back again

I’m back again.  My computer needed a new motherboard.  Yuck.

We had James for dinner (he was tasty!) last night and that was hysterical.  Much talking … about everything.  We have much in common.

But in really, really large TODAY news – husband and I both have iPhones!  It means we had to switch to AT&T … which sort of pisses me off a bit (I like having more control) – but today we had finally had it with Sprint because they gave us another solicitation call.  When Mike told them to get off the phone … he wasn’t interested in buying a new phone, blah-blah-blah … and also that he was interested in switching anyway because of the iPhone … the lady literally said “what’s an iPhone?”

Then she proceeded to badger him about “maybe we have a phone with those features … blah, blah …”

Anyway.  The iPhone.  Yay.  And other good things happening.  But I’d better go look at my cool new toy!

CRASH!

My computer needs (again) a new motherboard. This will be its THIRD successive motherboard. I can’t believe it’s still under warranty. When I go to cafes, people actually feel very bad for me (you know – with the wireless card and the electrical tape and all) …

In other news, don’t you fret (my LARGE audience …) I WILL be recording soon. My engineer actually didn’t call me back, but I was still being completely paranoid. I ran into him at the humidor and we got to talking about all sorts of amazing things. Felt as though I was totally grokked about music school … even got to talking about DM and he knew of her teacher (I am still really upset that she did not live to see ‘Two Hands‘). So it was a really good conversation.

So I was just freaking out with all the drama – oh no, I have to just quit music and become a chimney sweep because no one wants to work with me … (not that it wouldn’t be exciting to be a chimney sweep. Perhaps I should write a chimney sweep song – although it has already been done. Do we really need more than one?) Anyway … It was the week after south-by-south-shimmydowntha’drainpipe … so what did I expect?

Well, my engineer (I know, that sounds really possessive - but it has to feel like he is or it doesn’t work) … he’s a GENIUS … is as picky as I am about absolutely everything … also seems to dislike when dj-s butcher Violent Femmes songs … and has an engineering (and personal) background that is going to make what I have to do very interesting. I’m very excited.

I just have to figure out my money situation. I have the money for the recording. But the problem is – the marimba. I decided to use most of our “standing around money” (i.e. – our music money) for paying debt (I hate paying interest). So now I have to convince everyone in my house to eat ramen (because we’re probably not going to stop smoking fine cigars …) so that I can bulk back up. Or maybe I just can’t have it both ways. I guess we’ll just have to see – because I’d also like the husband to be able to buy some uber-camera. We’ll just have to see if Mr. Bush sends us our money – and if that helps.

I have more funny stuff to write about – but I’ll have to save it. I have to frantically write out LISTS, LISTS, and more LISTS! Much to do from now ’till then! AGGGH!

Proactivity …

When I started the blog – it was sort of like when I started my lj. I promised myself here that I would do my morning pages before I did any blogging – in lj I’d promised myself that I’d write in my personal private journal. I feel like I have a split personality now (perhaps I do!), because I still have all four things. I actually have a couple of other things that I do that are “writing-type-things” as well.

I’ve always has trouble deciding – ‘musician’ or ‘writer.’ This is actually a struggle that has taken up a lot of valuable career time that could have been spent working. I’m happy to be blogging about this in this blog – because whenever I talked about this in my lj I feel as though I used to whine a lot about it. This could be because I was still in my church. I felt a lot of pressure to be one thing or the other, to be something else, or to be nothing at all. There were questions over the type of writing I would be allowed to do. I couldn’t write anything that was too frank, that spoke poorly of my religion or made it look bad – or revealed it’s less than savory parts … I couldn’t write anything “rated R” (or really even PG / PG-13). I eventually decided on “sci-fi” because you could make up your own cuss words. That slowed me down as well – because I’m a perfectionist – and not a scientist. I’ve always described the difference between science fiction and fantasy novels as a question of dragons. In sci-fi the dragon has to be aerodynamically plausible. You have to explain both how he flies, how his species came to be in the evolution of things, how his planet came to exist, how he in particular came to be and why he-in-particular is so special, and how he co-exists and communicates with his humans and/or other natural/supernatural creatures (which would also have to be scientifically plausible). It all has to have an explanation.

In fantasy, a fat dragon can fly with tiny wings and cast random spells. The science is superfluous. That’s not the point of the story. Although I think this is changing and there is really much cross-over. A fantasy enthusiast might be really offended at this and feel like it’s a blase toss off. But there I go – apologizing to a non-existent audience (although I’ve gotten:

52 HITS!)

I don’t know what that means though. Maybe it has something to do with spam. I don’t know what constitutes a legitimate reader of one’s blog, so I haven’t gotten too excited. I don’t know when you know. I also haven’t advertised yet. I’ve also viewed my own blog without logging in, I don’t know how many times. I’m sure that counts.

