time for me to keep flying under the radar. At least, I hope so, because I think I’m getting to that point where I’m starting to slip and to lose myself.

Plus, and this is a big worry – I don’t know how many (really), of my votes were “shiny votes of the other sort” and not really votes I would have gotten with a song of my own complete effort. I’m rather nervous about the next round. Maybe I made too much of a good decision. I’ve never been so grateful for the support of Austinites, and never been so SURPRISED at them crawling out of the woodwork at the last minute.

Now, I suppose that I will have to do a quick video – going against everything I believe – explaining a silly thing I say. I’m part of a community whether I like it or not. I can’t really explain this weird little family that we have. It’s pretty intense to say the least. I don’t really know my role in it either. I guess I worry too much about stuff. :S

‘Something Very Horrible (Bluebeard’s Lament)’

Well, Masters of Songfu Round 2 is up. I have written a song called ‘Something Very Horrible (Bluebeard’s Lament).’ We were told to write a song that doesn’t rhyme. It was very difficult. I chose to write a song about Bluebeard. It’s based upon his fable. You can find out more about Bluebeard, and his poor wives – here, where I liked all the story except the very last line!

It features a fellow called Joe “Covenant” Lamb. He is also a member of Too Much Awesome with me, and won the last Song Fu, so I’m fortunate to have him on my track.

And SECOND most importantly, you can vote for the song HERE!

(and apologies for BLOGGING this SO LATE to anyone I’ve passed a card to :S)

5 Moody Review-y Thoughts on the Review

I’m moody today. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the weather. I don’t feel like I have the right, because I’m doing really well in the voting for Fu this time around. But I kind of feel like something bad is going on right now and I don’t like it. Then again, I’m a crazy person.

Anyway, I really liked Travis’ review. I’m going to put it in a list though because that works better for me. These are just pre-thoughts about my segment. Because I’m going to be narcissistic right this minute.

1. You “get” more about my song than you think you do because of your choice of “favorite lyric element.” I threw a key in there. Of course, it’s a broken obscure key and hardly explains a damn thing about what I really write about. Of course, I’m not prone to talk about myself anymore than I’m gonna post “rainysexy song fu reviews.” Particularly not today
2. I really liked the way that you summed me up, and kind of gave me room to breathe. And you did it in a review-y fashion. Actually, you seemed to do it for a lot of people. You really captured the personality of everyone and showed that you kind of GOT everybody. And you showed that you have a lot of respect for everyone as well.
3. I liked that you pointed out “film noir,” because that’s kind of what I was going for. I’m actually trying to do a consistent theme with my SongFu collection because I am going to make an album. I will explain how I think things “work” at some point because I have an idea for a mixed-media thing. … and stuff. … Maybe. (I like an ellipsis like you like a good bag of hashtags)

Someday I will explain that more fully. I probably have a lot of things I could explain. It’s difficult though. Sometimes I try to talk more about myself, and it doesn’t come across.

4. I think my dynamics are getting a little less jarring because my engineering is getting better.
5. I don’t think that I’m the most experimental though, but it’s high praise because I have some raw ingredients that I find it tough to work with that I’m glad I’m getting across. Most of my songs are highly sexualized and romanticized thoughts about very specific things that I’m going through that I dramatize because I am a songwriter. But I don’t talk about them because … like you say … I am “weird.”

I’m glad that you don’t think weird is bad – but many people do. There are so few people that get me. I’m fortunate to live with someone who does. Unfortunately, good marriages sometimes are NOT good song fodder. Fortunately, I’m kind of a psycho who thinks about death and cannibalism (not for me!) and perversion and flowers and monkeys and poptarts and conga drums and quality footwear and perfume and hair dye and has “topical” and “work” and “just for fun” crushes on lotsa people at the same time. So I write.

Anyway, your review was really good and your writing really IS stellar. I like people who bother. In Austin it’s a hard thing to find because everyone is really busy trying to get people to come to their shows, of which there are 5-7 a week.

Doing nothing is REALLY preferable to doing something. And sometimes it’s better than doing anything. And I REALLY need to remember that. I think that I’m starting to freak out again. This happens when it gets cold, I know. I start to fritter around. Get a little crazy.

Nobody likes a crazy person, do they?

a weird two days

It’s been a weird couple of days. Yesterday was the happiest day ever. And then today was the angst-iest day ever. All during this I have felt jealous, unprepared, paranoid, and over-bearing. And so, so unsure.

It’s really been going on for a while.

I just really don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not going to be up for long. I’ll make a list, because it’s late.

1. My neck has been hurting all the time again.
2. I’m not getting enough sleep.
3. I’m online too often, and not in a good way.
4. I’ve become clingy and codependent.
5. I am worried about what people think even though I have never met them before.
6. There are all these coincidences in my life that are not really coincidences.

