I don’t know what my problem is. Australia is burning. This is much worse than what is going on in my life. I feel so bad for my husband. It’s his home.
The musicial was, as I figured, devestatingly distracting for me. I don’t know if I’m going to get the Song Fu stuff done or not. It’s due at 11:59 PM ET tomorrow. There’s no telling what will happen, if I’ll finish. I’ve got vocals to cut. Who knows. I’ll also have to mix down. We’re at Ruta, smoking. I’m blogging. I’ve got lyrics and a rough tune. An idea for accompaniment.
I almost quit a few times, quit a lot of things. The musical was devestating for me in a lot of ways. I really thought is was going to be almost impossible for me to write a happy song. Everything of mine was hanging out everywhere. I really don’t know how I’m going to accomplish this “being out in public among the people I used to know” thing. I trust my new friends now, but all the old people that I used to know don’t get that I have to make complete breaks and complete changes.
The musical was good too. I met good people. I may or may not have new friends. We’ll see what happens. I’m going to try to keep in touch with people. Maybe I will go to my band-director friend’s party that he’s throwing in appreciation. I’m going to try to get over things that bother me.
The fires have been like the flaming Katrina of Australia right now.
but in lighter news, just to be BALANCED and all. I have the lyrics already for Song Fu – and I’m pretty excited.
It’s very tenuous, you know. It could ALL go up in smoke at the drop of a hat. And it’s VERY, VERY easy to drop hats. Lots and lots of hats. I am a fickle creature who is psyched out easily and practically CRAVES distraction. It’s much like a disease.
I’m helping a friend out with the performance of another musical. The facts of it are all a little wonky and make me uncomfortable. It’s over on Sunday. I’m hoping that I will not be distracted from my work. This really has the potential to cause a LOT of problems for me. My friend says that he really wants to help me with my project on this, but I don’t think that he understands that he could probably help more by … well, I don’t know … I don’t know what would help with this situation other than for it just not to exist.
So now we’re in the next paragraph. I have to go mail something unpleasant, or not. It occurs to me that I might need to protect my intellectual property somehow before I mail out these notes. I’m a little freaked out about doing this. As usual, I’m freaked out about standing up for myself, feeling all weasely and shifty. This is one of those things that I would talk about with a professional friend. And I don’t have one of those I can get good-and-neuro with yet.
I am waiting, with more bait-breath, for some kind of sign about the song-fu thing. I am impatient. I have not really finished any kind of solid food today. I am a freak. I stayed up FAR too late last night and I should probably consume some blueberries or something.
I have to send in my notes for the musical, because for some bizarre reason they consider them invaluable. I am not sure why this is – since the vibe I was getting in rehearsals was what led me to drop out of the musical in the first place. We left on good terms, unlike many of my projects – where we have not only burnt bridges, but blown them into dimensions where their fields of reality cease to exist and dangerous event horizon-type things are created and chain reaction horrible-nesses occur all over other galaxies in other people’s alien rock bands. That didn’t happen with this one. Things were regretful and polite. The phrase, perhaps we can work together again, was tossed out by the person I thought I was troubling … and if I remember correctly – I think it was accompanied by looking forward to … I guess if I’m this surpried, this makes me sound like some kind of problem child.
I don’t know, perhaps I am a space cadet. I do not regret my actions, since I need the time and I don’t have the learning-curve stuff together on the software … I was clear about this. I don’t know why I’m second-guessing myself. I talk to the husband about this over-and-over. And I need to be careful with all future things. I should be careful with other approaches, even wtih Song Fu, to a certain extent. If I pour all my energy into songs about lactating weasels (not that I will do this!), this is not really celebrating the strange flower that is myself.
My husband’s homeboy who is my ex-boss is doing some movie about horses and he has mentioned that he wants me to collaborate on some string parts. I don’t know if this will come to pass or how this will be structured. I am going to play around with viola noises today, because he brought his guitar into the smoke shop and I listened to his sonic interpretation of horses running in e minor-ishness. I think I can work with this. It reminds me of my marine/bro and his playing the theme from ‘Brokeback Mountain.’ I think everyone has a ‘Brokeback Mountain’ story, probably like knowing where where you during this last inauguration or 9-11 or or any other pivotal moment. Okay – maybe not so much. Or I don’t know – I think so … it was a fairly large moment in cinema, anyway.
When saying “cinema-anyway” really fast over-and-over becomes recklessly entertaining, you know that you have abused your body … hopefully for the last time. Perhaps I should shut up and eat my pineapple.
Okay, it’s time to blog now, because I actually have something non-whiny to blog about.
I’ve entered a song contest. I never thought I’d do one of these. I’m not posting the link yet. I don’t do that. I’m going to talk about it and that’s it. I’m not going to publicize this or get into it with anyone. I’m treating this like my diary, once again. I’m going to go back into my lj, fix my tags, and then try to link up in there so that I can actually talk about things in there and use real names and talk about people. But this can be where I get into it about work-stuff. Now that I have that. And man … that feels really good.
I’ve done a few things that I’ve been dragging my feet on for … literally … years. And if anyone is reading this (I know that my husband is), you know how I like to make lists:
1. I finally did something to move on from my past hangups, that have been causing me to stagnate in the “past” a bit. This is a big deal
2. I have set up my studio! That means that I have gotten the software working and I can basically go in and record all the things that I need to and that everything is going to be okay. Yay me!
3. I have entered that song contest, like I said. It’s 4:05 now, and I’m going to bed – but I sent off the bio and the photo and I’ll be up on the site. They send out the first assignment on Tuesday and I think that I should go to martial arts either tomorrow or Tuesday itself to commemorate the occasion. I may try to hit open mics every time I stay in a round (if indeed I do) to see if I can perform them quickly and just get back into the groove of playing. I’m going to keep writing through each round, even if I don’t stay in. I don’t think I will – I think I’ll get eliminated early because it’s my first contest. I’m also going to enter the ‘Austin’ one. I’ll talk more about that later – it’s too new. I’ve got to get my ducks in a row in the studio because it’s going to be LOTS of recording.
4. I’m out of doing the musical, which is a relief. And I did it withouth completely alienating everyone (I think!), which is also good. I think that they’re disappointed that I left, but I needed to do this or I am never going to get going on the things I need to do this year. If I don’t do it, I won’t record myself this year at all.