I’m also glad to be doing this at this physical place. I never seem to have this identity crisis here. I’m a musician, I’m a writer. It’s the same thing. I wanted to be a writer when I was young (jr. high … high school) – I just “fell into” being a musician because everyone else in my social group was writing songs (that sounds really pathetic, doesn’t it?). But at this particular cafe, neat things are always happening – like today I walk in and it’s fresh and breezy and the barristas are threatening each other with freindly bodily harm. I can’t even review Garden District (this is their myspace page) now … because it would be biased.

But I walked out onto the porch and I heard ‘Closer to Fine‘ and I was really happy to be out in the sun on the porch. It made me think I could actually pull this off … all these plans that I can’t articulate … all these things … I can do it without anyone’s help …

Of course, I’ll need help, eventually. But sometimes you feel like you are out there all alone. And I’ve got quite a bit to knit together before I’ve got anything cohesive to put up. What have I got. Fifty songs (only half of which I’d record) and 40-50 MB of writings (not all of which are good or finished … much of which is poetry and stuff). Only one of those 25 is on myspace and it’s not the one that comes up … so it’s not a good (or mastered!) recording. But I need relationships with people to record, as I have no soundproofing.

I’m trying to work through these problems logically. I’m trying to work through the part of me that feels like I’m “bitching to the internet.” I’m trying to be a Problem Solver.

So I’m off to Go Solve Problems.

nightnight

it’s looking a little nicer on here, and a little more “me” … so I’m pretty pleased. But I’ve got “mouse cramp.” Which I think is actually sort of sad.

This is definitely a different kind of “work,” I remember now! And when you’re trying to express yourself in your professional life, well let’s just say this is very different from what I remember doing. There’s much more presentation and research involved. I’m setting up a lot more. I’m thinking about other aspects of things as well. I’m doing a lot of other things off the computer.

I have to try to tell myself that practicing Stravinsky, while seemingly not a high yield activity, is just as important and necessary for my “final mission” as waiting for phone calls and working on this blog which will eventually split into many different things (or just settle into itself on a website) … at any rate – it will just mesh into my eventual home. The goal is to have the myspace site point away from itself to a more permanent home where I do all my internet “living.” So we’ll be coming off of denisehudson.com – which is parked and I own it (I’ve parked it). People have offered me for it, but it’s mine!

Anyway … I’ve got to sleep now. I REALLY need to go to martial arts in the damn evening tomorrow. This is important to sanity, peace, quiet, and balance in the universe.

I pray for all the trouble around us. Whatever “pray” means for me these days, because I don’t even know. I need to work on that song too.

i got the blues …

It’s Wednesday … and “my” engineer hasn’t called. Mike says he’s probably busy. It was his b’day – St.Pat’s day. I’m thinking of many other reasons his call back might be delayed:

1. booty call. that’s actually a fine excuse I would really understand and be sympathetic about to a point.

2. flesh eating spiders crawled into his underwear drawer. I really hope this didn’t happen. Okay … Bad karma! Bad karma! Down! down! down!

3.  He ain’t no holla back girrrrrrlllll … and I need to leave him the hell alone.

4. he was abducted by aliens in training to be abductor aliens, and they haven’t figured out how to get him safely back into bed with kitties or something.

I don’t know. I just get nervous when I decide to do something and it doesn’t happen in the five minutes after I decide to do it. I’m being very bipolar about this – but in a week I’m going to start really getting hives.

Also – I’m totally overstimulated, and I really don’t know what I’m doing here. I have a kind of plan, but it’s really hard to stick with it and not get psyched out.

EVENING: petty jealousies, blockages, reflections, a try at a restaurant review, and a bit of a “vagina monolouge”

A CHICK WITH A STICK, AND A GEE-TAR PICK #1 [rated "R"]

Armand Assante, Love, and Donuts [LANGUAGE ADVISORY]

I have an Armand Assante bathroom. I’ve been visiting it a lot this morning, because last night, the beer and cigar fairies came and danced in my forest (no, not in my gutter – so remove your mind from it … even though there is no “you,” because this is my second “blog” and I don’t actually believe anyone is reading this so I can actually go relatively unobserved). Let me tell you, it’s pretty liberating to have Mr. Assante looking down at you (from a large poster on the back of the door) while you do your business; as if to say “you really aren’t living right.” He’s doing it with a kindly attitude, as if he cares about your body, your life, your career. He’s got a cigar in his hand – so he knows how it is. He’s being very zen about the whole thing. He just wishes you’d get some exercise … or go to the doctor more often … but whaddayagonnadoaboutit?

I’m writing in here, but I feel like sometimes I’m only writing in here because I’m trying to keep up with the rest of “blog university.” My husband is looking at other people’s blogs and telling me how much more “me” I could be. I know that’s not what he’s doing, but we both agree that I would be more successful if I had more of a “web presence.”