I’m also really freaked out, because I’m coming more into myself. This isn’t a problem at home. We’ve known this was in process for a long time. But as usual, it’s kind of a problem out there. When I come out and say it like that, it gets the predictible responses – about how I should just be exactly who I am. But what if the person that I am is a person that makes people uncomfortable? And what if I make people uncomfortable in a way that they can’t really even define? What if my lyrics become more and more transparent? Less and less neatly metaphorical? What if I use you, for instance (whoever “you” are), as an example – or just mention you because it’s not even really a metaphor anymore ..?

It’s far easier to be uncomfortable because you’re being actively pushed – because you know really well that you disagree with something/someone. It’s the light disapproval that I hate. It smacks of the old things that we have left behind – all for good reasons. I hate the expectation that I would act in a certain way because I am of a certain station. And I feel it all the time, even though I make my own path and you’d think I’d have left those things behind. I actively chose and picked my life. Down to the molecule. We do as we like, as we see is fitting. We are careful of these things.

I don’t know. One thing I do know, once again, is how TIRED I’m getting every single night!

Acky-ack

I think I’m having an online Facebook fight with another musician who is:

1. most certainly in my “top 12″
2. annoying, but in a really wonderful way.
3. slightly more talented than me, which is sort of intimidating.
4. mysterious … OR IS HE … nah – it’s a put on … NO! WAIT! it’s not … maybe he needs a cape. Or a creepy organ. And a basement …
5. excruciatingly hot and looks like a heartbreaking model that one would accidentally run into at a cafe full of smart poets or revolutionaries who are cooler than Wal-mart-y Texan Housewives. Not that I like Wal-mart. At least, not since they screwed up my Wal-mart by putting that grocery store in it!
6. dissing people that I have NO BUSINESS feeling protective of, because in my past they’ve done nothing but hurt me real, real bad.

Why am I sticking my neck out? What am I doing? Why don’t I just shut up?

I think it’s the principle of the thing. I think it’s the way that the criticisms are falling out. It’s the way that the enviornment is getting made. I don’t know the answers to these questions.

I know that not just anyone should be allowed to play anywhere. Who gets to apply the standard of awesome though? I know a lot of people who would hate Medeski, Martin, and Wood – who are brilliant. There are people who are into hard core country music – the Nashville kind which I think is a bit cheesy and over-produced. NOT the kind that the people I know who are doing what they call “outlaw” music are doing.

Then there are these online people that I’ve been with – the TMA folk who are into people like Jonathan Coulton. They don’t know anything about the enviornment down here. They don’t know how … snooty the Austin people can get. And they don’t know how Austin people can host amazing musicans here that, ironically – they don’t seem to have the britches for.

I wrote some lyrics once. I don’t think I’m really “into it” with this fellow. I think we’re in agreement on many things. Plus he’s just a cutie anyway and fun as hell to film at large gatherings when I don’t want to be in the middle of large and gross crowds who annoy me!

Here they are:

LITTLE BRITCHES, TEXAS
[Disclaimer: I was REALLY annoyed, and it was a hot, hot day! In July ...]

I don’t want to waste another summer here
Sweating in the sweltering heat
Under the pressure of pretension
Of a place that wants to be like New York or LA
With out the late night sushi bars or Russian samovars
To back it up

Such pressure sure should not exist
In a town too small to catch a subway
Or the next train
Out of this

CH
Here in Little Britches, Texas
We preach our southern fried religion
Our warped purist vision
Hear the irony clink in our glass
Like the ice cubes in a glass of Chardonnay
And our pride makes us swell above our – hipster capris
In Little Britches, Texas
…

And as you sit there in your bobo liberal righteousness
Fresh from your trip to Whole Foods – judging me
For drinking tap water or buying gas or diesel fuel
Remember I’m not rich enough to change the rules
Just rich enough to point out I can’t buy a shirt that
Sherpas made that you are wearing casually
as you drive home to your house in Westlake

…

And that’s some irony in the Live Music Capitol …
Of nothing …
Just plug the robot in behind the Strat and hit the Jimmy preset
Can’t hit a rock without hitting a thousand bands who’ll play for free
apparently including me
So you can go out and help try to dig us out of this
Or you can stay home and watch some more reality …

Daes dae-mar

the rope cuts in
and I am shamed
again

fighting for breath
for air and strength

you stand – removed
your hands detached
from your body
and no body

knows –
that the hands around
my neck,
the twisted rope …
fingers that carelessly
unconcernedly
grope,
are yours.

“Daes dae-mar”: from Robert Jordan’s Game of Houses (Wheel of Time)

Gig and a Pancake

Gig in an hour-ish. I should go, because I have John’s folder and he’s freaking.

Wrote a poem. It’s twisty.

TRIAD

Obsession
has turned the subtle into gauzy
transparency
Ideally,
understanding my perception
would bring nothing but release

But fear of the strange
convention-
of time and tradition
will make dreams that I have
of taking a taste
(of a something that maybe
should not go to waste)
- this will twist
fading mysteries
and warm sharp intensities
into tawdry insanities
held by the unchaste

So I will be vague
… vague as a chord
changes its third at its whim
It’s not meant to do this
It should follow the rules
But obsession itself is my lover
and I remain one of its fools