I was working while shoving donuts in my face. I was actually getting a lot done (besides the fact that it’s rather dubious for a “rock star” – ha, ha – to be shoving donuts in her face) and putting in my stuff from the tiny recorder I have this neat thing that I work with where I put all my “input” … jams, thoughts, sometimes “voice-diaries” down. I might integrate it into the blog if I get brave … I don’t know. I know that on lj you can do voice posts … although I’ve never done one. I’m pretty shy about getting my voice out there.

SATAN’S GUITAR (a very long introduction)

I am a songwriter with a blog. There is a blinking cursor in front of me – like you see in so many television shows when you are supposed to be working but you are not because the stakes are high and you’d rather crawl back into bed and eat a Three Musketeers bar.

I have a live journal, but it is private. I am always thinking of perfection when I write … should I post an official link to the Three Musketeers website? – so that my readers can link up to the history of these musketeers ..? then they can learn the history of both the candy bar, and the musketeers themselves … da, da, da.

Part of the problem, the reason that I don’t get any “work” done – is that I have a confession to make. It is why I have been hiding under my little rock for so long.

I am afraid of the internet. I have a phobia of large, uncontrolled spaces. I am afraid of what a lack of discretion might do to me. I’m afraid of all that time. I’m afraid of what a perfectionist might do in such a space, with all those tools.

Of course, if I actually sit in my own studio for any length of time, it takes me forever to get anything done. I’m actually having a huge problem with that, because I can’t work. I use EQ to apologize for my room, reverb to cover up crap. I’m pretty good at it – but I think in the back of my mind, isn’t there something better than this???

I’m inside a room that is on the major bird highway. And lately, by the time it’s the middle of the night (i.e. better for recording) – I’m in this dead-tired place. And we’ve gotten night birds in on the action now, anyway – like they know that there’s soundproof-free recording going on, because our psychopath raccoons have sent out a bulletin so I can have more Animal Kingdom interference in my life.

I feel as though I complain a lot.

Also, I am defining “work” inappropriately. Just to give myself some credit. I am an extremely prolific songwriter. I feel guilty saying this; as if I am not allowed to compliment myself. This seems to be one of those “things” in the music business that I’m not navigating well. You naturally want people to think you’re a bad-ass, but if I actually walk into a room and tell people “I wrote 37 songs last year and I’m actively in the middle of 54 more; I have learned to play the piano while blindfolded; listen to me play these things really, really fast (not that this matters in my specific field – if I was a concert piano player … I would not be cutting the mustard); da, da, da” … well if I tell people all this I sound like what they call in Australia a “show pony.”

I tell people that I can play many instruments, that if someone wanted a specific part done on a drumset I could do that too – and that I can also play a marimba with four mallets. People talk in the humidor that we hang out in (my husband and I) and I’m always thinking done it, done it, done it … This is of course, when I’m not thinking … [HUGE EDIT DONE LATER 1/21/2010]

My stories are all very weird, and kind of tend to quiet rooms – stop all conversation. “It was all going very well, until all communication was cut off / they died / my toenail was ripped off / etc.”

It’s hard to acquire gigs now based on such dubious connections/occurances.

But I have several of these. I’m high on technique and output … low on the people side of things – which actually includes recording and working with other musicians. The list of places I’ve played is actually pretty hefty – but would probably be met with a “nuh-uh … when did you play there???” Never mind, never mind … I’d say, I’m not allowed to talk about it, because [BIG EDIT SAME DATE]

This also includes the fact that sex and alcohol (which I also enjoy – but in a boring way, being a happily married lightweight … although I’m not judging); these things make these other musicians cooler and smoother than me. So I end up fading into the back of many of these social scenes.

I’m an extremely talented young lady with a severe networking handicap.

Chris Wall, who would probably not recognize me even if we were trapped together in a very small elevator … (and resultingly would not be reading this and would probably not mind being in my silly little blog); once borrowed my guitar from someone else who was also borrowing it. He looked down at it hopelessly and coined it “Satan’s Guitar.”  It is rather … difficult …  But I am not Satan.  Heh, heh, heh …

Have a nice day

FINIS

**********************

TTD: -Go to a nice cafe. WHILE THERE: Get some of that nice Hibiscus Mint tea – which is one of the top 5 reasons to live in South Austin. Revel in the absence of Satan-by-South-Washingmachine. Refine massive “list of things to do” (a work of things in progress)

- BEFORE LEAVING: Do “morning pages” (more on those later). When done, practice for 30 MINUTES [note to moi: NOT SIX HOURS]. While out, stick on earphones and go through songfiles from minirecorder and keep good stuff to work on (so I can finally finish ‘Charlatan.’)

-Come home. Finish Charlatan. this could be after martial arts (more on martial arts and charlatan later). Write about both things in blog.

Let this develop, mellow. See how it goes.

Stop freaking out.